Dear S.R.H.,

I'm afraid I don't know, and it doesn't look like the other Board members do either. Readers, if you know please submit a correction, because I too dream of learning to throw a decent punch. (Though I guess in my case it's less about attracting people to my big arms and swollen hands and more of keeping them away.)

-guppy of doom

Dear #5,

Yes. It's sad, but it's the truth. Six of you. And childrens, it is time you met each other:

1)The BYU freshman. Asks nice, innocent questions about where to find things on campus and leaves us after just a few short weeks, never to remember the Board again. We're useful, we promise! We're obviously wise and in need of no assistance, so share us with a friend before you forget. Hey, where are you—oh, no matter. There will be a new one next year.

2)The obscure/weird Church history/policy/doctrine asker. Wow, you've been here a lot lately. 'Sup.

3) The seasoned Board veteran. You've outlasted generations of writers, you ask interesting, thoughtful questions, understanding there's probably no way you'll get your answers back in four days and four hours. I'm not really sure what we can offer you, but I'm glad you stopped by. While you're here, might I interest you in some finely-aged Archives answers?

4) The relationship advice seeker. You matter of the heart is so secret, so unique, that we and we alone are privy to the dark ministrations of your romantic conscience. Rest assured, we're as ill-prepared to solve your problem as anyone else you know, and we won't hesitate to offer generic advice either. In case you forgot: Just talk to them. Tell them how you feel. What could go wrong? It didn't work out? What? We're so sorry. It's for the best. Just give it time. See you in three weeks.

5) The lurker. You accept the Board as it is each and every day, no questions asked. I do not speak figuratively. You do not ask questions.

4)The Board writer alumnus. Yeah, you probably hate we've done with the place, but feel free to sleep on our literary couch once a year. Because, like, we owe you one. Of what exactly we owe you a singular quantity I know not, but if we have it, you can take it. Personally, I'd suggest asking for a can of beans.  

5)My Name Here. You're prolific, I'll give you that! Money! You should give us this? Yes. Do it. Your financial gifts here. Stick it in a book and we'll dig it up.

6) Randy. Randy and his weird tricks! Doctors hate him. Insurance salespeople hate him. The government hates him. Stop anarchically spreading knowledge, Randy. We all hate you.

Well, that's everyone. Good thing, too, because as you're probably aware, we've but one writer: Matt Meese.

And what with the launch of the brand-new multi-show comedy network, things are getting a little busy these days.

Suerte,

--Ardilla Feroz

Dear Robb,

Thank you for visiting us, and asking us your question. I don't know if any of us has an answer to your question right now, and I'm sorry about that. Perhaps one of our other readers has the insights you're looking for and would be willing to share them with you. In the meantime, we wish you well in your search for greater spiritual understanding, and God bless.

Suerte,

--Ardilla Feroz

P.S. You might enjoy this list which contains a compilation of types of Christ in the Bible.

Dear friend, 

I have McAfee because I succumbed to their fearmongering campaign and decided the peace of mind I would get was worth the annual fee :)

After my free trial ran out I was all Nahhh why would I pay for that? It's probably fake anyway. I don't download anything sketchy so I'll never get a virus. And then the next day my computer did something weird and inexplicable so I freaked out and just paid for the subscription. It works just dandy, but I'm sure there are plenty of other options. 

I know nothing about computers but I hate being anxious about my computer, so I think it's worth it.

Cheers, 

Guesthouse

Dear Fantabulous,

When I got my new PC last Thanksgiving, I knew that I didn't want McAfee because it's so annoying and I had already tried Avast and gotten tired of it as well. So I googled for an article that would tell me what the best free antivirus software is, and I found this article. After reading through their recommendations and reviews, I settled on Bitdefender and I flipping love it. It doesn't bug me with constant unnecessary pop-ups trying to get me to buy a subscription. It doesn't really slow down my computer all that much, and it runs scans by itself on its own schedule, and will only bug you when something needs your attention. I wholeheartedly recommend it. 

-Quixotic Kid

Dear Hormiga Man,

I'm from [redacted] and we get ants in our place all the time. For instance, we have to thoroughly rinse off our dishes before putting them in the dishwasher or ants will swarm our dishwasher. (Maybe "swarm" is too strong a word. Basically, we have a line of ants into our dishwasher. So I feel ya.) I asked my mom what she did to stop the ants, and her suggestions are to use black pepper (it covers up the scent of their ant trail and confuses them), spray chemicals, or use traps. Also, "when you wipe the place clean (and kill what you have and leave traps at where they are coming in) it'll reduce them."

This site also lists some different solutions, such as baby powder, vinegar, cinnamon, bay leaves, and so on. Give these suggestions a shot! 

Don't bring any food outside of the kitchen or dining room until you're certain the ants are gone. This worked really well for my family, so we were able to avoid getting ants in our rooms. 

A final word of warning: ants like to explore. Even if there isn't any food, they'll wander around everywhere. This is why I almost always had a few ants wandering about in my bathroom, though we never had food in there. (Except that ONE TIME when my brother BROKE THE RULES and put an apple core in our bathroom trash and MY PARENTS GOT MAD AT ME FOR GETTING MAD AT HIM but whatever it's cool I'm obviously over it.) So even if you've taken out everything they can eat in that cabinet, they'll still be exploring for the next few days. (Also—fair warning—they may be eating the sticky stuff that keeps the labels to the cans. Ants are crazy. I can testify that they will eat tape.) And then, even after the hordes have left, they'll still send in scouts every now and then. So to keep them out for good you'll want to leave black pepper, baby powder, vinegar, bay leaves, etc. in your cabinet.

Alternatively, you could find or buy a lizard or gecko and release it in your cabinet. They're cute, they'll rid your home of those tiny pests, they'll leave you alone, and did I mention they're cute? And if you ever get cockroaches, you could do what my mom did and bring a sick cane/huntsman spider inside so you can nurse it back to health and then let it go free in the house where it will eat the cockroaches, leave you alone, and you can name it a cute name like "George."

I miss George.

-guppy of doom