Yes. It's sad, but it's the truth. Six of you. And childrens, it is time you met each other:
1)The BYU freshman. Asks nice, innocent questions about where to find things on campus and leaves us after just a few short weeks, never to remember the Board again. We're useful, we promise! We're obviously wise and in need of no assistance, so share us with a friend before you forget. Hey, where are you—oh, no matter. There will be a new one next year.
2)The obscure/weird Church history/policy/doctrine asker. Wow, you've been here a lot lately. 'Sup.
3) The seasoned Board veteran. You've outlasted generations of writers, you ask interesting, thoughtful questions, understanding there's probably no way you'll get your answers back in four days and four hours. I'm not really sure what we can offer you, but I'm glad you stopped by. While you're here, might I interest you in some finely-aged Archives answers?
4) The relationship advice seeker. You matter of the heart is so secret, so unique, that we and we alone are privy to the dark ministrations of your romantic conscience. Rest assured, we're as ill-prepared to solve your problem as anyone else you know, and we won't hesitate to offer generic advice either. In case you forgot: Just talk to them. Tell them how you feel. What could go wrong? It didn't work out? What? We're so sorry. It's for the best. Just give it time. See you in three weeks.
5) The lurker. You accept the Board as it is each and every day, no questions asked. I do not speak figuratively. You do not ask questions.
4)The Board writer alumnus. Yeah, you probably hate we've done with the place, but feel free to sleep on our literary couch once a year. Because, like, we owe you one. Of what exactly we owe you a singular quantity I know not, but if we have it, you can take it. Personally, I'd suggest asking for a can of beans.
5)My Name Here. You're prolific, I'll give you that! Money! You should give us this? Yes. Do it. Your financial gifts here. Stick it in a book and we'll dig it up.
6) Randy. Randy and his weird tricks! Doctors hate him. Insurance salespeople hate him. The government hates him. Stop anarchically spreading knowledge, Randy. We all hate you.
Well, that's everyone. Good thing, too, because as you're probably aware, we've but one writer: Matt Meese.
And what with the launch of the brand-new multi-show comedy network, things are getting a little busy these days.