"God blesses those who take out his sweet spirits." - Just Another Cassio
Question #21076 posted on 11/28/2005 3:01 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

When I started college I became best friends with someone we will call X. X and I were then best friends for four years, and did a lot of things together, and had lots of adventures. She and I visited many different places together, like even different countries, and I slept over at her place in Vegas over the holidays sometimes. We were pretty tight.

During the summer before our last (5th) year of college, she sent me an email that said, basically, that I betrayed her somehow, and that she never wanted to talk to me, see me, or hear from me in any form ever again. I really had no clue what I did to "betray" her, but oh well. My life has improved greatly since then, so I'm not asking any dumb questions about "how could she do this to me" or "what do I do now."

The fact is, we were so close that people always associated the two of us together. When I see people now whom I haven't seen in a few years, they inevitably ask not only how I am doing, but how X is doing as well, and while I know generally what she's up to (grad school), I haven't spoken to her in over two years.

The question: How do I tell these people we no longer are friends without seeming resentful of her action, or having them feel sorry for me? I'm really not all that broken up after such a long period of time, but I don't want to be disrespectful of the time we did share together.

I hope this makes sense.

-Call me confused

A: Dear Confused,

You don't necessarily have to tell them anything about that. You should probably temper your response depending on whom you're talking to. Not everyone needs to know that you and your friend had a falling out, but neither should you lead them to believe that you're still best buddies, as that would probably not make your (former) friend very happy.

I'd say something like "That's a good question. I haven't heard from her in a while" or "Last I heard, she was in grad school" or even just "I don't know. We don't really talk anymore."

If the person is someone who presses to know more and is someone you trust to see things fairly and not villify you *or* your friend and who might need to be apprised of the situation, you could tell them you're not sure what happened, but you offended her somehow and you're not close anymore. If someone presses for more information and isn't someone who needs to know or should know, you can just say something appropriately vague like "I'm not sure. We just haven't talked for a while," accompanied by a shrug.

I'm not sure why you didn't try to work things out with your friend, but I congratulate you on not becoming bitter and on being able to remember the good things you and your friend had instead of just focusing on the loss.

--Ambrosia
A: CMC,

Ambrosia is right. A person who pushes for that kind of information about the past really doesn't need to know. And if you go off in a tirade, it only reflects on you. Sorry about that heartache of losing a good friend--trust me, I know, it's never a "fun" ordeal.

Happy Socializing (you go girl)
-Motionite, who is happy that life works out in the end