No man is defeated without until he has first been defeated within. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Question #41478 posted on 12/14/2007 3:01 a.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

My roommate has a long distance relationship. His girlfriend is in town this next week. What's the most embarrassing thing I can do when she's around?

- Desperately in need of attention.

A: Dear desperate,

Don't shut the door when you go to the bathroom.

Ask her strange personal questions like if she prefers tampons or pads (hope that's not's late).

When you are introduced exclaim, "Oh! You're the girl he keeps talking about in his sleep. You must be a really good kisser!"

- steen
A: Dear Needy,

-Sit on your roommate's lap frequently and make it look like ya'll are very close roommates.

-Hang out with them the entire time. Make sure that they have no privacy. Invite yourself on dates, outings, to lunch with them, or to anywhere else they might be going.

-Be extremely flirty with the girlfriend. Make comments like, "Holy smokes! This is the perfect girl for us!" or you could say, "Isn't our girl amazing!" It doesn't sound as awkward now, but if you make it sound like she is your roommate's as well as your girlfriend then after a while it will get really weird.

-When she shows up, look extremely distraught. Loudly exclaim, "But what about Rebecca!?! Are you are just going to cast her aside like that or are you going to keep her dangling on a string for you?" Then laugh hysterically.

A: Dear,

Greet her with a worrying and matronly enthusiasm.

"I'm so glad you're here! I was so worried. But you're safe? Everything is good? How was your trip? Are you hungry? Can I get you something? You can put your stuff down here. John's told me so much about you. Are you tired? Do you need a nap? I've planned out some things we can do while you're here, but they're only suggestions. We can do whatever you want. I just ran into some old family albums of John's the other day, and there are some of the most adorable pictures in there! Come and see! Are you sure you wouldn't like something to eat? Or to take a rest? Don't worry about us, we don't need a thing. We're just here for you. How are your classes? How is your family? How is your relationship? Are you two pretty serious? Let me give you some advice on marriage. On the job market. On finances. On what to read and what languages to learn. On hobbies to have and which political affiliations to develop. On life in general. Here, I've cross-stitched you a helpful reminder of the 6 "B"s, with those extra three on individual bookmarks. Would you like a jacket? It's cold out. Let me turn on some more lights. I could really fix you something. Soup? Salad? Sandwich? Pizza? Anything? It's really no trouble. At least a glass of juice, then? A piece of fruit?"

Or, of course, you could just be wildly and obviously more right for your roommate's girlfriend than your roommate is. Turn up the charisma, and work on being perfect in every way that matters to her. Then don't actually do anything about it when she shows up. Just make sure it's really obvious, yet be perfectly gentlemanly.

-songs of inexperience
A: Dear Desperately

Wear your pants on your head, build a couch cushion fort and refuse to leave it as long as she's in the room, spit wad her, recite the Declaration of Independence in Klingon, smell her wrists frequently, use eighties slang, fling fish sticks at him and scream, "You know why you deserve the fish sticks!", turn on the music to Cats (the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical, not the recently reformed Board writer) and crawl around the apartment like a cat singing the lyrics at the top of your voice while periodically stopping to lick yourself (note: I've seen this done, quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen), when she arrives audibly whisper to your roommate "Is she the other one you've been talking about?", come running out in spandex and a cape then tell your roommate that he needs to go change because the emergency signal just went off, come out of the bathroom with a towel around your waist and a washcloth in hand and tell him its time for the hard to reach spots, when she comes in look at her creepily and say, "Good. Dinner's here.", bring a goat out and ask her to hold the head tightly so it doesn't squirm during the ritual, ask her if you can braid her hair and paint her toenails, try to sit in between them all night, grow muttonchops, ask her how much she weighs, explain to her how you and your roommate have made a goal to watch the complete works of Rob Schneider in alphabetical order and she's just in time for Deuce Bigalow, pants your roommate, pants yourself, come out a half hour after she gets there and say, "Oh she's still here, you must not have told her yet", tell her that since you and your roommate have been identified by the border crossing your funds have been dwindling but you'd be willing to give her a big cut of the profits if she goes to pick up some packages from Tijuana, keep pointing a magic wand at her and say "Stupefy" then mutter angrily at the wand when she doesn't pass out, offer her gobs of peanut butter and glasses of vinegar, ask her if she's ok that her boyfriend converted to druidism, ask if she can smell cigarette smoke in the apartment and explain that you and your roommate worked really hard to air the place out before she got there, come running into the apartment in a panic turn off the lights and tell everyone to stay away from the windows, answer every question with a more personal question, make screeching sounds every time she speaks, pet your roommate's head.

-Humble Master