"Reversal of fortune? No way. Reversal of skill." -Uffish Thought
Question #43804 posted on 03/22/2008 3:01 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

If I were to make a resume of un-redeemingness on it, how should it read? What sorts of things should I put on it?

- Sweets and Joy

A: Dear Mssrs. Dulce and Alegria,

I think that what you are asking is if you had a list of things that were unredeemable, or that would cause you to either become or consider yourself to be, as you put it, "unredeemable." If that is not what you meant, than instead of reading the rest of this response, take the time to instead pause and reflect on the many ways you could have constructed a more coherent question for the 100 Hour Board to answer.

Resume Items For Unreedemability :

- Be a coupon that has expired. (These are unredeemable.)
- Be a coupon that is taken to a non-participating store or restaurant location. (Same as above.)
- Be a mutual bond or stock trade that you ask your trader to exchange them for their cash value after the market has been closed for the day. (Are you getting the pattern here?)
- Be the 75-100 square mile area immediately surrounding the site of the 1986 Chernobyl reactor accident. (Redeemable, but not for probably a century or so)
- Blaspheme against or otherwise deny the Holy Ghost after receiving a sure knowledge and as thus become a Son of Perdition. (Yeah, you don't want to do this last one . . .)

- Rating Pending (who still is upset that he let his free sandwich coupon expire . . . It would have been an awesome sandwich.)
A: Dear sugar and spice,

Do you mean a resume, such as for a job, that instead of listing your desirable or redeeming qualities lists the opposite? Basically, you want to ensure rejection when applying for a job? Well let's see. How about:
  • Purposefully removed self from educational opportunities at the age of 16
  • Avoid all opportunities to learn
  • No marketable skills
  • No previous experience with work (both in a traditional and scientific definition)
  • Active participant in discrimination against whites, blacks, hispanics, Jews, males, females, homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, transexuals, those with religious affiliations, atheists, agnostics, ethnic minorities and majorities, disabled people, geeks, dweebs, nerds, those who are rich, poor, overweight, diabetic, crippled, anorexic, bulemic, middle-class, SUV-owners, and Lakers fans
  • Nonexistant hygiene practices cause unsavory body odor noticeable at distances of up to 15 feet
  • Divisive team member
  • Consistently undermining authority
  • Excellent gossiper
  • Excellent fondling and groping skills
  • Wide repertoire of insensitive jokes
  • Extremely adept at absconding with company goods
  • Knowledgable in accounting fraud
  • Promiscuous
  • Atrocious grammar and spelling
  • Hypochondriac
  • Ability to defend honor to the death
  • Currently wearing activated suicide bomber vest
  • Ability to incessantly and tunelessly hum or whistle during work hours
  • Natural ability to calm fits of rage in only 1.5 hours
  • Proficient in all forms of armed and unarmed combat
  • Love of killing
  • Ability to fool lie detectors
  • Many knowledgable contacts in the illegal drug industry
  • Ability to ignore hints to end conversations
  • Naturally loud speaking voice
  • Unrealistic expectations of compensation
  • Annoying laugh
-=Optimus Prime=-