Dear 100 Hour Board,
I really like lists. Can you make me some lists? It can be anything. I just really like them.
-(slightly odd) list maker
Things that (slightly odd) list maker likes
writers making some lists
lists of anything
Dear list maker,
I have some lists! They're fairly typical and boring, but hey, you asked for them!
Bar Keeper's Friend
To Do List (from the glamorous life of a SAHM)
hang picture in living room
clean upstairs bathroom
wash bed sheets and pillows
burn picture DVDs and give to friend
print and mail bridal shower invitations
write some thank you notes
plan food for baby blessing
(The Never-Ending) To Read List
The Doors of Stone
A Shadow in Summer
City of Bones
The River of Shadows
The Republic of Thieves
The Rats and the Ruling Sea
The Curse of Chalion
Prince of Thorns
A Monster Calls
Under the Never Sky
Life As We Knew It
The Secret Life of Bees
Snow Flower and the Secret Fan
The House of the Scorpion
Eon: Dragoneye Reborn
Shadows on the Moon
Words of Radiance
Life of Pi
The Book Thief
The Blinding Knife
I was going to write a list of books I have in my "to read list" to get people to tell me if they're worth it, but then I saw Ace's answer and hers looked like much more fun, especially since I've been collecting (and laughing about) things my mom has said for years.
Funny things from my mom:
- "I'm not ready for next Tuesday. I'm still in last Tuesday!"
- She does not know song lyrics: "...knees and toes, knees and toes, that's the....way our body....grows?"
- On a coworker who needed a pacemaker: "And that's good because it means it's just his heart stopping."
- Trying to correct my three-year-old niece's grammar: "Did that make you sad?" [Niece] "No, I was irritated at her!" Mom "You mean with her?" [Niece]: "No, at her." The "her" in question was my sister, who is my niece's mother.
- I used to like to save all the e-mail forwards I get and then send them to her every six months all at the same time. There were always at least 500: "Do you know what all those e-mails coming in sound like over here?" MSJ: "No." Mom: "Do you know what your iPad sounds like every time an email comes? And then I have my computer set with a "ringout" tone each time....." MSJ: "That sounds delightful!" Mom: "Ping, ring, ping, ring, ping, ring, ping, ring, ping, ring, ping, ring, ping, ring......ad infinitum!!!!!"
- "How did you find this place?" MSJ: "My GPS." MamaLynne: "The one that took you to Coleville this weekend?" (I was trying to get back to Salt Lake from Midway and not paying attention. Apparently the GPS likes to keep people going in circles. Glad she remembered.
- "I like this song. It's so on-pitch."
- "I looked him up recently in the Bible Dictionary. Only it might not have been Joshua, it might have been some other Old Testament guy."
- "I pride myself on putting periods at the end of sentences."
- Playing I Spy: "I spy with my little eye a horse." [Sister]: "It's supposed to be a color..." [Brother-in-law]: "Let me guess! A horse?"
- When she's busy at work: "I will give you three minutes...no, I don't have three minutes."
- On word games: "I'm not doing very well; the computer knows more words than I do."
- I told her I was going to elope on one of my trips and it would be a happy surprise: "It wouldn't be a surprise, but it also wouldn't be happy."
- "Let's try that on a day that's not twelve-thirty."
- Comforting me post-bad haircut and pre-date: "Maybe he won't like you because you're a baldy?"
- "Oh My Gosh! I just typed my response in my outline for the talk. Number II. a. was: Will [Azriel] go with you? Yikes!"
- "Oh noes!"
- On Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: "Oh, poor Mr. Darcy. His character is being assassinated!"
- After I hid under her desk and scared her: "One of these days you're going to give me a heart attack and then you'll be sad! Because I'll be dead!"
- When I complained about my sister: "She makes me cry, too, sometimes."
- On someone who'd recently died: "She'd lived most of her life. ...Actually, she'd lived all of her life."
- "That's why when my computer crashed last year and I complained about not having my fonts, they said, "Well, we found a group of several thousand, but we're sure they're not yours.' And I said, 'That's them!!!!!' Or something to that effect, but with better grammar."
- On killing chickens: "The chickens I've known I wouldn't be sentimental about either."
- Reading a mail ad: "'The wrong people are cleaning your house' boy, that's not a lie."
- About my dogs: "They were up all night honking." She was apparently up all night, too.
- When I couldn't sleep: "Try some warm milk with vanilla and sugar." MSJ: "That doesn't work..." Mom: "I know, but it tastes good."
- "We did a total 160 on that talk." Coworker: "You're missing a few degrees..." Mom: "I'm missing more than a few degrees."
- "When are you and your whiny little voice going to be done?"
- "Yikes! I just said to someone, 'I totes forgot it.' Who talks like that?"
- On her mass of fonts: "You never know when you might need one from little Precious Moments figures! Or puzzle pieces!"
- To her boss: "You've been in Brazil for five days even though this morning you said two weeks."
- [Mom's Boss]: "And here's one [Mom]'s never heard before." Mom: "I haven't? It's in your book!" Which she edited.
- [Sister] (on her son's management skills): "It's really easy, he tells you what to do and you do it." Mom: "Oh, look, it's another [Sister]!"
- MSJ (on all the forwards I send her that she never comments on): "Why do I send them to you, then?" Mom: "So I can say :) or :("
And, since I keep lists of funny things writers say to me, usually online, but sometimes in person, I'm going to share those in alphabetical order:
- "How do you say 'I'm done' in chopsticks?"
- "I am about to sculpt. If I don't talk to you, it isn't because I hate you." MSJ: "I may cry." Azriel: "I knew you'd understand."
- "She always has so much to say about everything, whether it is valid or not."
- "Use feeling words."
- "Your quote board makes it sound like [Laser Jock] is trying to be a text-based game. This is not acceptable. I am your only text-based game. All others are not the True Game."
- "And so if I'm talking about myself, I have to specify which self I'm talking about." Board identities are weird...
- Re-writing hymns: "Come, come ye boys?"
- "I also have a nativity set made entirely out of sheep, except for the baby Jesus. He's a human. As he should be."
- "I am so not into people right now."
- "I don't even want to imagine a world without flower children or flower children's' children."
- "I give up on understanding men; you never know what they will turn down."
- "I love being quoted in places other than my own head."
- "I was a black hole once."
- "I was telling him I was being illegal in hopes that he'd not approve and stop talking to me because I didn't want to talk to him anymore."
- On the St. George Airport: "They usually get in the air before they run out of runway....and by usually I mean almost always."
- "And, besides, tuna doesn't count; it is the chicken of the sea."
- "Blessings! Oh, no...curses!"
- Before kidnapping Just Another Cassio: "Do you want to come watch people make out with us?"
- "Funny thing about campy people; I can't actually imagine any of them going camping."
- "Hold on. I am watching people kiss on YouTube and pretending I am one of them. I will brb."
- "I didn't know we were dating, but that was the day I found out we were breaking up!"
- "I find taking away their agency works better."
- "I haven't had marriage proposals this attractive!"
- "I just suddenly got a craving for pizza. I think it's because you said 'I love' and whenever you say that, I always think 'I love pizza!'"
- "I think about 50% of my coworkers are gay, but that's Disney for you."
- "I was just wondering, how do you keep all your [Azriels (because she has a very common real name)] straight? I mean, how do you tell them apart, not how do you keep them all from being lesbian."
- "I will marry a guy if he's divorced or his wife dies, just as long as the divorce isn't his fault....or his wife dying isn't his fault."
- "I'd rather have faux friendship than no friendship!"
- "I've always wondered about only children, how do they learn survival techniques if no one's trying to kill them?"
- "I've thought about telling you a few times when you ask me, but it is easier to just say 'magic'."
- "My grandma was very healthy because she lived on a farm....until she died way young."
- "Not all righteous people play the piano -- some are born audience members."
- "That would be a special thing, to have all my answers marked as excellent (now Editor's Choice)."
- "There's hell; I live in Babylon now, it's a step up."
- "You shouldn't ask a famous person that. I bet it makes them feel less famous."
The Black Sheep:
- "...I was dating this guy, we dated my last year of high school -- and I just reconsidered, I pick Sutton Foster -- we dated through that summer..."
- "I played Laser Jock for the evening, only without the technology talk."
- "I wish I could get away with saying 'bada**' on the board so I could describe Atticus Finch. Oh, 100 Hour Board, sometimes you kill my soul."
- "I'm just saying if you're going to be suicidal, make a statement!"
- "Not only am I liberal, I'm also crazy!"
- "Where was my Come to Jesus moment?"
- "You've taken better pictures. Ones where you have a neck, for instance.....but you're still darn attractive. I shall take the picture of you jumping where you have no neck and the crowds will just FORM. Mass, even."
- "My wife married an investment, not a lottery payout. Her loss."
- "If he doesn't give me editor's choice, I'll calculate the efficiency of me punching him in the nose."
- “I mean, I'm glad she's happy but does she have to express it with hashtags?!”
- "Can you make friends with him for me and forward me all the plane tickets and money? Uh, I guess that sounded a little mercenary. I mean make friends with him because I love people."
- MSJ: “I like to think you just attract emotionally unstable people.” CO'C: “That is very true, because I feel like I am....not. And people are like WOO A BEACON OF STABILITY! LET US CLING TO HER IN AN OCEAN OF UNCERTAINTY!!”
- Not being deterred from her dating story: "Anyway, back to my bedroom..."
- "Are you asking me to hand out my kisses like candy?" The Cold One: "No, I'm telling you to prostitute them for your roommates."
- "Get two people who know kissing is fun, put them on a couch next to each other, alone. You’d be surprised what’d happen."
- "How about your horrible memory? That's an odd quirk."
- "How is it that I was dating someone for basically six months and still missed Valentines Day, Christmas, AND my birthday. The cruelness of life."
- "I actually vote for a helicopter ride to the top of Timpanogos followed by a candlelit dinner on Antelope Island in the middle of the Great Salt Lake."
- "I will just know it inside the cockles of my heart."
- "If you combine the two of them, you get the perfect guy. Or the worst guy. Depending on which halves you combine."
- "If you love it, it's a word."
- "It felt something like a flying, hairless bat. It wanted to make sure I was awake before it tried to kill me."
- We like to play the "I See the Temple I Win" game while driving: "It was full of all kinds of innuendo; I see the temple I win."
- "It's a silent zero."
- "January's font is kind of creepy. I feel like I'm going to sled down the snow hill and meet impending doom at the bottom."
- "Just write them back and say, 'This is [Marguerite]'s automatic belated answering service. She is not currently responding to Facebook messages. If you would like to talk to her, please do not call, either, as she hates phones. Our suggestion is e-mail (which she might respond to), gchat (if she's online and not blocking you) or to talk her in person. The last might be most effective. We also suggest bringing cookies so she doesn't hate you for stalking her.'"
- "Key to studying Chinese? Study."
- "Large mobs of angry people usually get their point across."
- "Math broke to make this!"
- "Maybe you ought to set an alarm on your phone for halfway through the performance to remind you to feel guilt."
- "Might not live! Might not live!"
- "No matter. What I think is what counts."
- "No more Hard Things. Motion passed."
- "No sharing. Check."
- "Our math was more simplistic than that, and we probably rounded."
- "They're Maryland. That means they're not numbers."
- "We ended up kissing and having a fabulous time."
- "What are you saying?!" MSJ: "I don’t know." DL: [raises eyebrow] MSJ: "First scripture I thought of...I'm doctrinally sound in a morose sort of way" DL: "Haha! You just called me an Anti-Christ and yourself doctrinally sound..."
- "Why depress yourself further? Just continue enjoying the hobby you currently think you're not good at so the rest of us can enjoy it!"
- "Y'know, for as much as you laugh at my chats, you never put me in your Things That Made Me Laugh This Week blog."
- "You are now entering NCMO."
- “Can you do a medley of my one song?”
- "From the pictures, I never figured him for a rejoicer."
- "I like being quoted. Especially out of context."
- "I'm seriously perplexed by this e-mail because it's very cryptic, yet I can't shake the feeling it's somehow flirtatious."
Gimgimno (who, for the record, is often hilarious, but I've also stopped saving funny things in recent times and he's only been hilarious recently):
- On that horrible "a hush will fall over the corridors of heaven" story that goes around as gospel: “Or they'll be like, ‘Oh, cool. I was Enoch. Then a hush will fall over you.’”
- On why his niece hates him: "She was lying on the ground one day about two months ago, and I threw myself onto the floor in front of her. She let out the 'I'm dying, Mom, please help me' scream. She's been scared of me ever since, even though I've told her it was just a joke."
- "I am a fawn of proper capitalization."
- "If that doesn't work, we try chocolate."
- "If that's the case, then 50% of all my accidents involve me getting run over."
- "I'll even say I heart it."
- "I'm pretty sure that's the same thing I said last time you read that to me. But I agree with myself. Sometimes I'm right."
- "It's not a parenthetical aside if it's scripted."
- "One of these days the faxes that talk about the Dominican Republic and Hawaii are going to be real and we're going to be sad we've thrown them all away."
- "Scriptures are a good place to learn your vocabulary -- not a good place to build your grammar."
- "They'll find her quick. She's bright blue. She's like a beacon of finding."
- "When I'm sick I find my psychic powers are a little off."
- “Like any good review board I’ve narrowed your scope.” Yellow: “Well played”
- While watching My Turn On Earth: “What does it take to make a family? Jazz hands!”
- "Cry me a river. I'm thinking up debate haikus."
- "I hate kissing. Kissing ruins everything. It takes perfectly good irony and twists it to the point where you think life is worth living. And heaven help me if I ever arrive at that point."
- "I saw you again in my dreams last night/A women of spells and repletion/I knew it the moment my soul took flight/Into azure realms of completion. That poem, of course, could be copy/pasted to any girl. It makes no reference to you specifically. The only reason you know I didn't plagiarize it myself is because of that awful forced rhyme."
- "I shall compose you some kind of poem in a second. I shall facebook stalk you to prepare."
- "It was also fun pointing out to racist American blacks that I'm more African than they are."
- "Making out is basically the source of all bad hair days. You know, in principle...at their root. Bad hair day, eh?"
- "Shall I serenade you? Warning: Most of my serenades involve phlegm movement, but it's part of the harmony."
- "We've met two or three times. By BYU standards, we're pushing eternal dating. And don't waste my time with the objection that we're not, technically speaking, dating."
- "Yes, ignorance creates virtue in us all."
- "Few things are so irksome to me as the notion that a woman may not be chasing my body."
- On his wife: "She was glowing when I gazed upon her, and all other women appeared as black holes of vacuous voids with fangs."
- "I don't know, I never meh. That was probably my first meh. Ever."
- "My answers are always honorable and plump."
- "Statements such as, 'Want to expand my polynomial?' might be a bit strong for the first time, but for the astute student, are eventually achievable. Instead, start with, 'Your eyes have the perfect wavelength of 453.2 nanometers.' Once you get to the point where he says, 'You make me want to be a better physicist,' then you know you've got him."
- "Well, you know, who doesn't go after a PhD when they have free time on their hands?"
Just Another Cassio:
- After seeing Annie: "I need to get myself some dancing orphans."
- "Bed chamber, catwalk, this is going to be a risque second act."
- "Don't pray about the decision; just pray to be able to live with the decision."
- "Favorite Facebook message of the day: [Marguerite St. Just] removed 'boys' from her interests."
- "Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. All IS woe."
- "I always liked your almost inappropriate suggestions."
- "I don't want to sound like an alarmist, because I'm not, but every time I come over here, it's because things are alarmingly wrong."
- After Azriel and I trapped him and took him to Squaw Peak to make fun of all the people making out: "Look at all those happy people not trapped in cars."
- "My language is not representing me well tonight."
- On his busy schedule: "Next week I'm out of town and I'm falling in love that week."
- "She talks too much in normal conversation to ever be trusted."
- "You would be my sock puppet of shame." Sadly, I don't even remember why...
- "Don't you have the metabolism of a thirteen-year-old boy?"
- "I love how quickly the Church does things. Like cash your tithing checks."
- "I may be 100% white, but my blood is all TexMex."
- "If you don't have any straight guys around, who are you being pretty for?"
- "It wasn't so much of a story as....words."
- "You and [Uffish Thought] are no longer allowed to have the first five letters of your name in common. You are now [Qarguerite] (or Qffish? She and I have similar names, in any case)."
- "Amish people put on a good show but they're actually super high-tech."
- "And I'll use tons for exclamation points! Which will give you more strength!!!!!!111!!!"
- "I like to keep conversations short so I can prolong my illusions."
- "I was blushing emotionally, we'll put it that way."
- On horoscopes: "I was intrigued by the part at the end where it said that February 29th was a lucky day for starting any new things, such as conceiving a child. I'm not sure what to do with that particular information. I'm pretty sure any good fortune for being conceived on that day would be offset by the burden of being illegitimate."
- "I was just thinking -- you said I'm an oasis, and followed that up with a comment about drinking songs. I'm not quite sure how to interpret that combination. I still compliment you on your creative use of poetic imagery and some interesting mixed metaphors."
- "If it helps, though, I do have some beautiful pictures of Saturn to share with you. They're kind of like you, except you don't have a ring."
- "It's like a chain of dysfunctional non-relationships! Yes!"
- "Or it means it's like looking for a million needles…in an entire universe of haystacks."
- "She is actually a stalker, in a way that Facebook simply cannot match."
- "Sports analogies--that's probably the last time in a long time you'll hear one out of me."
- "That does sound rather repetitive and meaningless. Which means it's perfect for pop music."
- "That reminds me of this article, which I think pretty much says you are never going to die."
- "There's nothing like ignorance to sooth the mind."
- "You're like an open-book test about quantum mechanics. Sometimes the book still doesn't make it easy."
- "All of my best friends... they're like variations on a theme; like some classical sonata of dysfunction."
- "Also he was a juvenile delinquent, not immoral but just illicit."
- "And THEN I wondered: Does Facebook recognize extramarital gay affairs? How progressive is Facebook anyway?"
- "And you know, I did it even though the whole thing is written in my least favorite tense! I hate present tense and especially present progressive. If it were in present progressive I couldn't have done it."
- "Another lesson: Don't eat grain with hallucinogenic fungus on it."
- "Are you signed up on match.com? My one bff is having a hilarious time with ill-fated dating through that."
- "Did I tell you I am now allergic to my wedding ring? Totally. It's soaking in alcohol at home and my little finger is so naked here at work, but fortunately it has a giant red rash in the shape of a ring all the way around it."
- "Do you really want to be interested in a guy who hates commas?!?!"
- "Every time I think this world has the potential to be slightly normal...some Floridan government workers start showing up to work without their underwear."
- "He seems kind of like this romantic opportunist. There we go. That makes sense."
- "I can support marrying for materialistic reasons. Obviously I didn't do it." (Lexi's Nana also always liked to tell her, "Marry for love, but only love rich men.")
- "I decided if I want to be on a documentary some day, I'd better be freaking good looking."
- "I don't know that I feel super enriched, but it may also not have been a waste of time. Which is to say, I am content with my experience."
- "I just thought he needed to man up and not ask my voice mail machine out on dates."
- "I should find a message board for right-wing extremists. I usually feel so alone. I could use some friends who will stalk communism with me."
- "I think if a feminist side doesn't hate everyone, you're doing it wrong."
- "I think my main goal in having children is to win your approval with them."
- "I will never name my sons those names, so I have to settle by naming other people's appliances instead."
- "I will so make tons of money in the old folks home...high stakes canasta, here I come!"
- "If I get weird when I'm pregnant, just get me some Sour Patch Kids and tell me to shut up until the kid is born."
- "If you can get past the drugs, sex, prostitution, exotic dancing, foul language and flaming homosexuality, it's not bad." I'm pretty sure she was talking about Rent, but can't remember exactly.
- "I'm listening to new age self-help books like The Biology of Empowerment and Unleash the Power Within. [Husband] thinks they're dumb. Oh well. That's why I have a job and he doesn't, I guess."
- "I'm not sure it 100% expresses everything, but I'm trying to do it without explicitly threatening him with death."
- "In the literal sense, not the 'I'd like to drown in my own hot pink chains of emo death store' sense."
- "It is never weird to want to look hot, except maybe at funerals in retrospect"
- "It's always watching you. Like Bill Clinton in a room with beautiful women. Or like...you know, other creepy watcher things."
- "It's like a chick flick, except instead of a happy marriage of heterosexual couples, we have two random heterosexual girls who don't get married but are just good friends on chat and who occasionally see each other in real life."
- "It's like training. You have to break him into paying, so that when you explain to him that his whole life will be spent financing your adventures, he won't have a heart attack."
- "Let's just start our own vitamin supplement pyramid scheme, and then move to the Bahamas. You down? Unfortunately, real estate wealth is no longer viable, so that leaves internet businesses and stocks, really...and PYRAMID SCHEMES!"
- "Like the time I went vegan and lived off Cheetos because everything else had non-vegan items. Wait, not like that time."
- "Like, having an older brother who's severely handicapped sucks, but at least he can't talk and constantly ask you to play weird games. If you can put up with the constant moaning, you can read your newspaper, do your thing, no big."
- "Maybe he's just awkward, but the weird little voice in my head always says, 'It's you! It's you!'"
- "Maybe our scientific findings are that everyone is equally crazy."
- "More culture than our green jello, pioneer-worshipping, ward gatherings?"
- "No way am I having kids with a guy who can't french kiss."
- "No, I cannot reprogram your speakerphone. All I can do is offer words of comfort."
- "Oh because everyone is like, '[Main Character] suddenly fell in looooooooove with this handsome magical knight guy who is secretly me! No one will ever know that this story is an allegory for my tormented and futile dreams of romance!'"
- "Okay, her brain cannot be pregnant. The only person in history who had a brain pregnancy was Zeus and not only is he male, he is fictional."
- "On a scale of 1-10, how allergic would you say you are? Like 1 being cat hair kind of makes your soul frown, and 10 being you will die a brutal death if you think about the possibility of a cat's existence."
- "On the other hand, once you're in love, you feel guilty about flirting with others and your budget for food goes waaaaay down. I could have scored like three dates this weekend if I weren't married, but, alas. So you realize how much free food that is?"
- "Oooh! Peace Gardens! Even though I'm republican, it sounds good."
- "Oooh, a gruff cackle!! I don't get to read about enough of those, gruff cackling, it's like a sport these days."
- "Our broadcast was on liberalism as a control freak mentality. I was edified too, although I didn't sleep."
- "Ronald Reagan was the hottest prez ever. Mostly because of his domestic policy."
- "She could be using this valuable time to be dating lots of guys who could spread out the many costs of caring for her amongst themselves. She could totally stop paying for groceries!"
- "Sometimes I've felt ugly in my life, but I guess I just needed more perspective."
- "Sometimes [brother]'s version of the word 'literally' is literally not very literal. Literally."
- "That reminds me that I need to knit you a terrifying monkey hat." Because I hate monkeys.
- "The route I tried to take was the sharp and caustic secret serial killer approach. It's to-the-point, not overly-emotional and just like 'you're a retard' while still being polite."
- "Their kids won't be able to make the O.o face in good conscience. It'll have to be more like O___o."
- "Typically my goal in life is to be better than myself and/or my arch-nemesis."
- On people who date for a year and still don't know if they want to get married: "What kind of loser would really have to take more than 365 days to know that you are the best thing that has ever happened to him?"
- "Whatever happened to the good old days when we could all trash each other on The Board?"
- On calamari on pizza: "When you can see its little eyes looking at you it's a little distracting on a pizza."
- "Which, I noticed every time I pray for things to happen at the right time, it's always kind of inconvenient."
- "Why is he mocking LM? Does he not know that she is like the ultimate rock star of girlie fiction?"
- "You know what's sad? I fire people all the time [in my head], but I don't usually promote anyone. Probably because I can't think of good titles for anybody."
- "Your closet could be its own iPhone app! 'Dressing [Marguerite]' or something. It could be like a fun game! OMGZ, I would play it." I would play that, too, if anyone wants to design it for me!
- "Every time I get fits of sadness, I delete a blog."
- When I told her she doesn't flirt enough: "I've worked long and hard to get to the day when someone would say that about me."
- "[New York City] has no close proximity to actual nature. Unless you count Central Park, which I am convinced is the reason every New Yorker hasn't committed suicide, but Central Park is still just a park."
- "Also, I didn't know Rebecca Luker was IN Mary Poppins, I thought you just wanted me to randomly find her."
- When I'd have her sign into Facebook for me and respond to all the people because I hated doing that: "Also, not exactly related: I'm about to poke everyone back for you. Including myself. YOU'RE WELCOME."
- When we did one of those "make a child" things based on two pictures: "As attractive as our child is, it's still incredibly creepy."
- "Broadway is for headphones. When you're sharing with the world, it's Bjork. You could do Joanna Newsom too. Both at once."
- "By 'we' I mean 'the institution of the Church, and also me.'"
- "Can I tell her I'm saying it because she's dead to you?"
- "Dating is the one place you're allowed to be judgy."
- Giving me pickup lines (that I never used!): "Dear [Name], You're hot. Kisses? Love, [Marguerite]."
- "[Friend] calls her Bjork's little sister; I happen to like Bjork, so I don't see that as a problem, but of course he means it derisively."
- "Does it make you think I'm sexy when I jaywalk?"
- "Every time I'm linked with a Little Mermaid reference, the world must be spinning on track."
- "Guess what? I can't x out of your chat box. It won't let me! I believe this is symbolic. YOU'RE IN MY LIFE FOREVER."
- "He emos out his gtalk over George Bush."
- "He said, 'Don't you wish you have millions of dollars, so then you could buy that jacket?' But then he said, 'But even if you did have millions of dollars, you probably still wouldn't buy it, because you'd have better things to spend your money on.' and then I felt guilty because I didn't know."
- "Huh. I have a guy living in my shed."
- "I almost said, 'I like to spread my eggs around,' but then realized that would sound quite different from how I meant it. BETWEEN BASKETS. PROVERBIALLY SPEAKING. You don't even care."
- "I always forget that they are the same person and then I think, 'Man, the whole freaking Board is in medical school.'"
- "I am imagining moments in the woods with missionaries and it's making me nervous."
- "I can't! I'm already giving committal kisses elsewhere!"
- "I can't, in good faith, do this without hearing back from you. This countdown is a little bit of a bluff, really."
- "I could pretend to be your sister, your mom's daughter -- I bet that wouldn't work -- YOUR TWIN? Your pet. Your SIAMESE twin. That would be best, I think. [Roommate] and I did that for Halloween once, so I totally am good at it."
- "I don't know how to solve this for you. I used Netflix to feel all stretched out! That is all I know, plus there was a lot of stretching."
- "I don't know if it could be a complete story if you don't have something in the lead about how regardless of all this, the most important thing in my life seems to be boys."
- "I have always wanted my world bedazzled, but not the plastic sparkle kind."
- After changing my Facebook status: "I haven't even logged into Gmail or Facebook much this morning. I just thought, 'Hey, I'll go change her status,' and then your obsessive friends pick up on it. I don't know what your offer is. I thought you could come up with that. I already did the hard part which was advertising it."
- "I just bought two plane tickets and I'm about to buy one more. I feel like you."
- At a Linda Eder concert: "I loved your face during 'Vienna.' You looked like you were in an amusement park, except you don't like amusement parks, so here the metaphor fails."
- "I think it's more a testament to me being very effective at pushing people away."
- "I think that's the raddest non-Church thing I've heard all day!"
- "I told a guy here about our plan to do a trash the dress session where I jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. He said it sounded great. We're good to go." She and I did a different trash the dress session and it's still one of my favorite pictures.
- "I told him he was 5,000 years late when I would have preferred 3,000."
- "I was debating who would win here. Logistically, I don't know how we can argue it. But yours was much more impassioned."
- "I was stressed at work, so I went to the grocery store and bought bacon."
- "I will continue to be cavalier with your status as long as you continue to egg me on, so I think we've got an understanding here."
- "I will take a low-quality phone picture and text it to you."
- "I would have to stay there all of the time and be immune to police bullets. But other than that, I can't think of any long-term problems."
- "I'll find a gay friend to come be my partner. NOT THAT KIND OF PARTNER. My What Not to Wear Compatriot. I can't believe you aren't going for this."
- "I'm moving to a new city. Don't drag down my confidence by telling me I'm wrong about something. I'm right about everything until I'm settled."
- "I'm not sure whether you're referring to the rad room, the awesome blank canvas, or the desperation."
- "I'm using a principle I learned from Xenocide to explain this; it may be incorrect."
- "Is it bad if I am finding my hero-job really boring today?"
- "It would have been fun. Probably I am his soul mate. But oh well."
- "It's a 12 step process partly because I broke it down A LOT and partly because I kinda wanted it to be a 12 step process."
- On Yellow and Dragon Lady's metaphorical love train when they were marrying: "IT'S TOO LATE THE TRAIN IS COMING! This one has little curlicue smoke signals...that make HEARTS. It's disgusting."
- "Man, if I ever get married, the dating community is going to be destitute without my expertise. I'll lose my edge."
- "My life is a little bit of a soap opera sometimes, isn't it? Including that it never gets resolved, and I never settle down, or else my fans will stop watching."
- "Once upon a time...There was a group called Cocaine Addicts Anonymous. They spent all their time trying to help people get unhooked from crack. They were sometimes successful. The end."
- "Please can I make your blog for this? I'm NEVER on your blog any more and it appears it was a bigger part of my self-esteem than I ever wanted to admit."
- "Please say it just like that. You'll be Sensitive Woman of the Year."
- "So I can wear a belly button ring with diamonds that looks like my belly button is puking. I've always wanted one of those."
- "Tell her too bad, your friend, the owner of Canon, could put her to shame and do it for a lot of money."
- "Tell her you save your money in the form of memories."
- "Tell me about this woe. In acronym form. W-O-E."
- "Texting is my love language!"
- "That is a dyslexic NOT okay thing to say at your work, [Marguerite]."
- "The girl was more obsessed than anyone I know with finding cute clothes for her mission, but as I look through her pictures she didn't really succeed."
- "This is a story about ulcers."
- "Um, upon the advent of McDonald's. That made us fat and also feel superior and rich, because we could get double cheeseburgers for $1. Am I right? Elaborate."
- "Way to not be lost in a foreign country without money."
- "We have enough problems as it is without people trying to invent new ways to make life dramatic."
- "Well, some things you can't help once you're involved with them."
- "We're trying to spend time with the family, but sometimes the family will be doing lame things!"
- "We've determined I'm more of a problem finder than a problem solver."
- "When is National Breakup Day? It should be soon. Aw, January 11th."
- "Whoa, completely nymless? How awkward."
- "Why did the chicken cross the road? Oh, you don't even care."
- "You better believe mauve plays a part in your life."
- "You can't be held responsible for anything you're not officially signed up for."
- "You could go to the BYU-Jerusalem Center and tell them you wouldn't have to apply for that, either."
- "You found one that replies! Good job!"
- "You just can't assume celebrities are alive these days."
- “I only met him once in person, though. He was with someone, but I think I probably flirted a little bit just in case they broke up.”
- "I think I'm tapping into a mean-girl vibe I didn't know was so strong in me"
- "[Just Another Cassio] always hires girl writers...and then [Yellow] dates them."
- "Anything dead is Mormon."
- "How does that make me...feel?" I say that to people all the time now.
- "Hymns are so much better when they're depressing."
- "I like saying that...I'm so dreamy."
- "Those who are not dating are the most thankful."
- "Woe unto he whose stomach growleth in that day, saith the Lord."
- “Maybe she went to China because she was over-bonded?”
- “That’s what keeps me awake at night, wondering if my lullaby is doctrinally sound.”
And because C4 is my favorite reader/coworker:
- "And no. I'm not inclined to be of service. Sorry." MSJ: "Aren't you a missionary?" C4: "An online missionary! I only do service online!"
- On relationship questions: "He's never freaking coming back. Stop obsessing about it."
- "He's so fresh off his mission he probably still makes his bed."
- Referring to why she doesn't like my niece: "I can't identify with people who are scared of the wind."
- "I'm trying to be a smart person so I don't have to be nice anymore."
- "It's always sad when people learn different things than me because I'm the center of the universe."
- "Oh yes. I’m very good. (I’ve decided it’s not worth it to be modest about it anymore)"
- "She reminds me of me and I would never kiss on a Preference date."
- “Maybe you're overestimating the pickiness of the desperate.”
- “They didn't say me by name, but [Coworker] very distinctly said, ‘You are all making a difference.’ Which is about the same as saying, ‘[C4] you are special.’”
- "Oh, Marguerite. You are so cute and you take good photos -- no matter what they say! And don't you worry, it's not true about being too short; you're just right."
And because I have an uneven number of lists, my funny sister can make it on, too, to appease my OCD:
- "[Niece] is trying to type you a message: wwwwwwwwwwwwwww2 She is apparently good at taxes already."
- "Does [a photographer] owe you any favors? Would he do it for free? We can include some flirting on your part....ahhh, but then I'd have to teach you how to flirt, huh?"
- "Don't stand on the fireplace!" Nephew: "Why?" Sister: "Because there's no reason to!"
- "Here's my advice: be un-Marguerite-like. I mean, be an abbreviated Marguerite. Like, be yourself, just a shorter version of it."
- "I always wondered how you would spell 'mooshie schmoo!'"
- "I think I'm confiscating the silver spoon.....that was more layered than I meant it to be."
- "I'm actually starting to understand your weird abbreviated Marguerite-Lingo. That worries me just a little."
- "I'm like the palest thing on the planet! ....except for you."
- "I'm not having any more children and I'm not naming them Gretel!"
- "I'm really good with books; just ask the library."
- "[Nephew] said to me when you sent the message, 'Oh no, [Marguerite] is talking. She is saying '[Nephew]! I love you, [Nephew]!' His exact words."
- On Veggietales: "Right now I'm listening to a bunch of vegetables rapping about the Exodus. Never thought I'd see something like that."
- On why I need her to photograph ballerinas: "She has a tendu back. Does that mean anything to you?"
- "What? Why would you take the cheese out? It's not a cheese sandwich with the cheese out!"
- "What's thicker than blood? The spirit!" Because we're adopted!
- "You keep stealing my depth of field!"
- "You stress me out so much, I feel like I'm going to throw up all over."
Surprisingly, I actually deleted a lot of quotes to make the list smaller (hard to imagine, I know). And then I sent it to other writers who, as I expected, just went to their name and read their own funny things. So I'm banking on everyone just reading their favorite writer and not really comprehending how huge this list answer became.
-Marguerite St. Just
We once made a list of alternate names for skirts, and we've had some contributions from friends, too:
- Leg tube
- Topless dress
- Apron 360
- Freedom pants
- Lady kilts
- Waist Curtains
- Tube bottom
- Lap wrap
- Leg burrito
- Gam pipe
- Snake pants
Also a list of perfectly innocent foods with terrifying names:
- Blood orange
- Babyloaf (it's a unit of cheese, apparently)
- Granada moco (a Mexican fruit which translates to "pomegranate mucus")
Waldorf and Sauron
Dear list maker,
Things that have made me smile in the past 5 minutes:
- The rain-turned-sun weather of today. So much great weather all day long.
- The fact that half of the buttons on my shirt have pink thread and the other half have tan.
- Memories of awkward situations.
- Oh gosh so many memories.
- Memories of the Reese's eggs my roommate bought me last night.
- The nice boy who let me share his study table.
- "Come Home" by CHAPPO coming up on shuffle.
- Only one more day until my Chem test is over.
Things I've eaten today, as of 4:04 p.m., MDT:
I don't feeeeeeel goooooood. But I do feel good enough for a tiny bit of chocolate, so don't be alarmed: I won't die or anything.
Writers who have answered this question:
- Margeurite St Just
- Waldorf and Sauron
- Anne, Certainly
- Humble Master
- 100 Typing Monkeys
- Double White Lines
- Il Guacano
- Mighty Quinn
Dear list maker
TV Shows Worth Binge Watching
The West Wing*
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The Cosby Show
*May not be worth binge watching in their entirety
**It's a short binge, but worth it
Favorite things my mom's said:
- "You're walking on thin water."
- "Do you want some lemonade?" (Collective "Yes" from the family) "Then you should have made it!"
- "You don't have to work out; you just have to stop being an idiot."
- "It takes all the fun out of the game if you can't insult the ref."
- "You should try and like more people. I mean, I know I have a low tolerance for idiots, but you should try making friends."
- "Are you wearing black and blue together? If I had known, I wouldn't have let you leave the house."
- "A little trampy never hurt anyone."
- "I don't want you to get a boyfriend, I just want you to make out with somebody! Just a make out! That's all I'm asking for!"
- "I listen to 'Love on Top' every single day. Every day."
- "We're here with all the geeks who aren't at the football game."
- "[Ace], you'd love this movie. This guy's a total old grouch who's always grumpy. You can relate."
- "As Mrs. Robinson, I would choose him." (Going through my sister's high school yearbook)
- "When did you get good at anything?"
- "Kevin Garnett looks like a wet seal."
- "A man, who is NOT BLIND, told me I look like Demi Moore."
- "I think 98.5 percent of what you girls (my sister and me) say is unnecessary and ineffective."
Dear list lover,
Each of the 100 Typing Monkeys' Greatest Fear
#1. The smell of cheese
#2. An attack by the zombified corpse of President Garfield
#3. A paper cut inflicted by a manila folder
#4. Drowning in mayonnaise
#5. Never seeing another Harry Potter story published
#7. His fur looking too fluffy after bathing
#8. Floating into the ether because Earth loses its gravitational field in a very small localized area right around him
#9. That the aurora borealis will gain sentience and hunt him down in his sleep
#10. Off white towels (there's a good reason for this fear)
#11. That he is really Loki from the Avengers, but Odin has punished him by placing his mind into a lab monkeys body and removed his true memories
#12. That he'll one day forget the basic rules of life and run with scissors with terrible, terrible consequences
#13. Clouds shaped like small mammals
#14. That his ancestors were victims of Bolshevik conspiracies
#15. When he is in the presence of photosynthesizing plants they are absorbing a piece of his soul
#16. That there is a fifth dimension everyone else can see that he cannot
#17. Being single for the rest of his life
#18. Paisley ties (the amoebas might come off and attack him)
#19. Having his teeth liquefy and drip down the back of his throat (spontaneous dental hydroplosion)
#20. Never participating in the greatest pun run of history (he got so close in '09)
#21. Sparklers lighting his fur on fire
#23. Losing his figure in his old age
#24. That when he gives his Oscar acceptance speech he'll forget to thank #74
#25. The world will forget him when he's gone
#26. The toilet bowl bursting into flames while he's...you know
#27. Laser-guided vampiric slugs
#28. Screech's robot from the early seasons of Saved by the Bell
#29. That none of the other monkeys like his personality
#30. That his inevitable Pulitzer Prize will go to his head and he'll stop writing from his soul
#31. Death by desanguination
#32. Running out of toilet paper
#33. That he'll read every word ever written and never have another piece of text to gaze upon
#35. Electrical shocks (with reason)
#36. #44's belly button lint collection
#37. Dropping his smart phone in the toilet
#38. Being tickled by freakishly large ants the size of toaster ovens
#40. That his spaghetti noodles are actually hibernating Boa Constrictor Larva waiting for a warm, wet, dark, slightly acidic place to awaken and grow
#41. Internal gases expanding and shredding his organs
#42. Committing to time-consuming things, like making a list of 100 random fears, without any thought beyond "Yeah, that will be funny, I'll bet I can rattle those off in no time"
#43. Dogs that are big enough for small children to ride like horses
#44. That an office chair will start lowering by itself while he's sitting in it and just keep going down straight into Hell
#45. That his fear isn't as valid as everyone else's fear
#46. That his computer will crash and take his 600 page novel manuscript with it
#47. Rats with no tails
#48. That Facebook is stalking him
#49. The really bright pink Post-It Notes (he really freaks out when he sees them)
#50. A pickle-kumquat sandwich
#51. Any main dish that features sea food prominently
#52. That he finally achieves his dream of being on Survivor but gets kicked off before the show begins for baring his fangs at all the other contestants
#53. That secretly Bob Barker doesn't like him
#54. Flying fish (that's just not natural)
#55. The sight of mucus
#56. Light bulbs popping when he turns the light on
#57 That series three of the BBC Sherlock will be disappointing
#58 Really shiny chrome fenders
#59 Fish stick breading that peels of the stick and stays on the bottom of the pan
#60 That he'll appear on Chopped and just keep wandering the pantry and forget to cook anything and then just serve a plate of red onions to Scott Conant
#61 Spontaneous combustion of his nostrils
#62 That all water will begin tasting like peanuts
#63 That his smuggling hold will be discovered because the manatees won't keep quiet
#64 Accidentally eating a green skittle before he's eaten all the red ones
#65 Suddenly becoming left handed
#66 That #42 is implanting computer chips into his food
#67 That his tenor voice will become strained as he grows old
#68 Shadow puppets fashioned from feet instead of hands
#69 Pets dressed in clothing
#70 Dentures that are not in people's mouths
#71 The perversion of language due to the rise of spoken acronyms invented for texting
#72 That the people in photographs are watching him when he sleeps
#73 That a persistent hummingbird will attempt to drink nectar from his ear drums
#74 His freezer and oven will switch functions without telling him
#75 That the other monkeys will turn to cannibalism when the demon hoards disrupt the grocery industry
#76 Certain shades of green viewed at sundown
#77 Armored bipedal non-primate mammals
#78 Small talk with strangers in enclosed public places
#79 Robots that have two eyes
#80 Militant asteroids plotting against the Earth
#81 Faulty logic being covered with confident rhetoric
#82 Dairy products that are kept below freezing temperatures
#83 Styled facial hair
#84 Accidentally punning and not catching on as to why everyone
#85 The cost of living rising faster than the minimum wage scale
#86 Having to explain complex science to kindergartners
#87 Snow sculptures that are not of the traditional three sphere variety
#88 That sound modems used to make when dialing up
#89 Static cling (bigger issue for monkeys than humans)
#90 Clumps of hair in shower drains (bigger issue for monkeys than humans)
#91 Smells originating from rubbish bins or smelly lotions
#92 Performing Taylor Swift songs at the karaoke bar
#93 Nose hair trimmers
#94 Foley guys...really, is there anything creepier than foley guys?
#95 The pointy stick of death that candy canes become when you suck on it too long
#96 Waking up inside of a giant bran muffin
#97 Waking up an hour before his alarm is set to go off and being unable to fall back asleep
#98 Running into Zooey Deschanel and making a fool of himself instead of smoothly delivering the speech he's been preparing for five years
#99 That his cousin will never be released from that airport in Germany
#100 #100 has no fears, he is destined for glory and dominance and general applause
-100 Typing Monkeys
I got your list right here:
- Don't cross me
Double White Lines
Dear list maker,
Instruments which require using one's feet to play them:
- Some carillons
Elements named for women:
- Curium (Marie Curie)
- Meitnerium (Lise Meitner)
Books that became movies and then TV shows:
- Friday Night Lights
Dear (slightly odd) list maker,
Medications carried on my ambulance with some (not all) of their uses in emergencies:
- Acetaminophen (fever, pain) AKA Tylenol®
- Adenosine* (SVT)
- Albuterol (Bronchospasm/Asthma)
- Amiodarone (VF/VT, uncontrolled non-A-fib tachycardia)
- Aspirin (ACS)
- Atropine (symptomatic bradycardia, organophosphate/nerve agent poisoning)
- Calcium Gluconate (severe hypocalcemia, severe hyperkalemia, hydrofluoric acid exposure)
- Cetacaine Spray (numb the throat/nose before I put a tube in it)
- Chlorhexedine Gluconate (skin prep for IV start)
- Dextrose (low blood sugar)
- Diazepam (seizures) AKA Valium®
- Diltiazem (rapid A-fib with a sustainable blood pressure) AKA Cardizem®
- Diphenhydramine (allergic reactions, dystonic reactions) AKA Benedryl®
- Dopamine (non-traumatic severely low blood pressure)
- Enalaprilat* (CHF refractory to nitroglycerine and CPAP)
- Epinephrine (cardiac arrest, anaphylaxis, status asthmaticus, croup - in nebulized form)
- Fentanyl (pain)
- Hydroxocobalamin* (cyanide poisoning - usually due to smoke inhalation)
- Glucagon (low blood sugar)
- Glucose oral gel (low blood sugar)
- Haloperidol (agression related to psychiatric disorder) AKA Haldol
- Ibuprofen (fever, pain) AKA Motrin®
- Lidocaine (VF/VT - in IV form, numb the nose before I put a tube in it - in jelly form)
- Magnesium Sulfate* (refractory VF/polymorphic VT, eclamptic seizures, status asthmaticus, hydrofluoric acid exposure)
- Methylprednisolone (severe asthma, anaphylaxis)
- Midazolam (seizures, drug related agression, excited delirium, procedural sedation) AKA Versed®
- Naloxone (reversal of opioid overdose) AKA Narcan®
- Neosynephrine (reduce chance of bleeding from the nose before I put a tube in it)
- Nitroglycerine (ACS, CHF)
- Odansetron (nausea/vomiting) AKA Zofran®
- Oxygen (hypoxia)
- Sodium Bicarbonate (cardiac arrest with acidosis, hyperkalemia, tricyclic overdose)
- Vecuronium (post-resuscitation paralysis to permit induced hypothermia)
* indicates I have not had a reason or need to give the medication listed
Something I find fascinating is that hydroxocobalamin is actually a form of B vitamin, and it changes the deadly form of cyanide into another B vitamin that can be excreted through the urine.
Have Fun Storming the Castle,
Dear list loverrrr,
Things I've Finished Knitting in 2013
- An orange Elephant plushie for my grandma
- An adorably ugly dinosaur plushie
- A blue cabled scarf for my elderly neighbor
- A green hat with ear flaps
- A green headband
- Orange mittens
- A teeny-tiny dark fuschia baby shrug
- A humonguous red cabled scarf
- Socks (with yarn I dyed myself!)
- A summery shawl or cardigan-type thing
- Anything with colorworking, because I'm scared of colorworking
Things I hope to accomplish tomorrow:
- Wake up (this is probably the most important one, which is why it is at the top of the list)
- Read scriptures
- Give my cat a bath
- Brush my cat with his special brush that cost lots of dough
- Take a shower, get dressed, etc. etc.
- Make my house cleaner
- Go to work
- Date night (which includes eating again)
- Go to bed
Dear List Maker,
- Mighty Quinn
Here is my list of baby names that Husband and I have made. We started this while we were engaged and have been editing it since.
1. Isabella Isabelle
As you can see, with the release of Twilight, we had to make some, uh, adjustments. You can believe me or not, but I had those names picked out before the books were released. Also, we decided we didn't like how Jude sounded with our last name.
Dear list maker,
List of things that my roommate has an unusual obsession with:
- Electrical tape
- Duct tape
- Sheet metal
- Foam insulation
- The fingers of everyone who works there
- Combustible gases
- Popsicle sticks
- Butane lighters (2)
List of lists that I wish to make in the near future:
- Movies that I am looking forward to
- Wreck-It Ralph quotes by Calhoun
- Insults in Wreck-It Ralph that will be abused on elementary school playgrounds for years to come
- Groceries (boring)
- How to survive the hardest set of finals of my life
- TV shows, movies, and video games that will make all of my free time this summer awesome
-The Entropy Ninja
Dear list maker,
I'm obsessive about keeping to-do lists, but I won't bore you with that; since I'm just as obsessive about jotting down random thoughts, let me share some of those lists:
Possible variations to the lyric "bluffin' with my muffin" from Lady Gaga's song "Poker Face":
- fakin' with my bacon
- loosely with my muesli
- breaking hearts with my tart
- doing kegels with my bagel
- atoning for my scones
- feeling awful about my waffle
- wanting to boast about my toast?
Possible course titles for a future college major in Radiohead:
- "Easy Answers to Easy Questions": Intro to Radiohead (RHD 101)
- "How I Made My Millions": Marketing Techniques and Radiohead
- "Beautiful kids in beautiful trouble": Radiohead and social criticism (RHD 430)
- "Useless rockers from England": Radiohead and political activism (prerequisite, or concurrent enrollment: U2 305, Bono and African debt)
- "They'd think that I've finally lost it completely": Madness in the works of Radiohead
- "The words that I just blurted out": Radiohead in interviews
Titles for posts I may or may not ever get around to writing at my other blog:
- Let Us Now Praise Mormon Men
- How Presiding Works in My Marriage
- The Tyranny of Sameness
- Do Women Have to Love God?
- Brother Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier
- The Juvenilization of Mormonism
- The Only Woman in the Room
- The Dance of the Dissident Reader
- Daughters In My Kingdom: What Is It Good For?
- Mormon Marriage Martyrs
- What a TIME to be a WOMAN in AMERICA
- Not All Feminists Have Daddy Issues
- Crucial Conversations about Mormon Feminism
- More On Modesty/Moron Modesty
Dear (slightly ~
- Break back into the top 10 of All Time Stats. (check)
- Go to bed (soon to be check)
Sorry, too tired to think of any more tonight. This is the 66th answer I wrote this week, and it's kind of taken over my life. I'm ready to have my life back. But it's been fun, everyone. I'll see you again next year!
~ Dragon Lady
People I am not: