By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. -George Carlin
Question #79780 posted on 11/11/2014 10:56 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How much money would I have to pledge to PBS to get Lawrence Welk taken off the air permanently?

-Not Vunderful, Vunderful

A:

Dear LeVar Burton,

I once got stuck at a Lawrence Welk museum on a choir trip and nearly died of my brain glazing over. Your quest is important to me, so I have emailed PBS the following:

Dear lovely, intelligent, beautiful people who manage strange questions that come into the PBS Foundation,

You have some fantastic programming, most of which I enjoy. I'll admit, however, that I have no profound love for the Lawrence Welk Show. I understand you rely partly on generous donations to fund your programming. Would it be possible to make a donation so large it would keep dear Lawrence OFF the air? If so, how much do you think that might be?

I'll concede my query is mostly hypothetical as I'm currently as broke as they come. It's always nice, however, to consider how I'll do the most good in the world with the billions of dollars I plan to earn in the lucrative but promising enhanced rodent intelligence market (shh!)

Thanks for taking the time to consider my question. My sanity during the three hours spent next New Years' Eve with my ailing grandmother depend on it.

I will wait a couple of days to see if they respond. 

It's been a couple of... hours now and I am afraid they don't take me seriously. Maybe I need to slide over a couple of Benjamins before the Great Ear hears. 

Many hours have now passed, and still there is no response. I probably emailed a huge fan of the Lawrence Welk show and now my question will never be answered. Was it something I said? I don't understand what went wrong. Alas, vunderful friend. Alas.

Here's an idea, though. When we both make many moneys in enhanced rodent intelligence, we can go in halfsies and buy PBS. Then, and only then, shall our dream become reality.

Vunderfully,

--Ardilla Feroz