Dear 100 Hour Board,
What's the worst pun you know?
-Did ya hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest?
Puns actually fit my sense of humor really well. I'm pretty sure my life destiny is to be a Jungle Cruise skipper. Or to work at the Jungle Cruise-theme restaurant that's opening in Magic Kingdom this week.
But here's the worst/best pun I've ever heard.
Mohandas Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he also suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
Oh my gosh, I love puns so much. Can I just take a minute and tell some of my favorite dumb jokes? I sure hope the answer was yes, because that's what I'm going to do!
What is a sea-monster's favorite snack?
Ships and dip! (This is probably my favorite joke of all time, because sea-monsters.)
What do you call a cow in a tornado?
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
How much does Jack Sparrow pay to get his hearing checked?
What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
Also, my roommate always says that she's low-key [fill in the blank,] so whenever she does I like to pretend that I'm Loki, experiencing whatever emotion she just mentioned.
-Alta, queen of bad jokes
So, there was this Communist couple who were arguing about the weather. The wife was convinced that it was snowing, while the husband was convinced that it was raining. They went back and forth and back and forth until finally the wife asked, "Why are you so insistent that it's raining?"
The husband just smiled and said, "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
This is a great question.
Most of my favorite bad puns are in Spanish, and the editors are not usually big fans of me writing answers in Spanish (And, I mean, I get it, but still.) . As such, I did rise above this foreign tongue and did translate them into the language of my fathers, that my brethren might understand the good word which I* had written.
What did a fish say to the other fish?
..........Nothing! And swim..........
What did the Brazilian jaguar say to the American Jaguar?
What is the difference between a missionary girlfriend and a pear?
..........One is a pear, and the other doesn't wait..........
..........Princess Leia reads..........
Where do cats go when they die?
..........Purrgatory. (Hey this actually works!)..........
..........What is your llama?..........
Why is the ocean blue?
..........Because the fish say, "blub blub blub."..........
What was the last animal God created?
Why did Joseph Smith have wrinkly shirts?
..........Because Moroni took away the irons..........
Which is the most handsome rooster?
Since I was in a bilingual mood, I found some English puns, roughly translated them into Spanish, and then came up with a literal English translation. Here are some of my favorites (The original puns are bolded.):
Is your refrigerator running? Well then you better go catch it!
Is your refrigerator functioning properly? Well then you better go catch it!
I know this might be cheesy, but I feel grate.
I know this is like cheese, but I feel like a grill.
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is ruined.
What did the grape say when stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
What did the grape say when stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little moan.
I'm glad I know sign language; it comes in handy.
I am glad I know sign language; it is quite convenient.
I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.
I don't trust these stairs because they're always plotting.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I am aware of a man.
The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, but then it just let me down.
The first time I used an elevator it was really inspiring, but then it was discouraging to me.
A new type of broom came out; it's sweeping the nation.
A new type of broom came out; it's very popular in this land.
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
The experienced carpenter really knew his craft, but the new guy was incompetent.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and he got a little behind in his work.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and his work was delayed.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his subordinates.
Don't trust people that do acupuncture; the are back-stabbers.
Don't trust people that do acupuncture; they are traitors.
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they shunned him.
Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
Novice pirates make terrible singers because they cannot navigate the dangerous waters.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm free now.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet are odorous and their noses produce excessive mucus.
Finally, I'll leave you with a few I thought of recently, but they're only sort of pun-ish. I hope you like them because I don't want to punish you. (*laughs at self. Congratulates self for being hilarious*)
-I was at a Star Wars event last week, and I realized if I ever had a kitten, I could name it Darth Kittyus.
-Today I saw a sign advertising soda in a Chilean restaurant. The caption read "Por Flavor."
-Surely there are more, but I can't remember any and I need to stop going to Shirley with all my problems.
Thanks for this grand question.
-Auto Surf (who, apparently more than making puns, really enjoys ruining puns)
*Many thanks to Zedability, Alta, and the Internet for contributing puns of their own.
Dear mahandra rise.
What is a demon's favorite spice?
What condiment do Chinese people put on their sandwiches? Mayo.
Buy one Oprah, get Winfrey!
We'll give the baby Jesus gold and frankincense...but wait, there's myrrh!
People accuse me of denying luggage, but that is definitely not the case.
or (Auto Surf sent me this one recently)
A Spanish magician announced he would disappear on the count of three. Drawing up his cape, he said "Uno! Dos!" and then *poof*, he disappeared without a tres.
In general, I love puns, but I think I like making situational puns better. For instance,
My roommate fractured a vertebrae near the beginning of the semester and has (until recently) had to wear a back brace whenever he's not in bed. A couple of weeks ago, a thought occurred to me, and so I walked into his room.
"[Yapper]," I said, "I just realized a great pun opportunity that I haven't been taking advantage of."
Yapper raised his eyebrows.
"Alright, brace yourself for this one..." I started, and then quickly fled the room before suffering the wrath of Yapper.