If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone. –Jack Handey
Question #85650 posted on 03/01/2016 4:50 p.m.

Dear April,

Will you tell us the super awkward story of your first kiss? Board Question #85576

- Nariz-y


Dear Nosey,

A little disclaimer: 

I'm pretty sure my own mother has never heard this story.  When you read this, Mom, remember that I am now an adult and have been married for over a year.  So technically, you can't ground me anymore.

But here it is, in (kind of) iambic pentameter, reminiscent of a Shakespearean play. Enjoy.


'Twas the autumn of two-thousand-and-eight

Two rebellious and ungainly youth,  

Who hath not seen the change of sixteen years,

And our contrary love was forbidden

A girl named April, and the boy *Derek.

Our families, close friends since childhood,

We hath been raised merely as cousins are.

'Till, at the change of fourteen years, our hearts

Did leap out our chests, in forbidden love.

We did attend differing schooling, and,

In one another's absence, did cry out

Through textual transmissions given us.

So one fateful November evening,

We two had a plot to secretly meet

At a theatre performance of one

Twilight, with performances distasteful

(For it was that we were young and naïve

Lacking valor in our preferences).

To avoideth suspicion, we did bring

Along a cousin of ours, named *Mary,

Who did haveth knowledge of our deep love.

The final act of the play upon us,

And our lips not yet touched, we grew n'rvous,

For another chance would not make it known

When we could again press lips against lips.

Our fore-heads bumpeth against each other,

And our eyes stare into one another,

Until finally, courage bloomed forward.

And verily, our lips did get to smacking.

Oh, how could young April know that her beau,

Who was so handsome, athletic, and kind

Could sucketh so bad at kissing. Really.

Derek did REALLY sucketh at kissing.

And so, our young **lovers, who knoweth no better,

Part ways in the night, April, with feelings

Of disappointment in her young, sad heart.


-April Ludgate


*Names changed