I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third. -Michael Scott, The Office
Question #86430 posted on 05/10/2016 6:48 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board Alumni,

Ladies and Gentlemen! You could have been anywhere on the internet this week, but you're here with us on the 100 Hour Board! Are you ready for an ALUMNI WEEK?!?!

The issue on the table: Introducing y'allselves to the readership at large (i.e. a ROLL CALL). Bonus points if you can do it in the form of a Hamilton-style rap.

Alumni, you have the floor.

-F. Rubik

A:

Cher Frère:

How does the bastard, orphan daughter of a Mormon and a

New Yorker, dropped in the middle of a

Forgotten spot in the Wasatch, by providence

Impoverished, in squalor

Grow up to be a heroine and a scholar?

---Portia

A:

Dearest,

Apparently there's a new writer who has reappropriated my 'nym?

To all readers: I'm the OG Hamilton.
To the new Hamilton writer: "My dog speaks more eloquently than thee! But strangely, your mange is the same."

 - Hamilton

A:

Frere,

I punched the bursar.

But I did not punch the deputy.

Word, y'all.

-The Man with a Mustache

A:

Dear Frère,

No, you're not going to make me... RAP
No, you're not going to make me... RAP
Hey yo, I'd rather be reading
Or baking and then eating
And you're not going to make me rap!

--Maven

P.S. – This is the only part of the only song I know from the musical. Will you forgive me if I confess that I don't quite understand the Hamilton obsession?

A:

Dear F. ~

Confession: I've never seen/heard Hamilton. Not necessarily from lack of desire, but from lack of exposure. And from lack of desire to take the time/energy to figure out how to see/listen to it myself without buying something. Sorry, no bonus points for me.

I'm Dragon Lady. I have three kids: Dragon Baby (not so much a baby anymore at almost-7 years old), Niffler Baby (4), and Yellow 2.0 (the only boy and almost 2). I'm married to Yellow, making me the luckiest wife alive, I'm pretty certain. We're having our 8-year anniversary this summer. And considering we weren't married long when I retired from the Board makes me feel old here. So I'm hoping to see many alumni here that are older (at least in Board years) than me. 

I'm also insanely busy, but far less so this week than last, so I'm really glad alumni week is now, not then.

~ Dragon Lady

A:

Dear F,

I'm not even going to attempt to rap because I'm a party pooper. 

But I'm here. Hello. Life is good. Thanks for having me. It's decent to be back. 

-Concorde

A:

Dear F. Rubik, 

In east coast USA born and raised
In the backyard was where I spent most of my days
Runnin’ round, playin’, readin’ a book
Doin’ homework and all that gobbledygook.
When I went to the Y I wrote for the Board
And a Cal grad degree was my end reward.
I met one bearded man and I think he is smokin’
And now I work at a startup and live in Oakland.

-Petra

A:

Dear friend,

All right, stop.
Collaborate and listen.
Stego's back with a new introduction
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Pulls me back to the board writing daily and nightly.
Will it ever stop? Yes, in one week.
Then I can get back to things like sleep
To the extreme, I rock the keys on the keyboard
Though when it's warm, I'd prefer to ride a kneeboard.

Teaching, elementary music
Enriching the brains of every schoolkid
A perfectionist, when I get to the point of it,
Anything less than the best's a disappointment.
Love it, won't leave it, give it all that it takes,
At least for three weeks, and then it's summer break.

Ste-go Lily, dear friend, I'm Ste-go Lily.

Peace.

A:

Dear F,

Uh... France.

-Cognoscente

A:

Mon cher Frère,

Oui oui, mes amis, je m’appelle Katya-ette!
The Patron Saint of the Hundred Hour Board set!
I came from afar just to say “Bonsoir!”
To each fan: “T’es ma joie!” Who’s the best?
C’est moi!

- Katya

A:

Dear Rubik, 

Miss, Miss O'Malley, Miss, Miss O'Malley

All right stop, take a seat and listen
O'Malley is back and reminiscin'
Something, takes a hold of me tightly
Answers comin’ out of me day and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo, fo sho,
They’ll kick me out in a week or so
To the extreme, I Google like a ROBOT
I’ll do anything for those green thumbs you got!

TEACH, it’s something that I do,
6-year-old babies who don’t have a clue
HELPING, can be overwhelming
Especially when they’re all up crying and yelling
Love it maybe leave it, but for now I'll stay
Even though it’s hard, its only on the weekdays

If there is a problem, yo, I’ll fix it
Got a lot of tricks all up in my school kit

-Miss, Miss O’Malley

A:

Dear,

There's nothing ex-writers love more
Than heading online and writing on The Board
They pull up their keyboards and start to talk
At all the students at BYU
Just because it rocks
Take Uffish Thought: a writer most noted
Uh-oh, but you should also know that
Her real job, teaching high school English
Wants her not to ignore her--
Work, Work!
Planning!
Work, Work!
Teaching!
Work, Work!
And grading!
Her real-life duties!
Planning!
Teaching!
Grading!
Work!

-Uffish

A:

Dear F.R.,

I love Hamilton but I'm not familiar enough with it to pull off a rap of that magnitude. I will, however, treat you to my own version of Run-DMC's "It's Tricky," which might be the only rap song I'm capable of singing along to. My new rap song chronicles my struggles as the mother of a toddler who will not nap, a northerner who can't understand the locals in my rural southern town, and my hate/hate relationship with humidity. Listen to the original (or better yet, watch the official music video starring Penn & Teller) to help you appreciate the genius of my rhymes. Here we go!

 

This speech it is my roll call, I’m here to say hello all
To tell (a tale), in great (detail)
It's Tricky is the title, here we go

(stanza omitted)

I have a little girlie, she likes to act real surly
Put her to bed and kissed her head, she told me to leave early
This girl used to be easy, she’d nap just to appease me
But now she cries and though pint-sized, I feel a panic seize me

It’s tricky to make her sleep, to make her sleep, not hear a peep
It's tricky (How is it done?!) It's tricky (Tricky) tricky (Tricky)
It’s tricky to make her sleep, to make her sleep but not to weep
It's tricky....tricky (Tricky) tricky

In Tennessee the people call, I try to understand ‘em
They all say (y’all) but I just (bawl) because their words sound random
Out in the sticks there’s lots of hicks ‘cause my town’s so rural
They say “might could” and “I seen that,” their grammar is just puerile

It’s tricky to understand, to understand the old farmhands
It's tricky (What’d he say?) Tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Tricky)
It's tricky to hear them talk, to hear them talk and not to gawk
It's tricky...tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Tricky) huh!

When I wake up grooming takes up mostly all of my time
I'm not singin', just keep wringin' my hair ‘til dinnertime
It’s so humid, I’m not suited to this crazy hot clime
People starin’ at what I’m wearin’, it was dry at one time

My man D.A.R.E.’ll grow his hair all over his face
It’s abetting all the sweating, like he’s jogging in place
I ain't lyin', I’d be cryin' if he shaved his chin
If he sheared his beard it would be weird to see so much skin.

It's sticky in Tennessee, in Tennessee the sticky’s free
It's sticky (How is it?) Sticky (Sticky) Sticky (Sticky)
It's sticky in Tennessee, but Tennessee’s all right by me
It's sticky, Sticky (Sticky) Sticky

(stanza omitted)

-Genuine Article

A:

Dear Brother Rubik,

This one's a team effort, inspired by Genuine's sublime decision to channel Run-DMC.

D.A.R.E.: How does a ragtag volunteer writer in need of a shower
Somehow defeat a global superpower?
How does he emerge victorious from the quagmire?
Leave the battlefield waving BYU’s flag higher?
Yo. Turns out I have a secret weapon!
An immigrant you know and love who’s unafraid to step in!
He’s constantly confusin’, confoundin’ the Utah freshmen
Ev’ryone give it up for the Board's favorite fighting alien!

COMPANY: What you say?

CATS: It setting the bomb up it can making
CAPTAIN rudder with main screen

COMPANY: What you say?

CATS: It can never please to stop unless it makes them
Know what they doing and scamper a brain, but

COMPANY: What you say?

CATS: Watch it destructing them! Redacting them!
Beracting them! It—

COMPANY: What you say?

CATS: Can set up all of your base

COMPANY: What you say?

CATS: Oh no, it you!

COMPANY: Yes
It's D.A.R.E.
The man behind the mask

D.A.R.E.: We rendezvous and write as one, they'll never think to ask

CATS: It is AD 2101, war is beginning,
If we can to succeed it can just one thing we need
It must...

D.A.R.E.: All your base!

CATS: What, it must have to get down to business
It can know what I doing! It has to—

D.A.R.E.: All your base!

CATS: Set up all of the bomb now,
Or it will not getting the green thumbs or choices—

D.A.R.E.: All your base!

CATS: It wants to be on the writer track?

COMPANY: All your base!

D.A.R.E.: I need my right hand man back!

COMPANY: All your base!

- D.A.R.E./CATS

A:

Dear HOW THE FREAK DID EVERYONE GET TO THIS BEFORE ME?!

I present for your reading pleasure a tableau of Hamilton lyric parodies I will torture into something resembling  decent Board parodies while I try not to HATE ALL OF THE PRECEDING WRITERS FOR BEING SO GOOD AT THIS.

(in the style of "Your Obedient Servant")

I was slow to answer, but I'm totally fine
As I reckon with the above raps that are better than mine
I look back on what we wrote
In in every spot that I checked,
The only common thread
Is we can't rap worth heck.

*record scratch*

(To the tune of "Satisfied")

I remember this site
I just might check this website for the rest of my days
I remember those inside jokes
Falling over ourselves for those thumbs of praise
The tunnel worms and "werf"
And all those other words that seem out of place
But Rating Pending, I'll never forget the first time I got a taste
You were never super lame
Sometimes pretty good answers (though a really stupid name)
But they said to write a rap you know and THIS one's pretty tame
It's just not the same
Did you get the game?
This is pretty lame

(in the style of "Wait For It")

Rating Pending, writing in some answers every day (day, day, day)
Keeping the Board warm, no he just can't stay away (way, way, way)
He's on the other side of the Board now, trying to keep his busy life in line
But he can see on the Board now, it's alumni time ...

The Board doesn't discriminate, in the questions that it takes, it take and it takes and it takes
And we'll answer them answer them anyway.
They're right or wrong, or they're long, sometimes strong, (sometimes songs!)
And if there's a reason that you're on this site
When you really should've called it a night,
I'm willing to write for it.
I'm willing to write for it, write for it, write for it ...

His Board mentor was a fire-breathing Dragon Lady (lady, lady, lady)
She kept him from writing answers unacceptably shady (shady, shady, shady)
He tried to be a genius. He tried hard to garnish respect.
But he retired and left for his real life,
What else did you expect...?

Write for it, write for it, write for it, write for it ...
*I* am the one holding this answer over hours!
I am semi-finished now, I am undiminished now...
I'm not behind quota or running late
I'm not holding that question hostage
I'll answer it, WAIT!
Running the Board is an endless uphill climb
We have other things to do, all of us attending school
Questions, they are relentless, and there's no time
One-hundred hours comes real soon ...

(In the style of "Washington On Your Side")

OH! This editor isn't somebody we chose!
OH! This editor's keeping us all on our toes!
OH! Let's show these editor folks what they're up against!
Or we'll make the mother-werfin' Hundred Hour Board suck again!

Your Obedient Servant,

- R. Pen (who, would very much like to challenge the other writers to record karaoke tracks of themselves singing their songs)

A:
Dear F.,

The Approximate, in No Particular Order, Nonbiographical Ten Board Commandments
(any mistakes are the mistakes of an overtired retired writer who doesn't know how strict the 100 hour cutoff is these days and has like one hour left before 100 hours and -2 hours left before she should have been asleep. idea credit to D.A.R.E., who told me he decided not to parody this song, which gave me the idea to parody this song.)
 
 
One two three four five six seven eight nine
It's the ten Board commandments
It's the ten Board commandments
 
number one
The challenge: you demand satisfaction
Our moneyback guarantee might smooth the transaction
number two
If the phone book can help, we don't want it
We might snark it up with a "lmgtfy's on it!" 
number three
A writer and a tunnel worm meet face to face
We don't have time for this
Negotiating's just a waste
Screaming's commonplace, 'specially with new recruits
Worms try to bite so we always shoot
number four
If the dating is tough, it's all right
The guys, they won't ask, and the girls are reading Twilight
You ask her in advance, you treat him with civility
We tell you just to talk, we've got such predictability
five
Ask us where to live and we will cry
Pick a place and hope that the rent's not high
number six
We won't count the stairs or the seats again
That's just where we've been
This is now and that was, that was then
seven
You request your in
Ready for the moment of adrenaline when you finally sign an answer with a writer nym
number eight
Your last chance to negotiate
CATS and Typing Monkeys, see if you can set your fighting straight
All your base are
Shakespeare, sir
Can we agree that 'werf' is dumb and immature?
Sure.
But we need to anonymize our words, grr
To the death, even if it is absurd, sir
Hang on, how many bombs must someone set us up to ha ha ha ha ha
Okay, now I'm losing it
number nine
Submit your question, edit prior
Wait with all the patience you require
Then count
Ten, 20, 30, 40
50, 60, 70, 80, 90
number
ONE HUNDRED
</RETIRE>
 
-Olympus
A:

Dear F.

As requested, to the tune of "Alexander Hamilton":

How does the awesome third son of a convert and a
Mormon born where everyone
is quite proud to be called a Virginian, by class status
given middle class dollars,
Grow up to become a pop culture scholar?

The comic book reading, tv watching Board writer,
a Board writer who liked to take things lighter
a lover not a fighter,
whose opinions were righter,
Who right now wishes that this here rhyme scheme
were less tighter.

Back in the day readers’ questions were being submitted
And, like some odd teacher with only six thousand minutes,
He wrote answers by which askers would be benefited
And then through the board his results were being transmitted

More than two thousand answers sounds insane
But he talked about the stuff he loved in the main
like characters and stories in a popular culture vein.
Who was this writer who typed out silliness from his brain?

Not 100 Typing Monkeys, a secondary name
you used to fight with CATS - a lame claim to fame.
Skip the obfuscation Loki's a tertiary name, and
we want to know your main name. What's your name,
man?

Humble Master, where you been?
My name is Humble Master, Where've I been?
Away from this Board missing all this fun,
But just you wait.
Just you wait...

-Humble Master

A:

Dear Mon Frère!,

Hello! I am here, and I'm also a giant stick-in-the-mud who doesn't really get all the hype surrounding Hamilton. Goodness, I have missed you people. Glad to be back giving unsolicited bad advice.

(The following may be badly sung to the tune of "Who Am I?" from Les Miserables, because I'm contrary like that.)

Who am I?
Can I condemn The Board to not have me?
Pretend I don't want random strangers to see
My wit, my charm, my cunning grace
The things I'd not say to their face?

Who am I?
Can I conceal myself forevermore?
Not use the 'nym I had before?
And must I wait for one whole year
To make my opinions crystal clear?
Can't you hear?

So glad the Editors aren't canceling,
I cannot stop myself from answering.

It'll take 100 hours, you know—
We made that bargain long ago.
I'm here at last, one week to track
I'd best pay attention to my biofeedback.

Who am I?
Who am I?

-Inverse Insomniac!

A:

Dear Rubik,

In the style of my favorite Hamilton song:

How does a ragtag twitterpated girl in need of a brain
Somehow return to writership again?
How does she emerge victorious now she’s retired?
Leave the real world to wave internet flagettes higher?
Yo. Turns out she has a secret weapon!
The tunnel worms you know and love are unafraid to step in!
They’re constantly confusin’, confoundin’ BYU freshmen
Everyone give it up for the Board’s most evil, slimy henchmen!
TUNNEL WORMS!

Hmm. Somehow what was supposed to be an Ode to Me turned into an Ode to Tunnel Worms. 

Oh, well. Things are going pretty well with me right now! Last semester was rough, but life is looking up.

Quick Update: I've gotten weirdly athletic lately and have been spending a lot of time running, biking, and swimming. I'm writing a book for fun. It's a fantasy book about a 12-year-old girl named Liza. I'm going to be an EFY counselor this summer. I'm taking Spring classes and living at home right now because my apartment flooded FIVE TIMES last semester and I had to move out. But, it's all good because my new ward seems pretty down to earth and I have my own bathroom. And, what else...last night my family had a Mexican Star Wars party because we didn't have time for separate Cinco de Mayo and May the Fourth (be with you) parties. My mom made Flan Solo.

Life is good. Hope all you readers (and writers) are doing well!

Love,

Vienna

A:

[Il Guanaco]
Yo, hey I'm elated to speak
And now we're all excited 'cause it's Reunion Week
I'm joining the throng cuz I know it's one more chance
To match wits, instead of treating folks with no pants*
I'm gonna give a-

[Writers] Shot!

[Il Guanaco]
But hey, our answers always come free
And some say the apple never falls that far from the tree

(and at this point Il Guanaco reveals that he is both physically and culturally white and can't maintain the beat, but will keep on listening to Hamilton because HERCULES MULLIGAN!)

Have fun storming the Yorktown,

-Il Guanaco

*No really, no pants is a common finding with my patients. It tries my patience.

A:

Dear F. Rubik-

Well, my name's Foreman and I'm here to say,
That's the only rhyme I'll be writing today.

-Foreman hasn't really delved into Hamilton yet.