"Childhood obesity is a growing problem" -DU Headline
Question #89162 posted on 03/18/2017 9:12 p.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How has Tom Cruise stayed so young for so long? Is it because of Scientology? A secret facial cream he uses? Good genes? Maybe he's got a picture in his home of an ugly, older self?

-Dorian Gray


Dear Dorian,

First off, I just want you to know that I would read the heck out of The Picture of Tom Cruise. Alternatively, I would watch the heck out of a movie version of the same. Just picture Tom Cruise saying any of the following lines:

I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

Words! Mere words! How terrible they were! How clear, and vivid, and cruel!

This is gold, my friend. Pure gold.

Now, as for your question at hand, I went to IMDb to look for clues, because surely Tom Cruise discovered the secret to his eternal youth while filming one of them. What could it be? Omega blood? Highly suggestive games of shirtless beach volleyball? The truth?

Then, I realized the answer has been staring at us (quite literally) the entire time: LATEX MASKS. In the first movie alone, Cruise uses a latex mask to impersonate someone much older than him; why not use it in reverse?

I hereby posit that Tom Cruise has been wearing latex masks for every public and film appearance since 1996. His real face continues to age and bears the weight of his many lies and deceptions...not unlike a certain painting...

-Frère Rubik