If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone. –Jack Handey
Question #89339 posted on 04/11/2017 1:38 p.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Who wins in college football: an elite smash-mouth team of decades past, or one of today's elite finesse teams? Think Clemson 1981 vs. Clemson 2016.

There should be a tv show for such match-ups.

-Eager for September


Dear Beaver,

As a disclaimer, I know absolutely nothing about football, except that it involves really big guys all smashing each other in an attempt to control a pointy brown ball (well, I also know there's a thing called a touch-down, but that's it). 

Having said that, this is how I envision such a mash-up going: One team is just what someone (who probably isn't me) would expect an elite football team to be. The other team is composed of decomposing bodies (assuming the team is from some time in past further than '81), and decrepit old men. Through a strange turn of events, the football somehow gets lodged in one of the dead player's (well, I'm hoping they're dead) rib cage. The rest of the game becomes an increasingly macabre affair of first trying to get the ball out, then eventually giving up, and using the entire body. 

The winning touchdown is scored by someone on the present team, with the dead guy from the old team. After much debate, the officials award the points to the current team, and they win.