Oh, there he goes off to his room to write that hit song "Alone in my principles."
Question #89637 posted on 05/13/2017 4:09 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I recently starting using the Mutual dating app. Can you please write a fun "About Me" section that will lead to all the ladies thinking I'm interesting, mysterious, and exciting? It is my understanding that honesty is not an essential portion of dating profiles.

Thanks!

- Totally Not Brutus

A:

Dear totally not my favorite, 

Some ideas:

  • I am interesting, mysterious, and exciting. Or at least I'd like you to think so. 
  • I am a thoughtful guy.
    I think about space and the vastness of it.
    I think about cake and how much I love it.
    I think about if Wal Mart is good or evil
    I think tattoos are cool - on other people.
    I am a very thoughtful guy. 
    ....Sometimes I think how old guys like to whittle.
    And how if I start now and just whittle a little.
    my whittling skills will hone before I get old.
    and I'll pwn all my friends at the retirement home.
  • Tkng vwls out of words 'snt always cool. 
  • They pay me to play with fire.
  • I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

    I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

    I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

    But I have not yet gone to college.

Take luck! 

-Auto Surf

P.S. Are we friends on Facebook? We should be friends on Facebook. 

A:

Dear Cassius,

A spectre is haunting Europe – the spectre of communism. All the powers of old Europe have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Pope and Tsar, Metternich and Guizot, French Radicals and German police-spies.

Where is the party in opposition that has not been decried as communistic by its opponents in power? Where is the opposition that has not hurled back the branding reproach of communism, against the more advanced opposition parties, as well as against its reactionary adversaries?

Two things result from this fact:

I. Communism is already acknowledged by all European powers to be itself a power.

II. It is high time that Communists should openly, in the face of the whole world, publish their views, their aims, their tendencies, and meet this nursery tale of the Spectre of Communism with a manifesto of the party itself.

Keep it real,
Sherpa Dave (stranded in Casablanca)