"I'm not a chicken. I'm just really hesitant." -Frasier Crane
Question #90145 posted on 07/29/2017 9:50 p.m.

Dear The Board,

Someone has wronged me and I would like to exact my revenge. What's the best (by which I mean worst) thing I could send them in the mail without accidentally torturing the USPS or getting myself arrested? For example, I'd like to mail them dead fish, but they'd probably start to stink before reaching their intended target and the jig would be up. So what should I mail instead?

-Nellie Bly


Dear NB,

One time I bought a 16 oz bottle of fish oil online and it broke in the mail. It came a week late, with the cardboard box absolutely soaked in stinky fish. Someone had wrapped the whole thing in a double layer of plastic bags and it still reeked. I'm sure it caused plenty of havoc, especially since it was stuck in the mail system a whole extra week.

Anyways, I'm not sure this is the best idea since it probably caused more trouble to the mail system than it did to me. I guess you could always send a Hogwarts rejection letter instead.



Dear Nellie,

Mail them a potato with some sort of passive aggressive message on it.



Dear you,

There's a company that will mail envelopes full of glitter to people. You could do that.

~Dr. Occam


Dear Nell,

Send a specially programmed package to endlessly play "Friday" by Rebecca Black from the moment it's opened.



Dear you,

You could send a really gut wrenching letter that ends with wishing them well with the enclosed $10,000 check without actually putting a check in the envelope. 

-Sunday Night Banter