"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual." -House
Question #90705 posted on 12/05/2017 10:37 p.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Ok, so in the song, "Santa Buddy" by Michael Buble, he tells Santa to "think of all the hotties that I never kissed." Now, I've always assumed that this song isn't meant to be flirtatious, so why would Santa not want Michael to be kissing hotties? Does Santa not like kissing? Does he not like hotties? Please help, I'm hoping to still get presents this year.

-Mr. Morton


Dear Salty,

Haven't you heard? If something is fun or feels good, it's a sin. If you find pleasure in any part of your life, you're gonna be on the naughty list. So kissing in general is out, but it's especially bad if you kiss hotties, because that's (presumably) even more enjoyable.

At least coal is useful, right?

-The Entomophagist


Dear Mr. Morton,

Well, I imagine it has to do with the fact that Michael Buble is married and thus shouldn't be kissing any hotties. Considering how Santa's been married for millennia to Mrs. Claus, he probably respects the sanctity of marriage. Though it is a bit concerning that Michael Buble's referring to the people he hasn't kissed as "hotties," in that case... looks like someone made the "check it twice" list this year.

-Van Goff, who prefers Josh Groban's Christmas album personally but to each their own


Dear sad person,

Anybody who listens intentionally to the song as terrible as Santa Buddy for enjoyment is forever doomed to waste away, alone, thinking about the horror of their actions; anyone who actually wrote such a terrible ditty and unleashed this auditory virus upon humankind shall henceforth be known as the enemy of Christmas.

(source is probably tumblr somewhere but the oldest version I could find is here also why is his right foot so weird)

Mr Burbly, did you think to prove somehow you could improve the second worst song of Christmas (first place being a three-way tie between "Mary Did You Know," "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime" and "Little Drummer Boy") by gender-swapping it and giving such schmoozy appellatives to Santa such as "poppy" and "pally" whilst attempting simultaneously to procure the deed for what is in all likelihood a conflict-mineral platinum mine

You, Miguel Burbujas, thought wrongly.

To any reader whose home has been tragically and traumatically been possessed by this apparition, there has been discovered an ancient incantation to best banish the Bublé: 

Craft we now a magic ward
Keep at bay the beast abhorred
Stop the twist of carousel
Dampen every ring of bell
Strike we down getaway car
Line in sand—you've gone too far.

Bublé, Bubbly, toilsome, trouble-y
Back to cave, keep Christmas lovely. 

Making hearts of women quake,
Slicker than DoTerra shakes,
We know thee, thou slimy frog, 
Wool o'er eyes of man and dog. 
Best for us, lest we forget 
That we hadn't met you yet 
Cease thy silvered, forked tonguing
Still thy music unbecoming.

Bread of ginger, candy cane   
Sprinkle we 'round our domain
Snow angels made in the park
Hot cocoa of chocolate dark.
Liverwurst and chicken soup
Coffee cakes, and wassail too.
Danish butter cookie tin
Empty but for sewing pins
Shortbread pastries all amiss.
Now, Mariah Carey's screech
Add we to our festive things
All we want for Christmas, true
Is absence complete of you.
Seal we now the incantation
Be gone for a generation.

Bublé, Bubbly, toilsome, trouble-y.
Back to cave, keep Christmas lovely. 

Cool it, pally, Signior Baboon Blood, 
Yield now to all sweet and good.

That ought to do it.


--Ardilla Feroz

P.S. Need a better Christmas song to boost your tunes? Have no fear, the Christmas Baby is here (note: not that one, a different one)! This charming retelling of a classic holiday tale—complete with spaceships, dead birds, and a mustache fit to slay an intergalactic menace—has for seven consecutive years been my holiday standby.