"It's not spiders I dislike, just people." -Petra
Question #90870 posted on 01/30/2018 7:26 a.m.
Q:

Dear married members of the 100 Hour Board,

I just got married about 2 months ago. I love my husband so much, and being married is fun. It's just... not as different as I thought, you know? I expected to feel more secure in our relationship, or to feel a sense of permanence, or to feel some kind of major life change. But it still feels like we're just hanging out all the time and doing everything together. Sometimes we both have to remind ourselves that we're married, that we're never going to date other people again, that we shouldn't flirt with that cute guy/girl we see on the bus... etc. It's still pretty new, so I'm sure we'll get used to it. I'm just curious: did any of you go through something like this? How long did it take for the reality of marriage to really settle in? Or are we just the worst married couple ever & we need to get it together? Any insights would be appreciated.

-Newlywed

A:

Dear Newlywed,

Wait, did you flirt with other people on the bus when you were just dating?

But I get what you mean. Being married doesn't fundamentally change who you are, or what your life is like. Both of you are still the same people as you were two months ago, living the same lives you were, but now with an extra layer of commitment. But because so much of your lives remains the same, you don't always notice that extra level of commitment and change. And that's okay, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your marriage or with you. Honestly, I think you just eventually get used to being married and stop comparing it to not being married.

However, it's also totally valid to want a grand sweeping romance at least sometimes, or even just to want an exciting life together that's different from the way your lives were before getting married. Personally, what I think helps with that is just doing stuff together. Obviously with work and school and life, it's sometimes difficult to have time to just be with each other, so make time sometimes! Go on exciting dates, plan a fun vacation for just the two of you, make goals and work on them together, decorate your apartment to make it cute and home-y and yours, do things out of the ordinary together. It's really easy to fall into a groove, so switch it up every once in a while and do something exciting and new. But in the meantime, don't worry too much that every moment isn't the most amazing thing you've ever experienced.

-Alta

A:

Dear Newlywed,

I can totally relate to the feeling that married life is not that different from singledom. I think that the anticipation of marriage turns it into a huge event in our minds (and it totally is). However, since most engaged couples spend as much time together as possible, only a few things really changed. You're both still the same people that you were 2 months ago; nothing about a marriage ceremony is going to change that. The real growth and change in marriage begins once you get married.

Over time, it really just starts to feel normal. I've been married for just over 2 years, and it feels weird to imagine a time when Ms. Mitty wasn't a huge part of my life.

-Mitty