Look out for the future, because you never know what it might bring…
Question #90969 posted on 03/25/2018 10 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How many tri-state areas are there in the United States? Which one would you want to conquer entirely?

-Doofenshmirtz

A:
Dear... you,
 
Why are you so excited about conquering tri-state areas? Well, who am I to question this, I've come up with an absolutely objective scoring system to determine which of these tri-state areas is the best, and thus, most conquerable. There are 13 defined tri-state areas that have a shared metropolitan area, and there are 62 places where three and only three states meet. (28 of those are in water.)
 
These are my categories:
 
Population
Estimated GDP
Area
Food
Culture
Influence, political and otherwise
Does it look nice
 
With bonus categories like
 
Does the area include Illinois? (-5 points)
Does the area have a special name so I don't have to make up a new one when I conquer it? (+10 points)
Is Ike Samuels, the 1895 third baseman for the Saint Louis Browns from this area? (+20 points)
Does this area make a mockery of pizza? (-15 points)
How many Chick-fil-A restaurants does this area have? (+.1 points per restaurant)
Does this area claim to have the world's shortest and steepest funicular railroad? (-5 points)
 
  • The New York metropolitan area (NY, NJ, CT)
Population: 24 million people, 100 points
Estimated GDP: $1.74 trillion, 100 points
Area: 13,318 sq mi, 100 points
Food: Bagels and lox? Pastrami on rye? NY style pizza? Cheesecake? Lobster roll? Eggs Benedict? New York food is perfect, I don't make the rules, 100 points
Culture: Broadway? The Met? Jazz? That's pretty good, 85 points
Influence, political and otherwise: Wall Street? Silicon Alley? Not bad NY, 78 points
Does it look nice: It's pretty nice, good skyline, 53 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +2.5 points
 
TOTAL: 618.5 points
  • The Delaware Valley region (PA, NJ, DE)
Population: 7 million, 29.2 points
Estimated GDP: $434 billion, 25 points
Area: 5,118 sq mi, 38.4 points
Food: Philly cheesesteak? Soft pretzels? Italian ice? That's pretty good folks, 80 points
Culture: Quakers? Mostly food? It's not so bad, 70 points
Influence, political and otherwise: I mean, it's a pretty big city, 50 points
Does it look nice: Heck yeah, 100 points
 
Mockery of Pizza Bonus: -15 points (Have you SEEN Philly pizza)
Special Name Bonus: +10 points
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +8.5 points
 
TOTAL: 396.1 points
  • The Cincinnati (OH, KY, IN)
Population: 2.1 million, 8.8 points
Estimated GDP: $127 billion, 7.3 points
Area: 4,808 sq mi, 36.1 points
Food: Cincinnati chili? Nothing else? 10 points
Culture: Some pretty darn good zoos and museums? 80 points
Influence, political and otherwise: It's not lookin' great for the Cinc, 40 points
Does it look nice: DEFINITELY, 100 points
 
Special Name Bonus: +10 points
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +2.5 points
 
TOTAL: 294.7 points
  • The Pittsburgh tri-state area (PA, OH, WV)
Population: 2.6 million, 10.8 points
Estimated GDP: $139 billion, 8 points
Area: 11,751 sq mi, 88.2 points
Food: Kielbasa? Pierogi? Golabki? Polish food in general? 100 points
Culture: Polish people? The Andy Warhol Museum? Jazz? 100 points
Influence, political and otherwise: Pittsburgh? 20 points
Does it look nice: Sure, 80 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +2 points
 
TOTAL: 409 points
  • The Chicago tri-state area (IL, IN, WI)
Population: 10 million, 41.7 points
Estimated GDP: $670 billion, 38.6 points
Area: 10,874 sq mi, 81.6 points
Food: Italian beef? Deep dish pizza? Chicago style hot dogs? Not bad Chicago, 81 points
Culture: Architecture? Music? Museums? Chicago's got 'em, 84 points
Influence, political and otherwise: Chicago is pretty darn influential, 75 points
Does it look nice: THE BEAN, 100 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +3.5 points
Mockery of Pizza Bonus: -15 points
Includes Illinois: -5 points
Special Name Bonus (Chicagoland): +10 points
 
TOTAL: 495.4
  • The Greater Memphis area (TN, MS, AR)
Population: 1.3 million, 5.4 points
Estimated GDP: $71 billion, 4.1 points
Area: 3,013 sq mi, 22.6 points
Food: BBQ that is all, 100 points
Culture: Memphis Zoo? Blues? Gospel? 95 points
Influence, political and otherwise: Not bad area strategically, 70 points
Does it look nice: Oh yeah, 91 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +2 points
 
TOTAL: 390.1 points
  • The Dubuque tri-state area (IA, IL, WI)
Population: .19 million, .8 points
Estimated GDP: $5.5 billion, .3 points
Area: 3,070 sq mi, 23 points
Food: At least they don't make a mockery of pizza, 30 points
Culture: There are six parks, 8 points
Influence, political and otherwise: honestly zero points
Does it look nice: It's the Midwest baby, 80 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: .1 point
Includes Illinois: -5 points
Funicular Railroad Bonus: -5 points
 
TOTAL: 133.1 points
  • The Chattanooga tri-state area (TN, AL, GA)
Population: .53 million, 2.2 points
Estimated GDP: $25 billion, 1.4 points
Area: 2,137 sq mi, 16 points
Food: Apparently really good coffee? 60 points
Culture: "Chattanooga Choo Choo" by the Glenn Miller Orchestra, 100 points
Influence, political and otherwise: The city has it's own custom typeface, 100 points
Does it look nice: You better believe it, 87 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +2.5 points
 
TOTAL: 369.1 points
  • The D.C. tri-state area (MD, VA, WV)
Population: 6.1 million, 25.4 points
Estimated GDP: $491 billion, 28.3 points
Area: 5,564 sq mi, 41.8 points
Food: Tons of different influences but no signature dishes, 70 points
Culture: Smithsonian? A billion museums? The Washington Monument? It's all there, 100 points
Influence, political and otherwise: D.C.? That's the capital kids, 100 points
Does it look nice: You bet it does, 94 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +13 points
Special Name Bonus (DMV): +10 points
 
TOTAL: 482.7 points
  • The Joplin District (OK, KS, MS)
Population: .2 million, .8 points
Estimated GDP: $7 billion, .4 points
Area: 1,753 sq mi, 13.2 points
Food: ?? 
Culture: ??
Influence, political and otherwise: Control of zinc mining, 10 points
Does it look nice: You talkin' about the Show Me State? 86 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +.2 points
 
TOTAL: 110.6 points
  • The Quincy tri-state area (MO, IA, IL)
Population: .1 million, .4 points
Estimated GDP: $1 billion, .1 points
Area: 2,000 sq mi, 15 points
Food: Midwest food is not that great, I should know, 10 points
Culture: Midwest? Culture? 4 points
Influence, political and otherwise: Not looking good buddy, 5 points
Does it look nice: I mean, the Midwest is beautiful, there's no debating that one, 70 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: -100 points (ZERO CHICK-FIL-A'S)
Includes Illinois: -5 points
Ike Samuels Bonus: +20 points
 
TOTAL: 19.5 points
  • The Evansville tri-state area (IL, IA, KY)
Population: .9 million, 3.8 points
Estimated GDP: $17 billion, 1 point
Area: 2,367 sq mi, 17.8 points
Food: They have the oldest restaurant in Indiana, 60 points
Culture: A good zoo? The Evansville Philharmonic Orchestra? 67 points
Influence, political and otherwise: Southern Indiana isn't exactly the seat of influence in the US, 20 points
Does it look nice: We've spoken about the Midwest, 89 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +.4 points
Includes Illinois: -5 points
 
TOTAL: 254 points
  • The Huntington tri-state area (KY, OH, WV)
Population: .36 million, 1.5 points
Estimated GDP: $14 billion, .8 points
Area: 2,160 sq mi, 16.2 points
Food: I've heard they have some good German food, 68 points
Culture: The Huntington Museum of Radio and Technology?? 96 points
Influence, political and otherwise: 6 points
Does it look nice: The Ohio River, 76 points
 
Chick-fil-A Bonus: +.6 points
Special Name Bonus (Kyova): +10 points
 
TOTAL: 275.1 points
 
So there you have it. The New York metropolitan area is objectively the best tri-state area out there. Go ahead and conquer that one.
 
Keep it real,
Sherpa Dave
 
A:

Dear Doom,

...what's the point of conquering a tri-state area? Seems to me like it just adds on a lot of responsibility that detracts one from having the time to do whatever it is that they really want to.

~Anathema