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Question #91014 posted on 03/04/2018 2:12 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

My feelings are kinda hurt right now. I just found out that a friend of mine from college (admittedly who I haven't seen in a few years) got married. And I never received any kind of announcement (via mail or Facebook). My question is, who SHOULD receive an announcement or invite when it comes time for me to get married? Would you invite an old friend of yours who you haven't spoken to in four years? Or, do people normally only invite those they're close with, at the time (barring old family friends)? My cousin is planning her wedding right now and she's inviting all she can...just for gifts.

-Rejected in Regency

A:

Dear R in R,

It really depends on the couple. Some, like your cousin, invite everyone they know. However, some only invite family members and really close friends. Yesterday my friend and I were talking about her wedding and she advised me to have a small wedding with only family members and close friends. Her wedding, she explained, caused her very little stress and she didn't feel a need to impress anyone. 

While my future wedding is years away, I think I'd just invite family members and very close friends (which I can count on both hands). I have also seriously considered a very, very small wedding with only our immediate families and our best friends. (Which, unfortunately, probably isn't going to happen, but a girl can dream, right?) Perhaps this is what your friend did.

Alternatively, your friend might have been so stressed out from planning the marriage that she forgot to invite more people. Or maybe she didn't have the money to host/feed a larger party. Or maybe she has a crazy new mother-in-law who forbade her from inviting more than 20 of her friends so that their side of the family would fit. There's tons of reasons people do or don't invite people to weddings. While it's hard to find out you weren't invited to her wedding, I'm sure your friend didn't intentionally not invite you. 

-guppy of doom

A:

Dear Rejected,

It depends so much on the couple--their own personalities, their budget, their own personal conception of their dream wedding, etc. I know some people who get engaged and immediately add their entire Facebook friend list to their "Send me your address for an announcement!" page. That's great for them, and I'm glad they've found something that works for them, either because they want everyone to feel loved and included, or because they think that's easiest, or because they want as many gifts as possible, or whatever else. Personally, though, I didn't do that. Everybody I added to the "give us your addresses" page was hand-picked, and admittedly I wasn't super picky about who I added, but I didn't do a blanket invite for a couple reasons. For one thing, I don't love getting added to a bunch of pages for people who I barely know, and I figured plenty of my Facebook friends wouldn't particularly want to be added to mine. Second of all, my budget was pretty limited, and inviting tons of people I don't have a close personal connection with would cost a lot of money--money to print more announcements, money to send more announcements, money to have more food at the reception, and if you invite enough extra people, money to have a bigger venue. I couldn't afford that, and potentially getting a few more gifts would not balance that out. However, I'm also willing to admit that because I handpicked everyone to even potentially send an invitation to, I might have accidentally missed some people who would have wanted an invitation.

I'm sure your friend wasn't intentionally trying to hurt your feelings, and I'm sure she would feel bad if she knew you wanted an invitation and were sad about not getting one. But also, I'm sure she had her reasons for doing things the way she did. Her wedding day is ultimately about her and her husband, and everyone else is secondary to their vows. You can't blame them for making decisions that made them happy on their wedding day.

-Alta