If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone. –Jack Handey
Question #91040 posted on 04/24/2018 12:31 a.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Not that I want to do this, because I love food and love the different tastes, but is there possibly one food out there that is the PERFECT food? What I mean is, is there a food that would keep me healthy and strong even though it's the only food I ever ate?

I awoke this morning wondering and had to ask.

Thank you!

-Linguini Larry


Dear Linguini,

If you are a bear then Aunt Lucy would like you to know that one marmalade sandwich contains all the vitamins and minerals that a bear needs for a full day.

Best regards,


Dear LL Cool J,

The answer is of course the potato. Alta addresses the nutrition aspects of the potato, so I will dedicate my answer to all the other reasons the potato is the perfect food. *Although you should definitely eat foods other than the potato. I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice. Subsist entirely off of potatoes at your own risk

10 totally factual*** reasons why the potato is the perfect food:

  1. You can fry 'em, bake 'em, mash 'em, boil em, cook 'em in a stew, turn 'em into hash browns, use 'em in casseroles, make donuts with 'em, or even turn 'em into vodka (not that you would want to). If you had to eat only one food, you would want to choose something that wouldn't kill you by boredom. The potato is the clear choice for it's amazing culinary diversity.
  2. You can totally subsist off of only potatoes. Matt Damon did it in The Martian. What other proof do you need?
  3. So did Ireland all the way up until about 1845. 
  4. Idaho is currently subsisting off of only potatoes.
  5. The nice thing about potatoes is that they are super easy to grow. You can grow them anywhere! Even Mars!
  6. Even Idaho!
  7. Potatoes are a great form of personal expression a-la-Potato Fiend.
  8. Potatoes are dirt cheap.
  9. They're even cheaper in Idaho. When potato harvesting machines turn, lots of potatoes fall off, and it doesn't make sense economically for the farmers to go back and pick them up, so they let people just come pick them up for free.
  10. If you don't live in Idaho you can still get free Idaho potatoes. If you go visit the Idaho Potato Museum you can pick up your "bag of taters for out of staters." That's right, they have a freaking potato museum!

As you can clearly see, potatoes are the best food. You should definitely eat them all the time. Hope this helps!



(except probably actually don't do that)


Dear Larry,

Supposedly potatoes and butter. Potatoes provide a lot of carbohydrates, fiber, vitamins, and minerals. They're low on protein and fat, but butter helps fill in those gaps. Mixing sweet potatoes and normal potatoes may also work. 

On this note, though, one time one of my professors told me the story of some college kid he knew who I'll refer to as Scurvy Joe. Scurvy Joe had a spreadsheet to figure out what food he would spend the least possible amount of money on, and settled on white rice. He bought and ate nothing but white rice for I don't know how long, saving tons of food money. He would then spend all the extra cash on weed. This plan worked fine, until he got scurvy. White rice is not nutrient-rich.

Don't be like Scurvy Joe. Don't try to survive off of nothing but white rice (and I guess weed).



Dear Linguist,

Self-righteousness mixed with a healthy dose of contempt. Often, this is fueled by eating the nearest disgusting, supposedly healthy food in close proximity. The self satisfaction you'll derive from your erstwhile friends' horrified expressions as you dig into your portion of mountain will keep you strong far longer than leading scientific indicators suggest possible.



Dear Larry,

Alas, in the interest of getting this question out of the inbox, it looks like the editors had to delete Ardilla's placeholder here. Luckily for posterity, though, I got a screenshot of his placeholder and subsequent flagettes, and they are glorious.


I'm slightly concerned for the hummingbird population of Provo, but I guess it's the circle of life and all.