"I don't mind stalkers. As long as they're socially-responsible stalkers." - Yellow
Question #91157 posted on 04/14/2018 10:30 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Has there been a national tunnel worm outbreak? Why won't the government or Pres. Worthen address this crisis? I'm not a freshman, so can I sleep at night?

-Scared of Worms

A:

Dear Scared,

I don't want to scare you anymore than necessary, but you are totally right. There has been a national tunnel worm outbreak. Are you ready for the truth? If not you better buckle in because you're in for a bumpy ride.

The BYU tunnel system, as you may know, is the natural habitat for tunnel worms. But, as populations have been growing the worms have become restless. Due to the lack of pre-mission freshman (which are much tastier and fresh than RM freshman) and the protection provided to campus by the 100 Hour Board the tunnel worms have been running low on food.

In order to compensate for the lack of tasty freshman the worms began to expand. The government contacted BYU to ask what to do about the tunnel worms. BYU told them that there was nothing to do, so the governnment decided to take things into their own hands. The government used Facebook to track the tunnel worms. It was a great success until the recent scandal forced them to lay low. Furthermore, the steel tariffs Donald Trump imposed on China raised the cost of tunnel worm traps. Now the subway systems of America can't afford to protect themselves.

Your only hope is to become a stinky old senior so that the tunnel worms won't be interested in eating you. Really. Also, don't tell anyone you got this info from me. Top secret government agencies don't like snitches. With the cover up going on, they'll try hard to hide the truth. And, this is the truth*. Totally the truth*. The real truth*. Honestly*.

Totally Real Facts