The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Question #91211 posted on 05/28/2018 9 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Anyone else get married while trying to deal with commitment issues? How did you get yourself to follow through with it? (Yes I know it's something I want to do, it really is just extremely difficult for me to make big commitments.)

-help

A:

Dear help,

I don't know if I had "commitment issues," but I was the more hesitant party in our relationship. One thing that helped me was remembering that God has got my back, He's got me and will make my life what it needs to be. I eventually felt like, even if things didn't turn out the perfect way I pictured them, even if my path to who I wanted to become had to wind through heartbreak, I WOULD BE OKAY. Our third anniversary is in two weeks, so far so good!

I also really liked ooching, or making small experimental steps instead of jumping in with both feet. Obviously, the actual marriage bit is pretty all-or-nothing, but we got "officially" engaged at about the pace of a glacier. We talked about it, he proposed. I told him "Yes. No. I don't know. Maybe." (My exact words, poor guy.) Two weeks later, we ordered a ring, we told our parents, but I asked them not to announce it to anybody. When we got the ring, I told my roommates, but it was still another few weeks before we made it "Facebook official." It was like, I don't know, 4-6 weeks? from proposal to public engagement. I have to admit, even though I wouldn't exactly recommend this, one reason I was willing to take that step and get officially engaged is that I knew engagements could be broken; a couple of my friends had recently canceled their weddings, and I knew that we could survive if it happened to us. As when we were dating, I would continue to ask God if it was good to stick with this guy for the next little while. Over time, I didn't feel like I had to pray about it any more. Even though my fiance wasn't perfect, I felt like I knew enough to predict what kind of man he would be in 30 years, and I got the impression that it was exactly the kind of man I would need at that point in my life, even if I wasn't 110% sure he was what I needed right now. After trying out my experiment of engagement, after seeing how my boyfriend/fiance dealt with it all, I finally had all the data I needed to show up at the temple with the confidence to commit.

It also helped to talk to some other people about how they decided to get married, and I read what felt like every Board question about the topic. You might like Board Question #55533Board Question #44454, and Board Question #76399.

-Owlet

A:

Dear commitment-phobe:

Have you heard of attachment theory? Knowing this framework has helped me sort out my own challenges in relationships, and it sounds like you might be on the avoidant side of the spectrum. 

I enjoyed the book Attached on this topic, and it may help you, as well.

---Portia