"My brother is too kind. He was eminent when my eminence was only imminent." -Niles Crane
Question #91227 posted on 05/08/2018 5:06 p.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I asked question Board Question #91177. I really appreciate the answers and the thought and kindness behind them. Fortunately, I don’t have a friend in an abusive marriage. Unfortunately, my husband treats me extremely poorly a lot of the time. I haven’t told anyone. My husband is a lot more likable (fun, interesting, motivated, etc.) than I am. We have two very small children and I don’t want to damage their relationship with their father. But, I feel super isolated and wish I could talk to someone who knows me.

So, if you had a friend or sibling in my situation:
1) how would it affect your relationship with your friend/sibling?
2) how would it affect your relationship with their spouse?
3) would you feel like you had been unreasonably burdened to have this knowledge but not really anything you could do about it?
4) would you secretly, in your heart of hearts, be upset at your friend/sibling for putting themselves in the situation and/or not removing themselves from it?

-My Name Here


Dear you,

1. It wouldn't affect my relationship too much except that I would probably try to be more aware of them and how I could be helpful.

2. I would try to be nice to the spouse because I don't feel like hatred or animosity is helpful in any situation, hopefully that wouldn't be a change from my normal behavior.

3. No, I would want whoever it was to reach out to me. Even if all I could do was listen, I think it would be worth it.

4. No, I would try to be very empathetic. I would hope that they would be able to figure out a solution, but I wouldn't be upset at them.

I hope you can find someone to discuss this with, perhaps a professional therapist or counselor would be beneficial?

-Sunday Night Banter


Dear You,

I am so sorry I missed the mark so completely in my last answer to you! But even more so, I'm sorry you're going through this experience, and I truly hope you're able to find some peace. I would also like to say that I highly doubt your husband is actually more likable than you. "Likability" is such a subjective thing anyways, so for as many people as think he's great, I am absolutely positive that there are other people who think you're just as great, even if it's in totally different ways.

To answer your questions:

1. How would it affect my relationship with my friend/sibling?

If anything it would give me more love and sympathy for them. I would have a lot of respect for them for managing to put up with such a hard situation for so long, and would try to show them as much love and support as possible.

2. How would it affect my relationship with their spouse?

I would be heartbroken that they would treat someone I love that way, but I would try to just follow my friend's lead. For example, if she didn't want anyone else to know what was going on, I wouldn't treat her husband any differently in group settings, because I wouldn't want to out her situation to everyone else there by suddenly going cold toward her husband. My personal opinion of him would probably drop at least a little, and I would seek out his company less, but I would still act cordially toward him when we came in contact.

3.Would I feel unreasonably burdened?

NO. Like SNB, I would want to help in any way I could. Part of our gospel covenants are to bear one another's burdens, and if talking to me would lighten my friend/sibling's burden even a little bit, I would do it in a heartbeat. 

4.Would I secretly be upset at my friend/sibling for not leaving?

Also no. Abusive relationships are very complex, and there are so many factors that go into them, so I'm in no position to judge what someone in that situation chooses to do. Whatever their choice was, I would try to love and support my friend through it all, and do what I could to make her life even just a bit easier.

Friend, I am so sorry you feel so alone, and that you have to face this burden. If there is anything I can do, even just listening, let me know.