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Question #91457 posted on 06/28/2018 noon
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board

How do I stop care about the opinions of some overly judgmental members of the church? I often get angry about these opinions and it's taking a toll on my spiritual and mental health. For example, one individual of my ward claimed that those who didn't have a temple marriage would be punished by God and the only reason why anyone would have a civil marriage first was that the bride and groom had premarital sex. When I heard that, I felt anger and despite flow through me like the dark side of the force. Now, the church encourages temple marriage and it is very important indeed, but no one should be making such harsh accusations like the ones above if a couple decides to marry outside the temple first. This is just one of many strange judgements I have heard. I wonder if the writers have any solution for dealing with this problem I'm facing.

Thanks!

-TIE fighter pilot 1

A:

Dear TIE,

My solution would be to openly tell that person that you disagree. Chances are you aren't the only one who found that particular statement incorrect or offensive, and speaking up in disagreement against such unfair judgments will help to make the Church a more welcoming and tolerant place. Personally, I don't think you should stop caring about those opinions, though I do sincerely hope they stop hurting you. Rather, I think you should counter them with polite disagreement and debate.

I've found that the best solution for me when speaking up in disagreement is to do so dispassionately, as well as I can manage it. I don't come across as particularly eloquent when I'm emotional, but pointing out the logical missteps in a statement like that is something I can do with ease. Try not to sound accusatory, because people are less likely to listen or understand when they feel defensive. But make your point and make yourself heard, because things aren't going to change unless we change them.

Love,

Luciana

A:

Dear you,

I agree that it's appropriate to clarify correct doctrine in some situations. Apart from that, pray for charity. I still get mad at people but at least I can hope that I'll get credit for trying if I want to want to do better.

Love,

~Anne, Certainly

A:

Dear you,

I think you just need to remember that everyone has their own experiences that they are basing their remarks on. Perhaps in their limited experience, everyone they know who has had a civil marriage has had premarital sex. Perhaps they just need to hear of other people that have civil marriages and didn't have premarital sex. I don't think this needs to be confrontational, but I do think it would be helpful.

-Sunday Night Banter

A:

Dear Aziraphale,

Something I do when I get frustrated with life in general is deep breathing. If a dark feeling starts to wash over me, I'll turn my attention inwards and focus on breathing in clean air. 

This method isn't really addressing the heart of the issue, but I find it very effective for calming down in the moment.

~Anathema