Look out for the future, because you never know what it might bring…
Question #91605 posted on 09/25/2018 2:42 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How can I be so, so sure of him, but still sometimes afraid of moving forward? Is that normal?

-me

A:

Dear you,

It's perfectly normal to be afraid even if you're sure of him because moving forward is a scary thing. There's a lot that goes into relationships, especially relationships that are progressing forward. I think that most people worry about relationships, and that most people are at least a little afraid of change. What you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's a valid feeling for you to have so there's no need to feel bad about it.

To lower the stress you can remind yourself about all the good things about your relationship. You can also think about all the awesome things that come with moving forward. You can't avoid stress entirely, but putting it into perspective or distracting yourself can help keep things at an okay level.

Relationships can be scary and stressful sometimes, but the great thing is that you don't have to deal with those feelings alone. The great thing about being in a relationship is that you have someone to help support you. I bet that talking with this person would be good for you and help you work out your fears. Good luck with everything! Hope this helps!

Peace,

Tipperary

A:

Dear you,

Normal. And being sure of him is probably a good sign that the fear is rational, but hopefully not super necessary.

Love,

~Anne, Certainly

A:

Dear you,

I have no idea if what I'm about to write is relevant to you or not, but in case it's helpful to even one of our readers, I'll write it anyways.

This answer is going to be about trust. Something I've thought a lot about, and had conversations with different people is learning how to trust someone else completely in a romantic relationship. After all, even if a person is amazing now doesn't guarantee that they'll make the requisite choices to stay amazing in the future. Everyone is constantly changing, and not always for the better. This means that moving forward involves not only trust in a person today, but also trust in the person they'll be tomorrow. And tomorrow is unknown. 

So, deciding to move forward makes you vulnerable, and you need to learn to be okay with that. There's no way to know how anything will truly turn out, but we can still find the things with a high probability of turning out well. If you feel sure of this guy right now, that's a good indicator that he will continue to be worthy of your trust.

Perhaps all we can do at times is hope, and that has to be enough.

~Anathema

A:

Dear you,

There's a crucial difference between being sure of a person and being sure of a relationship. If you've ever seen How I Met Your Mother, you may recall the scene where Robin tells Ted, "If you have chemistry, you only need one other thing: timing." But as Robin then points out slightly more profanely than I will here, timing is difficult. Chemistry is much easier. You'll find many people in your life with whom you have chemistry, who have qualities that you admire and who you find yourself instinctively attracted to. You may not end up in a relationship with any of those people, but you'll complement each other in beautiful ways that are worth treasuring.

Unfortunately, that doesn't always translate well into surefire and trusting relationships, because the way I define timing is that both of you are on the same page and want the same thing. And that's much more difficult to find, because chemistry does not equate to wanting the same thing. You can get along with someone and admire everything about them, and maybe they too find you endlessly wonderful. But if one person in that equation isn't at a point where they're ready for a committed relationship, all the chemistry in the world can't save it.

If you read the Board consistently, you may recall my ex Yossarian. We broke up in January and it was really difficult on me, but over the past few months we've rebuilt our friendship. I still have some bitterness towards our whole relationship, but for the most part I've moved on and I'm happy we have a solid friendship. But you know what? I'm still 100% sure of our chemistry. I believe wholeheartedly that if we were both on the same page where we wanted to be in a relationship, we would be happy together. But the timing has never been right, therefore it hasn't worked out, and most likely won't ever work out, even though I have no doubts that the chemistry is real and like you, I'm quite sure of him as a person and as a man.

But moving forward means being sure of the relationship, and that requires a great deal more trust. In my view, the most important aspect of trust is communication. Tell him how you feel. Explain that you're sure of him and that you love him (assuming you do, of course). But also communicate your fears, that commitment is a serious thing and that you want to be sure you're both on the same page about what you want. It may be a difficult or emotional conversation, but it's worth having. It may not assuage all your fears, but open and honest communication is the best part about a relationship, and the ability to have such a conversation will show the maturity of the relationship, which to me at least implies good things about its ability to last.

Love,

Luciana

posted on 09/26/2018 9:23 a.m.
I don't know if this counts as a correction, but I thought it might be fun to update the context of the question:
He and I talked a lot about fears and the future, had a small career crisis that helped us realized how committed we are to each other and not just the idea of each other, kept being open with and supporting each other, and now we're engaged! It actually happened pretty soon after asking this question, which is a little embarrassing, but maybe that just shows that relationships aren't perfect. It was still a little bit of a scary step to move forward, but I've only felt more and more sure of everything as we keep going. Yay for love, and thanks for all your support and advice.
- Auto Surf