"It's not spiders I dislike, just people." -Petra
Question #91784 posted on 11/28/2018 8:48 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Who would win in a fight: a taco or a grilled cheese?

-Wondering and Hangry

A:

Dear Aziraphale,

Grilled Cheese strode confidently into the ring. Her center was creamy brie, with rich notes of flavor arising from the roasted walnut oil paired with cranberry pear vinegar that had been drizzled over it. To seal the deal was her crusty, kalamata olive bread exterior. She was prepared to handle anything, and braced herself to fight.

Opposite Grilled Cheese lounged Taco. Exploding with spicy flavor, he was the best tasting taco you'd ever get. He'd lived his entire life on the streets and learned all the tricks of survival and winning there. There was no way he was going to lose this.

The two opponents circled warily, each sizing the other up. Grilled Cheese was the first to strike, going for a hard punch to Taco's side. But he dodged her attack at the last moment, a single bit of lettuce twirling to the ground as he spun around to box Grilled Cheese on the back. Grilled Cheese stumbled back. She hadn't expected Taco's agility. And that was when the fighting began in earnest. The opponents seemed to dance around each other, trading flurries of blows. After a seeming interminable length of time, Taco gripped Grilled Cheese in a stranglehold.

"Yield," he rasped. 

Grilled Cheese knew she should just yield. But something inside her still refused to give up. She screamed as she twisted around to land one final final blow on a fracture in Taco's shell, which immediately exploded. The twist should have ripped her apart, but miraculously, she was still in one piece. It was now her turn to loom over Taco, writhing on the ground as he fruitlessly tried to gather up the remnants of his shell.

"Yield."

~Anathema

A:

Dear Needs a Snickers, 

My brain immediately concluded this question had nothing to do with ranking the foods based on their many qualities, but rather that you were asking which anthropomorphized version of the foods would win in a boxing match, so that's the answer you get. 

If you take the qualities of a taco and make them qualities in a person, you'd have a meaty dude with a hearty and well-framed bod, put together... and he's brittle on the outside, so his weakness is that he cracks easy. While he may have more muscles and be better built, one properly placed blow could end in a KO. 

As Quixotic pointed out to me, grilled cheese may be softer and seem like more of a comfort food, it's glued together with cheese. It's sturdy. So an anthropomorphized grilled cheese may seem like the underdog in our fictional fight, but if he played the cards right and fought strategically, he would last longer. Grilled cheese man can take more hits before he falls apart! This fight isn't about brute strength, it's about who can outlast. Once that cheesy bready son of a gun sent a fast fist right into Taco-man, he'd be done for. 

Grilled Cheese takes the giant overpriced belt AND the TV fame! Grilled cheese is the gatekeeper of his own destiny and will have his glory day in the hot sun

ooxxooXoXXx, 

Guesthouse

posted on 11/29/2018 4:40 p.m.
I cant' believe both of you gave your tacos hard shells, and one of you even put lettuce on it.

Why did I ever leave the Board?

-The Entomophagist