Dear 100 Hour Board Gods
Recently i was chasing the ducks at the pond and i fell, landing on one of them there turtles with my elbow, at which point said duck i was chasing decided to flip the switch and attacked me, on same said elbow. while the turtle has been quite fine, and the duck if anything is doing better, my elbow has grown quite rapidly a large protuberance of epic proportions, it is roughly the size of a hotel sized toothpaste container but in the peculiar, if not divinely sent shape of an Apaloosa. Not just a horse. An apaloosa. Firstly, if this is a divine message whatever could the universal powers be trying to communicate to me? and secondly how do i get it to go away, must i complete a spiritual quest of some sort? icing it hasn't worked and i don't buy in to going to the governmentally controlled doctors who want my fluids. rapid response would be appreciated as, to be honest, this apaloosa hurts like a heifer. thank you gods of the 100 hour board.
Dear Soviet Unibrow,
I think the Apaloosa is a sign that you should quit horsing around and go to the doctor. I'm not a doctor, and neither are google searches, but these sites I found (A and B) both said that if you are bitten by a wild animal and the swelling doesn't go down you should seek medical help. I don't care how you feel about the government, antibiotics are one of the greatest inventions of mankind and infection is not a good thing for your body.
A mixture of lavender and lemon essential oils is likely to be most effective. Keep in mind, you must pray over them at midnight on the night of a full moon, and must be surrounded by 5 pine tree-scented candles. The following day, apply the oils to the elbow, drink a glass of Martinelli's, take an ibuprofen, and take a 19 1/2 minute nap (exactly) within a 100-yard radius of the cougar statue in front of the stadium. If you follow this sequence of events precisely, the shape and size of the joint should repair itself.
Also, don't forget you owe me treats.