"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" Will Rogers
Question #92320 posted on 06/08/2019 12:30 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Are you, have you been, or did you get married?( Long-term relationships, also) If so, do you feel like it made you a more fulfilled or happy person, even for a while? What about a different person?

I know some of you are separated or divorced, so I'm not fishing for just one kind of answer, or some idea of resolution. But I am interested in your experience.

-Avocado Monsoon-

A:

Dear Rory,

I feel more like myself with Spectre. I have someone that I can actually completely be myself around, and it's so relieving. I don't have to put on any sort of show, and when I'm feeling bad, I can genuinely feel bad without needing to act any differently.

Honestly, the biggest benefit to being married is that it's kept me alive. I've been dealing with MDD since shortly before we got married. It's crossed my mind that had I not met, dated, and gotten married, I would not have survived the summer. It's a morbid, but comforting thought, in that I do believe I have Heavenly Parents who helped keep me alive and brought us together. Depression really takes a lot out of me, and having him around gives me more reason to live. Plus, it means that he can provide for us, and I can worry about taking care of my health rather than how many sick days I've taken.

-Tally M.

A:

Dear Guacamole Tsunami,

Getting married did not make me a happier person. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, Frere Rubik. I love spending time with him. He makes me laugh, cheers me up, treats me with great kindness, and is my best friend. He has brought me a lot of happiness and I sincerely believe him to be the best person I've ever met.

However, our first year of marriage has happened to coincide with a godforsaken amount of Lemony Snicket style unfortunate events, several of which I did not handle with much grace. Due to these unforeseen and super-lame external events, I think I was actually happier while Rubik and I were just dating.

All that aside, I am off the walls grateful to be married to him every day so here are some of the biggest positive differences I’ve noticed in myself after getting married:

  • I have constant opportunities to express my love to someone I really care about. I think that having those opportunities has helped me to become more affectionate and sentimental. Also, receiving that same love back feels really nice.
  • I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I can be as silly as I want, as crazy as I want, as quiet as I want, etc. without feeling self-conscious.  
  • Before Rubik, there were a lot of things about my life that I just never talked about. Now that I have Rubik, I have become an open book (with him at least). We’ve been able to talk through a lot of the less-than-fun stuff from my life, and I have always left those conversations understanding myself a bit better.
  • I think I’ve become more responsible since getting married. In part this is because I feel more inclined to plan for the future when there’s someone else involved, in part it’s because I got married right after college graduation and the latter has forced me to realize that my decisions have real-world consequences and therefore I should make them carefully.
  • Finally, I very seldom feel lonely now. This is probably what I am most grateful for.

The main con of marriage is that I now experience random pangs of extreme fear for the well-being and safety of another human and sometimes those pangs turn me into a crazy person who calls Rubik in the middle of the day just to make sure he didn’t die during his lunch break.

TLDR: Having a happy marriage IS great, but life can still throw crappy stuff at you so watch out, work together, and watch Paddington 2 at least once a year.

Love,

Vienna

A:

Dear Perdita,

I have been married three times to the same person. I love being married (and, apparently, getting married). I don’t think it’s marriage, though, that makes me feel happy. Rather it’s that I have someone I feel comfortable being 100% me around and a true helpmeet. I am definitely a different person due to having lived with my husband; we have both had to make some adjustments and have had to adapt. Also, living with someone that was brought up with an entirely different world perspective and culture from that of your own kind of changes your way of thinking about a lot of things. We have differences of opinion all the time, and that’s ok as long as we can continue to respect those differences and be willing to communicate openly with one another. 

-Az

A:

Dear yosef,

I got married this January so I'm probably still in the honeymoon phase, but I do feel like it's already had a profound impact in my life. I'm not sure if I would say it made me more fulfilled or happy, even though I often feel that way. I think marriage itself doesn't necessarily do that, at least in my experience, because there are times I've felt hopeless and anxious and all the opposites of happy and fulfilled. And, like Vienna says above, life doesn't stop being difficult just because you're married. But I think it generally has brought me a greater sense of purpose, and doing things that serve that purpose help me feel more fulfilled and happy. It also softens the blow when things go wrong, because at least I'm not truly alone or purposeless or lost. 

I guess I'm a little confused at this question though, so I'm not sure exactly what answer to give. I think marriage can really be anything depending on who you're with and why you're with them. It seems to me that marriage really just amplifies an existing relationship, and that goes for both positive and negative attributes. 

Take care,

-Auto Surf 

A:

Hello Kitty,

Ahahahahahahaha no. The oceans will boil before I get married (so I guess I might be getting married pretty soon).

-M.O.D.A.Q.

A:

Dear Delicious,

I’ve been married for nearly a decade and it has absolutely made me happy to know that the person I love most wants to go in the same direction with me. It has been fulfilling to add children and professional triumphs along the way but I can say that happiness and peace of mind are very similar feelings. I have such satisfying peace of mind to know that our commitment to each other and the gospel is rock solid because there have been real trials along the way. For me, I always hoped being married would help me build and sustain the best of me and grow out of the worst. I think it’s working!

 

-Mawwiage

A:

Dear person,

Nope. But I like my life the way it is! And when I think about some of the guys I've dated/gone on dates with/had weird relationships with, I think it's probably a good thing I am still single. I've changed a lot in the past 5 years or so and have much higher expectations for men now. I don't think past me would have made a good choice.

-Sheebs

A:

Dear Guac Storm, 

I'm not married, but Pebble and I are going on 2 years now and are planning on getting married, so I figured I'd chime in. 

I like that you asked if we felt that being married/in a serious relationship made us a different person. That's easy to answer - yes. I am certain that I would not be the same person if I wasn't in a relationship. I have been supplied with a different set of opportunities and lessons than I would otherwise have had. I do find my relationship incredibly fulfilling. Instead of experiencing joy for my own life, I get to feel it for another person... and for both of us together. It's something else. My Gramps often quotes, "A love lost is better than having never loved at all." It's good advice, whether in or out of a relationship. It just reminds me to be grateful for my chance to share this part of my life with another person. You learn a lot in a serious relationship, about yourself, and about being interdependent. It's cool and sometimes overwhelming... you experience higher highs and lower lows because everything involves another person. But yes, I would say it does make me happy the majority of the time. It helps when we move on through rough patches fast because we both don't like being mad at each other. 

Cheers, 

Guesthouse

A:

Dear Avogrado's Monsoon,

It's so hard for me to say if I am "more" fulfilled or happy. I am 500%* more happy and fulfilled today than I was at age 18 (when I met my future husband), and 1000%* more happy and fulfilled today than I was at age 20 (when I got married). But I didn't really have much chance to "find myself" or anything as a young adult without being in a relationship. I'm definitely different and happier than I was prior to 20 years old; it would be surprising and bizarre if I wasn't. But it's very difficult for me to separate who I am because that's who I am from who I am because of my long-term relationship

No conclusions here, just interesting to think about!

-Mico

*Just, like, a really big number!

A:

Dear Avocado ~

I am approaching 11 years of marriage. I am definitely happier and more fulfilled. I no longer carry loneliness around like a little lost puppy. I have someone deeply invested in my well-being who can look at things objectively and help me see past my gut emotions. He is my steady pillar of strength to anchor me when my emotions send me all over the place. I deeply need other people to tell me what to do and expect me to do things. Having someone very close to me aware of my own personal goals goes a long way to helping me actually fulfill them, making me more fulfilled in general.

I have changed. I am what I call a Social Chameleon. Naturally I view things much more like Yellow does. I am far more liberal. I like fantasy a lot, particularly Brandon Sanderson. My taste for games have changed from party games to strategy board games.

~Dragon Lady