"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - Darrell Royal
Question #92328 posted on 07/29/2019 4:18 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Throwback to question #91346 (http://100hourboard.org/questions/91346/): give me some top five lists, but let other Board writers choose your topics via flagettes.

-My Name Here

A:

Dear Requiem,

5 Best Questions I've Asked (Sheebs)

  1. Board Question #89499, where I steal the culinary secrets of Board writers past and present.
  2. Board Question #76245, where the Board gets its very own constellation.
  3. Board Question #75805, where I begin my Cliché Mormon Story Index.
  4. Board Question #73839, where Tally M. and Stego Lily write 100 Hours: The Movie.
  5. Board Question #77043. Since most of you don't have the permissions to view it, I've displayed it below. Sorry it's small—in case you can't read it, the best part is the flagette: "oh it's somebody's bf!!"

question.png

Top 5 Fusion Foods or Food Mashups (Tipperary)

  1. Spaghetti with meatballs. Thank you, Columbian Exchange. I mean, for the food, not the diseases and genocide.
  2. Thai chicken pizza.
  3. 5 spice candied bacon.
  4. French onion mac & cheese soup. Haven't actually tried this yet, but it looks really good.
  5. Jalapeno egg & sausage kolache. Or any savory kolache, really. You have to hand it to those Texans—they sure know how to appropriate other cultures' food.

Top 5 Things I Geek Out About (Van Goff)

  1. Dungeons & Dragons and other roleplaying games
  2. The Three Body Problem
  3. Other sci-fi/fantasy/speculative fiction
  4. Cooking
  5. Eating

Top 5 Redheads (Frère Rubik)

  1. Mary Magdalene: holiest redhead. Maybe married to Jesus?
  2. Jeung Yong-ju: turned the tide of the Chinese Civil War of 2104 and first redheaded leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
  3. The Weasleys: most magical redheads.
  4. Adrienne and Stephanie Vendetti: without them, I wouldn't even know how to redhead.
  5. Me, the best redhead.
Top 5 Board Names (Humble Master)
  1. Rating Pending
  2. Eh, Pacha?
  3. Zedability
  4. You, the Reader
  5. not yayfulness

-El-ahrairah

A:

Dear MNH,

El-ahrairah: 5 changes you would make to our public infrastructure

  1. ABOLISH SINGLE-FAMILY ZONING like Minneapolis and Oregon just did! It's good for increasing housing volume and thus decreasing housing prices, it's great for getting a variety of housing types (suitable for a variety of budgets and family structures) on the market, and by boosting density it greatly decreases the strain on roads, sewers, and other utilities that can serve the same number of people.
  2. Most people hit by a car going 20 miles per hour will survive. Above that speed, the fatality rate goes up dramatically, passing 50% around 40 miles per hour. People drive as fast as they feel comfortable driving, so if you really want to slow down traffic, don't bother putting up signs that nobody really reads anyway. Instead, make streets and lanes narrower. Make them feel narrower, even if they're the same width.
  3. On the same note, four-way stops reduce traffic speeds and make crossing the street as a pedestrian feel much less terrifying. There should be more of them.
  4. Protected bike lanes, especially with some sort of physical barrier to keep cars from crossing them.
  5. End parking minimums. They're usually excessive compared to actual demand. They make it impossible to build dense, walkable commercial spaces. They pave over urban space that could instead be dedicated to green, drainable land. They create giant lots that are ugly to look at and miserable to experience. They encourage a car culture that is literally killing the planet. Let businesses decide how much parking they want to provide - if they want massive lots that sit empty for most of the year, fine, that's their decision - but don't force them to build any more than they want to.

 

Sheebs: 5 best pictures of your hands

All pictures taken from Board Question #71939, because Those Hand PicturesTM also happen to be the only good pictures of my hands in existence.

  1. The third one
  2. The sixth one
  3. The fifth one
  4. The fourth one
  5. The second one

 

Tipperary: Top 5 modern slang words

I’m going to expand this to include grammar as well as vocabulary. I'll also throw in this 2013 piece from The Toast (may it rest in peace), which explains better than I can why I love internet slang so much.

  1. "Yeet" is one of my favorite words. Why? Absolutely no clue.
  2. Askgjshfkshshfkshdjaldhensjdkahfkss is such a perfect written expression of feeling flustered.
  3. I still yell "doge!" every time I see a dog.
  4. The verbing of nouns, e.g. "I saw a golden retriever today just doge-ing its way down the sidewalk" (although this grammatical quirk seems to have died off as a trend in the last few years).
  5. Because (minus “of”), e.g. "I don't know what to stick here so I'm just going to yeet the first example that pops into my head, because laziness."

 

Van Goff: Top five things you'd tell yourself ten years ago

Ten years ago, I was just a couple weeks away from going into the MTC. The first half of my mission was one of the worst years of my life, so I have a lot I wish I could say to past me. Since many of my fundamental beliefs have changed between then and now, I'm going to speak to my past self in the language that I spoke at the time.

  1. The moment you get to the MTC, you need to do everything in your power to get a prescription for an antidepressant. You know you're lying to yourself about how things are getting better. You have no idea how much worse they can and will get. You're also really overthinking all the reasons not to say anything to anyone.
  2. Read El-ahrairah's answer to Board Question #92262. God is not a bureaucrat. God does not want to exclude anyone from salvation or exaltation.
  3. No matter how you may feel at the time, you are not uniquely bad, uniquely flawed, or uniquely failed. Everything that you have failed at, someone coming from a better situation has failed even worse. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but it can help you keep your perspective. You are not and never will be unredeemable. Don't diminish God's redemptive power by claiming you are beyond it.
  4. You've got just a week or two of internet access left. Use every second of it reading everything you can about psychological and emotional abuse and how to survive it.
  5. I'm not going to tell you everything's going to work out fine. It doesn't. Ten years down the road a lot of things will still suck, and I have a feeling you'd barely recognize me. But you know what? A lot of good things will happen in the next ten years too, and it would be terrible for you to miss out on it. No matter what else happens, remember that.

 

Frere Rubik: Top 5 trains

Hello, I am a nerd.

  1. The shiny new Siemens SC-44 Chargers in service on Amtrak's Pacific Surfliner.
  2. SMV 70 and SMV 80, two positively ancient GE 70-tonners still in active service on the Santa Maria Valley Railroad.
  3. DM&E 551, built in 1954 and still in service after the demise of DM&E as the elevator switcher at Selby, SD (also the only engine on this list that I haven't seen in person).
  4. UP 6379, formerly SP 333 and still wearing its Southern Pacific colors. I got some close-up pictures last November when it spent the night parked behind my apartment with mechanical trouble.
  5. BNSF 735, still in its Santa Fe warbonnet paint.

 

Humble Master and Auto Surf, I am sorry. It's been more than a month and I still haven't even started on your lists (top 5 toys available in the 1940s and top 5 maps from the Guess the Map Facebook group), so I think it's time to admit defeat and finish my answer as-is.

-yayfulness

A:

Dear My Name Here,


Top five pieces of advice for being awesome (Sheebs)

First of all, I'm tremendously flattered.

5. Watch every (decent) documentary. Be open to the fact that people go through things you have no knowledge of or context for, and learn from it.

4. Go to therapy. Work on your stuff. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

3. Be willing to blaze new paths when you see they need blazing, as your emotional energy allows. Don't wait for others to stand up for something. Just do it. Figure it out as you go. You'll make mistakes but that's okay. It's better than the cost to your integrity.

2. Remember that people are doing the best they can. Understand that, whatever someone may have done, they had their reasons, even if they don't know what they are. Imagine what would have had to happen to you to get you to do that horrible thing, because you are capable of it, friend. We all are. Then treat that person with commensurate compassion and respect. This doesn't mean we have to accept others' bad behavior. We are all responsible for our actions, and we all get to keep ourselves safe. It does mean, however, that with the right mix of genetics/epigenetics, trauma, and nurture, we could all be guilty of any number of things. We all ARE guilty of any number of things. Let that inform how you treat people and marginalized groups. Shame never helped anyone.

1. You know that thing that you are ashamed of, that you don't think anyone would understand? Maybe you've tried to explain it to someone close to you, like a parent or a friend, and they have brushed you off or shamed you, so now you're even more afraid? Talk about it, whatever it is. If it is happening to you, it is happening to someone else, and they are too afraid to say anything too. Nobody is all that unique. Once enough of you can stop feeling shame, enough people will talk about it that it won't seem shameful anymore. It helps you and it helps others like you, and you can meet a lot of rad people and discover cool things about people you already know. Sure, some people may judge you, but in general the fear of judgment is worse than the reality of facing that judgment for your own benefit. Stop harming yourself to keep others comfortable.

 

Top five rom coms (Tipperary)

5. Imagine Me & You

4. Sleepless in Seattle (ugh admitting this in public hurts my heart, but also I can't help it)

3. Runaway Bride (so many emotional ties to this movie)

2. Elizabethtown (no, I'm not joking, don't judge me)

1. But I'm a Cheerleader

 

Top five cool things that have happened over the past year (Van Goff)

5. I dated someone I had wanted to date for a long time. It was brief but lovely.

4. I saw Andrea Gibson for the third time and they ripped my heart open and stomped on it but only in the best way.

3. I spoke to Tyler Glenn on the telephone after my podcast (how to say this) criticized Believer. He was really open to the feedback.

2. I became, of all things, an auto insurance adjuster. I make a decent living for the first time ever. I'm excelling despite the circumstances. I can't believe I am pulling it off.

1. Mental health professionals have told me I am getting better.

 

Top five things you say to yourself when no one is around (Man with a Mustache)

5. "If we can teach ourselves to parent with no help or modeling, we can teach ourselves this."

4. "There is no reason we need to think about auto insurance claims right now."

3. "When did we eat last?"

2. (specific string of swears)

1. "We should probably talk out loud to ourselves less often because it is becoming habitual and strangers notice when we accidentally do it in public and dear heaven we are already assumed to be crazy enough."

 

Top five times you flexed on someone who disparaged or underestimated you (Cognoscente)

5. Back when I was much less willing to let my anger be known, when I was distancing myself from the Church, I wrote in a Board-related forum about a particularly painful experience I'd had with my closest friends in Provo when I announced I was inactive. Another writer told me that I needed to be understanding, because it was likely more painful for them to watch me leave than it was for me to leave because they knew the eternal consequences. I told him, in public, that he was wrong, and that having a faith crisis was an intensely painful experience, and how dare he minimize that, basically. That was really scary for the version of me that was 10 years ago, especially since I didn't know anyone else personally going through that in the same way I was as early as I did.

4. I went to a ridiculously decorated arts high school. My music program was very competitive. I played bass clarinet because I was a pretty decent clarinet player but wasn't committed enough to be as good on clarinet as my perfectionism would have demanded. I really just wanted to go to the school for the atmosphere and academics anyway. There were three bands, and in my freshman year I was initially placed in the middle one. I was very successful, and one of the bass clarinetists in the top band was not, so at semester they bumped me up. The director of the top band, however, was unimpressed with me for reasons I'm still not sure about. I wasn't magnificent or anything, but he would regularly blame any problem in the low reed section on me. So then I placed first in all-state auditions, beating the bass clarinetist who was a senior at the time and who he treated like the Easter Bunny's gift to the stupid instrument. I never lost an audition again until high school ended and I promptly gave up the instrument. The surprise on his face when I won that audition was pretty cool. It's silly, but sometimes I still think about that and feel rageful but also powerful and good.

3. There once was a poor sap in my family who "well, actually"ed me when I said that addiction is a disease. And then I dropped eight years' worth of experience, specific references in the literature, and just knowledge on him like an anvil. My family is filled with really smart people with strong personalities, but I definitely won that one and it felt so gooooooood.

2. I'm in group therapy again right now, and at the beginning of every session, we go around and do check-ins. Usually we say why we are there, and I usually lead with depression/suicidal ideation, since that is what I am actually being treated for, and I'll mention my personality disorder and/or PTSD further down the list. Last week on Wednesday the person who went right before me was new, and so they were giving a summary of why they were there. They explained that they had PTSD because of something terrible someone in their life had done to them. They then went on to explain all of the negative qualities of this person: they are manipulative, use their charm to infiltrate groups, are a performer, and so on. And then they said, with just palpable disdain, "They were recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder." Shortly thereafter their check-in was concluded. I have a lot of anxiety about being perceived negatively based on that diagnosis alone, but that day I fought through it somehow, and I opened my check-in with, "Hi, I'm [the Black Sheep], and I am here for borderline personality disorder," calm and dignified as you please. (Then I calmly excused myself to walk a couple laps in the halls and take an ativan, but you get the point.)

1. Okay so once I was on a date with this lackluster dude when I still identified as bisexual. He clearly wanted to impress upon me how smart he was, and so out of nowhere he launched into this speech about how Andrew Johnson was the worst president ever and how it was a travesty he wasn't convicted by the Senate. It was pompous and he clearly thought I would have no idea what he was talking about. Joke is on him, though, and I was feeling salty, so I proceeded to launch into my own speech about how, while Johnson was an unforgivable racist, etc., the actual charges against him were specious political nonsense used as an excuse to oust him, which isn't exactly the stuff of a solid, upstanding government. I then went on to the high prices paid by senator Edmund Ross, whose vote kept Johnson from being convicted. His face went blank as I talked. He knew he had been bested. And then I left without saying anything else. It was great.

- The Black Sheep

A:

Dear friend,

Van Gogh Paintings: (Yayfulness)

1) Starry Night Over the Rhone (aka "the other Starry Night")

 VG2110-1000x1000.jpg

(source)

2) At Eternity's Gate

 Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 5.11.47 PM.png

(source)

3) Three Sunflowers in a Vase

 Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 5.12.48 PM.png

(source)

4) Cafe Terrace at Night

 Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 5.13.47 PM.png

(source)

5) Portrait of Joseph Roulin (10/10 good beard)

 Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 5.15.06 PM_1.png

(source)

Podcasts That Make You Think: (Sheebs)

1) Philosophize This

2) Beautiful/Anonymous

3) The Moth

4) In Our Time

5) Harry Potter and the Sacred Text

Sassy Comebacks: (Tipperary)

I'm gonna narrow it down to Shakespearean comebacks to make it easier.

1) "What, you egg?"

2) "More of your conversation would affect my brain."

3) "You have such a February face, so full of frost, of storm and cloudiness."

4) "I'd beat thee, but I would infect my hands."

5) "I do wish thou were a dog, that I might love thee something."

Vans: (Frère Rubik)

1) The Mystery Machine

2) Vans shoes (aka the only hecking shoes I wore in ninth grade)

3) Vincent van Gogh

4) Ludwig van Beethoven

5) The van down by the river

Artistic movements: (Humble Master)

1) Impressionism/post-impressionism (of course)

2) Pre-Raphaelite

3) Dutch Baroque

4) Pop art

5) Hellenistic Greek art

Acts of Kindness I'd Commit If I Were a Billionaire: (Cognoscente)

1) Give my parents enough money to pay off debt, fix their car/buy a second car, buy a house, and not have to worry about running their business anymore.

2) Pay for a whole bunch of people's college educations so they don't have to deal with student debt.

3) Put together a fund for young adults who are struggling and don't have insurance for therapy so that they have access to good mental health care.

4) Give more funding, resources, and space to the animal shelters in Utah so they wouldn't have to euthanize any animals.

5) Repay everyone who helped my family when our house burned down and we struggled to get by get back on our feet–our neighbors and my grandparents in particular. Life was financially hard for my family growing up but there were always people there for us who helped us, and I'd want to help them back.

-Van Goff

A:

Dear cygnet,

Top 5 Words (Sheebs)

  • filigree
  • peruse
  • moist
  • inflammable
  • dord

Top 5 Mythical Creatures that are Half Human (Tipperary)

  • satyr
  • centaur
  • minotaur
  • mermaid
  • siren

Top 5 Funny Quotes (Van Goff)

  • Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
  • Always give 110%. Unless you're donating blood.
  • Relax. Nothing is under control.
  • I'm a linguist. I like ambiguity more than most people.
  • Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Top 5 Types of Obsolete Technology (Humble Master)

  • paper library card catalog
  • quill
  • torch
  • floppy disk
  • sword

Top 5 Things You Would Say to Your Preteen Self (Alta)

  • Try new things!!!!!
  • You don't need to worry that much about which classes you choose in middle school.
  • Join the cross-country team! Maybe then you'll actually be good by high school.
  • Improve your relationship with your sister maybe?
  • Think about it: do you want to look back a decade from now and wonder "what if?" you had pursued that dream? (No, you don't.)

-Owlet

A:

Dear All The Lists,

Some of them are numbered and some of them aren't. I've numbered the ones where I had a definitive order myself. I hope you enjoy!

Top 5 Weirdest Things I've Done (Sheebs)

  • I have made some weird pizzas. My top 2 weirdest pizzas are spaghetti pizza which tasted like you would expect, and chocolate flavored sweet potato jam pizza (and not like a desert pizza, one with tomato sauce and cheese and everything).
  • I threw a Halloween party last Valentine's Day. It was my friend's idea, but I went out and found decorations, made a playlist, printed flyers etc. A bunch of people showed up in costume and it was legit.
  • I like to make solar balloons. Basically you cut up and tape together a bunch of garbage bags. You fill it up with a blow dryer and it flies. It's so much fun flying around a 12 ft all garbage bag balloon, but the best part is the look on people's face
  • I camped a night in the new engineering building. My friend and I brought sleeping bags and everything. Honestly I just did it for the cred.
  • I built my own 3 player chess board. That's right. 3 Player chess what up?

Top 5 Taylor Swift Songs (at the moment) (El-ahrairah)

  1. "The Last Time (feat. Gary Lightbody)"
  2. "You Belong with Me"
  3. "The Story of Us"
  4. "Everything has Changed (feat. Ed Sheeran)"
  5. "Fearless"
This one was so hard! I could totally make a top 25 list. Someone please ask me a question about my top 25 Taylor Swift songs!

Top 5 Things that Make me Happy (Van Goff)

  • When you're driving down the road listening to the radio and a Taylor Swift comes on. You're in the car so you can roll down the windows and blast it and sing along. That right there is my jam.
  • When you see the opportunity for a clever pun come up, and then the conversation naturally goes to a topic where you can bring the pun up, and you nail it and people laugh. I love puns and hitting a good one is just amazing.
  • When you finish an assignment or test and aren't completely tired so you walk back to your apartment and you're free so you relax and watch YouTube. You were going to anyways but it feels so good because it isn't accompanied by the impending doom of procrastination
  • When you're walking home and it's late so it's quiet and dark. You can see the glow of the street lamps and it's lightly snowing or raining and you're listening to soft music and you walk home in the magical beauty of the night.
  • When you are working on a project and it actually works. I thought that studying engineering would make my projects succeed but now I just have more complicated projects that never work the way they're supposed to. Sometimes you pour your entire heart and soul into projects and they don't turn out quite right, so when they actually work it is just the best ever and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it

Top 5 Chess Piece (I'm gonna go with best pieces in 3 player chess) (Humble Master)

  1. Bishop: The way my board is shaped the diagonal lines the bishops take look curvy. What this means is that people think they're safe from the bishop when they actually aren't. Everytime I've played someone has killed a queen with a bishop
  2. Pawn: In 3 player chess you have to defend yourself from 2 people at the same time. Defense is even more important so you need to protect your pawns. 
  3. Queen: The queen obviously has the best moves, but the way the board is shaped their rook moves aren't that useful. Plus they have a target on their back.
  4. King:  Kings are actually surprisingly mobile and good in 3 player chess
  5. Knight: Knights are slightly less useful than normal, but it's hilarious to see people freak out and not know how they move.

Top 5 South American Foods (Entomaphagist)

  1. Brazilian Black Beans and Rice: I could eat this every day of my entire life.
  2. Milanesa Nepolitana: This is the Argentine version of chicken parmesan and it is absolutely amazing. I had a Milanesa Nepolitana on my trip that was so good I had an emotional moment and teared up.
  3. Facturas: These Argentine pastries are the fattiest most sugary thing ever. They are terrible but so amazing and I love them.
  4. Coxinha: This a Brazilian street food where you wrap chicken in mashed potatoes and fry it. Not only are they delicious but they're super cheap and I wish I had them.
  5. Inka Kola: You can buy it here, but it's originally from Peru and it's everywhere there. It's yellow but tastes like bubble gum soda. I like Peruvian food, but nothing was better than washing it down with some Inka Cola.

Peace,

Tipperary

A:

Reporting for duty, no name!

Top 5 Hats (not 5 top hats):

  • Fedoras (on little kids)
  • Baseball Cap
  • Newsboy Cap
  • Beanie
  • Abe Lincoln's Top Hat

Top 5 Kinds of Toast:

  • Stuffed French (the ones they have at Mimi's Cafe...oh man...)
  • French
  • Peanut Butter
  • Cinnamon
  • Lemon Raspberry Crepes I had at Crepes Ooh La La in San Francisco and by the way, crepes are close enough to "French Toast" for me buster
  • Suck it, Avocado

Top 5 BYU / Board Memories:

  • The way that the Duchess introduced Latro to everyone the first time I saw him
  • That one time I sat on a couch on a porch with a girl on each side and put my arms around both of them
  • Admitting that I didn't like Mexican food in a job interview at Los Hermanos, then immediately saying I could pretend to like it, then having the person who referred me (The Smurfs) say "Why didn't you just lie in the first place?!"
  • When I lived in Deseret Towers as a freshman and like 3 sophomore girls cut my hair
  • When my fiance (the one I married) mailed everyone in the class we met in after it was over and said "Remember that one lame guy we all hated? I'm marrying him!"
Top 5 Non-Disney Classically Animated Films (this one is hard):
  • Rupert and The Frog Song
  • Spirited Away (and Studio Ghibli in general of course)
  • The Iron Giant
  • Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
  • Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation
Top 5 Worst Chain Restaurants
  • Taco Bell
  • Jim's Family Restaurant
  • Long John Silver's
  • Appleby's
  • Outback Steakhouse 
 
Johnny 5 is alive,
Toasteroven
A:

Dear person,

Top 5 Rocks (from Tipperary)

1. Uluru

2. Okotoks Erratic

3. Opal

4. Moonstone

5. Agate

Top 5 Worst Places in Canada (from El-ahrairah)

1. Edmonton, Alberta

2. Winnipeg, Manitoba

3. Toronto, Ontario

4. Saskatchewan

5. Alert, Nunavut

Top 5 Fun Facts about Psychology (from Van Goff)

1. One of the early hypnotists who tried to treat hysteria (basically neurological and other psychosomatic symptoms of mental illness) was Franz Mesmer, who once had a best friend named Father Hell, wore lilac robes as he pointed at people with a metal wand, played the glass harmonica, and plagiarized his thesis on the topic of how celestial objects influenced behavior. 

2. Freud's personality theory (psychosexual stages, defense mechanisms, etc.) was inspired by the idea of conservation of energy.

3. As in character as it seems, B.F. Skinner never created a box and put his baby daughter in it.  

4. E.B. Titchener was the most boring psychologist ever.

5. Francis Galton, who is rather infamous due to his advocacy of eugenics, had a weird intelligence test where he would test people's perceptual acuity by doing things like seeing how well people could discriminate between pitches.

Top 5 Parts of the Canadian Flag (from Frère Rubik)

1. The red maple leaf.

2. The left red block.

3. The right red block.

4. The white background that is behind the red maple leaf.

5. The rectangular shape.

Top 5 Plot Holes that Still Bug Me (from Humble Master)

Will do all Harry Potter plot holes because I don't get the chance to read much fiction and these are the fiction books I actually remember in any amount of detail.

1. Why didn't Lupin and Sirius, both of whom were very smart, simply stun Pettigrew to take him back to the Hogwarts grounds?

2. Why does Hogwarts have no measures against portkeys?

3. Why did the Potters not have an escape plan? Like a house elf that could disapparate or a portkey that they could call into use, seeing as portkeys can go in and out of anywhere?

4. Not a plot hole but it bothered me that Voldemort was evil because his mother coerced his father into marrying him. It kind of went against the whole "it's all about your choices" worldview.

5. Everything in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.

-Sheebs

A:

Dear Magnificent Noodle Harp,

I am all for this becoming a new Board tradition. Here we go!

As per last year's answer, not only will I be ranking my top five in each category, but I will also be ranking the categories themselves, as I got five suggestions again. Without further ado,

5. Top 5 Uses For LaCroix Soda (from Tipperary)

Tipperary.

Listen.

We do not need to keep talking about LaCroix.

It is not good. 

There are much better sparkling waters. I am referring specifically to Spindrift, which tastes like what I THOUGHT LaCroix would taste like before my tastebuds were so cruelly deceived. 

But, I am bound by the rules of the question, so:

5. Passive-aggressively serving it to people to get them to leave your house when you are tired and cannot rely on a Tig Notaro Party Bit.

4. Summoning demons with it, as it is the closest thing I can think of to un-holy water.

3. Taking a sip of it and then spitting it out immediately when someone tells you surprising news.

2. Using it to water a plant, but, like, a plant that you hate. 

1. Opening a can just to pour it on the sidewalk so it will not afflict another human's palate.

Bleh.

4. Top 5 Episodes of SpongeBob (from Vienna)

So...have I even seen five episodes of SpongeBob? I cannot be sure. I'll rank them based on my fuzzy recollections:

5. The one where SpongeBob gives Gary a bath. I just...can't.

4. The one where SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are lost in the woods.

3. The one where Squidward tries to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant and SpongeBob's brain deletes his own name.

2. The one where SpongeBob is trapped at a bus station after he and Patrick went to a glove-themed amusement park. I remember one quote from this episode, which is "Ah, Glove Candy dispenser!" *SpongeBob takes a bite of said candy, then spits it out* "Bleh! Glove flavored!" That's a good joke.

1. The one where Squidward has to put together a band and where that "Sweet Victory" song comes from. I technically did not watch this one but you were playing it in the car on our long drive when we were traveling through that most accursed land, Wyoming.

3. Top 5 YouTube Videos (from Sheebs)

Here's the thing, Sheebs: I don't spend that much time on YouTube anymore, and so it is a bit hard to remember the greats. I shall give it my best try, though:

5. They're more well-known as an Instagram page, but OwlKitty's videos are very well-done, especially this one from The Lord of the Rings.

4. This one's pretty new indeed, but I highly recommend The Godzilla Kid and the other videos in that series.

3. Bad Lip Reading has many good videos, but for my money the one that pops up in my memory the most is "SEAGULLS! (Stop It Now)"

2. Schmoyoho is another ancient YouTube channel still producing great content; like the above entry, the video I most associate with them is this one, from eight years ago (wow).

1. There will never be a YouTube video greater than this, The Dog of Wisdom.

But there's a lot of other stuff I like that didn't make this list. (*cough*Why Not Me*cough*By The Lonely Island*cough*) Send me an email for more recommendations.

(Psst. Before you leave. Watch DairyFish.)

2. Top 5 Buzzwords (from El-ahrairah)

Since Addison is in the world of Public Relations, I hit him up for all the hottest buzzwords. He gave me most of the following, all of which I have totally heard of and can explain what they mean:

5. Pivot to Video. This is an advanced, almost dance-move like manuever, where you sit at a desk reading boring, old-school news and then flip your swivel chair around to face your TV! Awesome! Wow! How do you INDEED, fellow kids?

4. Authentic Experiences! All the kids these days be seekin' experiences where they have to authenticate their identity. That's why Duo is the #1 app on BYU campus, yo!

3. Machine Learning! Do you know what's tired? Teaching pre-schoolers. Do you know what is LITERALLY wired? Teaching pre-school-aged COMPUTERS! Gotta get all those machines some learnin', yo! I am young and hip and fresh and down with all the lingo.

2. Brand Engagement. First, we had just regular brands. Then, we had witty, self-aware brands. Then, we had the witty, self-aware brands asking each other to prom. The only logical step forward? BRANDS GETTING ENGAGED. BOOM. Capitalism is your friend, kids!

1. Micro-influencers. In this world of Instagram stars, how do you stand above the crowd? By not trying to, obviously: think small! Small things cute! Small things nice! Small things bring 3rd-quarter revenues! So get yourself a micro-influencer, otherwise known as an influencer shorter than four feet tall. Swag. Yeet. #YOLO.

And Finally,

1. Top 5 Historically Significant Video Games (from Humble Master)

Now. This one is a doozy. Mostly because "video games" is a medium, not a genre. How does one choose the top five historically significant books? Movies? Albums? Granted, all of those things have existed far longer than video games, which have only been around for forty years, give or take. Still, this is what I've got:

5. Tetris. Reader, ask yourself two questions: 1) Do I consider myself a "gamer?" and 2) Have I ever played Tetris? I'll bet that, no matter what the answer is to Question 1, the answer to Question 2 will likely be "Yes." And just think about that for a second: Tetris is a game so ubiquitous that it seems like most people have played it, regardless of their familiarity with video games in general. That, I think, is a testament to just how well Tetris is designed and executed: it is easy enough to understand that anybody can pick it up, and yet it is also challenging/intriguing enough that lots of people will stick with it, trying to get better and better scores. It also has lasted the test of time: it was originally released in 1984, I can remember playing it on my parents' old Macintosh computer sometime in the 90's, and I currently have it downloaded on my phone for when I get bored. Just classic stuff overall.

4. Super Metroid. A game so influential it launched its own genre (with Castlevania: Symphony of the Night), the Metroidvania, all based on the extremely rewarding gameplay of discovery and exploration. I've never actually played Super Metroid, but I've played so many other games inspired by it (most recently: the excellent Hollow Knight) that I can respect its influence all the same.

3. Braid. Though Braid is quite good, I picked it more for what it represents than for the game itself. We're living in a golden age of indie games, and Braid was one of the first indies to achieve critical acclaim. As I follow gaming news and play what I can, I find myself caring less about the big AAA blockbusters (your Red Dead Redemptions, Uncharteds, Assassin's Creeds, and so forth) and more and more about all of the new ideas hitting the indie scene, and that all might not have come about if not for the quality and success of Braid.

2. Minecraft. Minecraft is also here for what it represents, but whereas Braid isn't talked about so much anymore, people are still getting into Minecraft (source: Vienna's little brother, a high school senior, who I talk to in order to sniff out what's hot with all the cool teens. He says that Minecraft is coming back in a big way). But what I want to highlight here is the community of sharing and collaboration that Minecraft inspired. When Minecraft dropped in 2011, YouTube had been around for a few years, but I can't quite recall any other game before then that spawned as many YouTube videos. Minecraft was all about creating cool stuff and then sharing that cool stuff with everyone, and I'd say it played a major role in the rise of all these Let's Play videos and platforms like Twitch.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Breath of the Wild was not the first open-world game. It was not the first systemic game. It was nowhere close to the first Zelda game. But something about it feels completely unique and original and never done before. I don't know if I can pin it down; I don't know if anyone else has been able to, either. But when you play BotW, you can just tell that people are going to be talking about this game for years to come. Though this is, of course, subjective, I find it worth noting that, on this list of video games that I've been using for reference, Breath of the Wild is the only game from 2017 to make the cut. It's not like that was a slow year for video games, either: that same year saw the release of Resident Evil 7, Prey, Destiny 2, and even Super Mario Odyssey. There's just something groundbreaking about Breath of the Wild.

(You are, of course, welcome to debate me on any of these.)

---

Well, that was fun! Sorry this took so long, everyone. I look forward to doing it again next year.

-Frère Rubik

A:

Dear Doctor,

Top 5 Tourist Attractions in Ohio (Tipperary):

  • Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
  • Columbus Zoo
  • Franklin Park Conservatory and Botanical Gardens
  • Hocking Hills State Park
  • National Museum of the U.S. Air Force

Top 5 Games (Ms. O'Malley):

  • Harry Potter: Hogwarts Battle
  • What Do You Meme?
  • 7 Wonders: Duel
  • Superfight
  • Sagrada

Top 5 Memes or Top 5 Jokes on TV from the Past Year (Vienna):

  • Spider-think meme
  • PSA when a girl cries meme
  • Surprised Pikachu meme
  • [Redacted because I don't want to spoil season 3 of The Good Place]
  • Celebrities as things tweet threads

Top 5 Dog Breeds (Sheebs):

  • Shih Tzu
  • Corgi
  • Pomeranian
  • Labrador Retriver
  • King Charles Spaniel

Top 5 Character Names from Thomas Pynchon Novels (Humble Master):

  • Zepho Bark
  • Scarsdale Vibe
  • Slab
  • Sauncho Smilax
  • Reverend Wicks Cherrycoke
Cities You'd Like To Visit (El-ahrairah):
  • Helsinki
  • Edinburgh
  • Paris
  • Managua
  • Washington D.C.
Top 5 Foods You Want To Try (Ardilla Feroz):
  • ANYTHING I'M SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW

-Tally M.

A:

Dear Listy McListerson,

Top 5 Voices/People to Impersonate (Tipperary)

  1. Donald Duck. Always a classic.
  2. Gollum. A true staple of singles ward talent nights.
  3. Louie Armstrong. His voice is SO distinctive it has to make this list.
  4. Donald Trump. As much as I despise his personality and his politics, his voice is iconic or something, I guess.
  5. Morgan Freeman, because nobody has such dulcet tones as him. I could never actually hope to sound like him, but I wish I could, y'know?

 

Top 5 Random Facts (Sheebs)

  1. Wojtek the bear (warning: there's some strong language in that video) was a bear who fought in the Polish army during WWII and was adorable. He was adopted by some Polish soldiers as a cub, and soon became an integral part of their battalion. He would eat marmalade from the mess tent, swallow whole lit cigarettes, and break into the showers to take long hot showers (this led to him eventually finding a spy hiding in the showers and chasing him away, because Wojtek was a true hero). He gained the rank of private in the army, because in order to bring him on the ship to Italy he had to have an official military ranking, and ended up playing an integral role in the Battle of Monte Cassino by transporting thousands of pounds of munitions. Plus he was really dang cute.

    Wojtek.PNG
    (source)
  2. Green jello was originally invented in the 1930s as a way to suspend savory salads in a beautiful way, and its citrus flavor was supposed to compliment the savory flavors. That's why old ladies still put all sorts of weird things in green jello!
  3. A lot of dinosaur fossils are radioactive.
  4. Maybelline (the makeup brand) was invented in 1915 by a 19 year old boy when he noticed that his sister, Maybel, mixed Vaseline and coal dust together to make a formula to darken her eyelashes. He adapted the formula and sold it (the first commercial mascara!) as Maybelline, a combination of his sister's name and Vaseline.
  5. The original Twinkies had banana-flavored cream, until banana shortages during WWII forced Hostess to change the flavor to vanilla. (Additional fun fact: Twinkies were invented before WWII!) It was such a hit that they never switched back to banana after the war was over. 

 

Top 5 Colors (Humble Master)

  1. Ocher yellow
  2. This shade of aquamarine
  3. Millennial pink. Who wouldn't like a color named after their generation?
  4. Black, because it's classic and a good choice for almost anything (clothes, furniture, cars, eyeliner, you can't go wrong!)
  5. Red

 

Top 5 Tall People (Frere Rubik)

  1. Robert Pershing Wadlow (8'11"!). Wadlow is the tallest person in history, so OF COURSE he has to make this list. At 5 years old he was over 5'6" and wore clothes that would fit a 17 year old boy, and hadn't stopped growing yet when he died at age 22 and almost 9 feet tall.

    robert wadlow.jpg
  2. Bao Xishun (7'9"). He used his height to help rescue dolphins! Veterinarians hadn't been able to remove shards of plastic from the dolphins' stomachs, so he reached in and removed the plastic manually with his Very Long Arms.
  3. Anna Swan Bates (7'11"). I believe she was the tallest woman ever, and after she married a man who was also almost 8 feet tall, they ended up having the world's largest baby, who at birth weighed 22 pounds and was almost two and a half feet tall!
  4. Shaq (7'1"). He's a man of many talents, and also his Hot Ones episode is really funny.
  5. Andre the Giant (7'4"). I'll always love him for portraying Fezzik in The Princess Bride.

 

Top 5 Things I ALWAYS Say to My Students (Man with a Mustache)

  1. "Hey guys, welcome to class" 
  2. "How is [playing on your phone/watching Youtube videos/whatever other time-wasting thing a student is doing] helping you do this assignment?"
  3. "Have a great rest of your day!"
  4. "PLEASE remember to turn this in"
  5. "Time for the joke of the week!" 

 

Top 5 Unexpected Things about Being a Teacher (Van Goff)

  1. How cliquey teachers can be. Who knew there could be so much DRAMA between them?
  2. How much better it is to teach junior high than it was to go through it. I mean, this seems obvious, but because I had such an awful time in 8th grade I thought teaching 8th grade would be awful, too, but turns out it's so fun when YOU'RE not the one experiencing crazy hormones.
  3. How much of teaching doesn't actually involve teaching (grading, lesson prep, meetings, etc.)
  4. How shameless teenagers are about asking for your food that you're in the process of eating.
  5. How easy it is to distinguish between all your 200-odd students. I thought it would be so hard to learn all their names, and then to know even the most basic of facts about them, but when you see them all the time you actually get to know them fairly quickly and pick up on their personalities really fast. Plus, some students make the process even faster by randomly telling you all about everything in their lives (for example, one student told me all about her first kiss about a week after meeting her). 

 

Top 5 Noses I'd Pick if My Life Depended on It (Ardilla Feroz)

  1. Anathema's (haha, what a story behind this that we'll hopefully never share with anyone)
  2. My husband's. I'm sure he'd hate every second of it, but I'd rather pick his nose than a stranger's. 
  3. Ellen DeGeneres', because she would be waaaay less awkward about it than anyone else.
  4. Am I allowed to say potential future children here? Imma say potential future children, because I'm going to have to do all sorts of gross stuff for them anyway.
  5. Whoever is currently ranked as the Sexiest Man Alive at the time of the nose-picking. Because then at least I would get to meet the sexiest man alive.

-Alta

A:

Dear Boilerplate:

Let's do this.

Top 5 doors, via Tipperary:

  1. The Doors of Perception, Aldous Huxley
  2. The doors in the Monty Hall problem
  3. The Doors
  4. Two Door Cinema Club
  5. 3 Doors Down

Top 5 things people should do more, via Sheebs:

  1. Drink more water
  2. Confront their own mortality
  3. Not become attached to material goods and social status
  4. Leave bad relationships
  5. Seek good relationships

Top 5 boring titles from classic literature (not the novels or short stories themselves, just the titles), via Humble Master:

  1. An American Tragedy, Theodore Dreiser
  2. A Death in the Family, James Agee
  3. Herzog, Saul Bellow
  4. The Trial, Franz Kafka
  5. Ficciones, Jorge Luis Borges

Top 5 very specific places, via The Man with a Mustache:

  1. Gate B-17 at Salt Lake International
  2. The Trolley Square TRAX station in November, 2012, during the first snowstorm and the best first kiss of my life while Don't Stop Believin' is playing (diegetically? Maybe)
  3. The side of Coit Tower that faces the Bay, but this is like 10 years in the future and I'm rich and mildly famous
  4. The gay bakery across from the LDS Institute in the Marais in Paris
  5. The Dushanbe tea house, north side, in Boulder, CO
Top 5 moments that made you into the person you are today, via Van Goff:
  1. The graduation party in May 1987 where I was conceived. Quite literally made me!
  2. My parents going all-in and getting sealed in the Salt Lake Temple in June '96
  3. Meeting the one who got away on a flight to Wisconsin.
  4. My mom dying. Dark! True!
  5. The one who got away incepting the idea of moving to Los Angeles and writing movies.

---Portia

A:

Dear My

Top 5 Masters Who Are Not Humble (yayfulness)

5. Mirror Master (DC Comics)

4. The Master (Buffy)

3. The Master (Doctor Who)

2. Masters of Evil (Marvel Comics)

1. Darth Vader ("Now I am the master")

Top 5 Worst Superhero Movies (Alta)

5. Fantastic 4

4. X-Men: The Last Stand

3. Suicide Squad

2. Steel

1. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

Top 5 Heist Scenes Where Someone Says "I'm in" (Frere Rubik)

*There are two times this line of dialogue gets used, when they're asked to join the team for the heist, or during the heist when they get into a room and tap their ear and talk into their wrist (or when a hacker gets into a system). I looked up instances of this quote being used, but there's no way I could look at every scene to determine how it's used. So here are my choices based on vague memories of movies. Also, there's a heavy overlap with spy movies, and I'm bringing them into this discussion. 

5. Casino Royale

4. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

3. The Italian Job

2. National Treasure

1. Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

For the edification of readers, here are movies I used google to confirm used this line of dialogue: Inception, Captain America, The Inredibles, Casino Royale, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Jurassic Park, Heat, The Matrix: Reloaded, X2, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, The Town, 21 Jump Street, Dead Poet's Society, Yes Man, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Scott Pilgrim, National Treasure, X-Men: The Last Stand, Horrible Bosses, The Italian Job, The Mist, Back to the Future Part II, Vanilla Sky, Dawn of the Dead, 21, The Fugitive, Lost in Translation, Neighbors, Pineapple Express, Goldeneye, 22 Jump Street, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Ocean's Twelve, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Man on a Ledge, Rise of the Guardians, Godfather Part III, The Internship, The Mechanic, Mission Impossible III, Sucker Punch, Tower Heist, Paul, Despicable Me 2, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, High Fidelity, Ghost Rider, Ocean's 13....

Top 5 Things It's Hard to be Humble About (Sheebs)

*I didn't know if this meant "Anyone would have trouble being humble if they'd done this thing" or "Humble Master isn't very humble about..." I decided to make a list for the former and avoid any real introspection

5. Walking on the moon

4. Winning a Nobel prize

3. Successfully landing a damaged plane on the Hudson River

2. Being an Iron Chef

1. Winning a dozen+ Olympic gold medals

Top 5 Female Fictional Characters (The Man with a Mustache)

5. Miss Marple

4. Beatrice (from Much Ado About Nothing)

3. Matilda

2. Storm

1. Lizzy Bennet

Top 5 Historical Events You'd Visit If You Could Time Travel (Van Goff)

5. Martin Luther nailing the 95 Theses on the door

4. Berlin Wall coming down

3. Shakespeare performing on stage at the Globe

2. Battle of Yorktown

1. The moon landing

Top 5 Fictional Characters with Mr. in Their Name (i.e. Mr. Incredible) (Tipperary)

5. Mister Sinister

4. Mister Freeze

3. Mister Miracle (this one has shot up the rankings because of the Tom King/Mitch Gerads comic)

2. Mr. Incredible

1. Mr. Fantastic

Top 5 Comic Book Issues (Spectre)

*This is off the top of my head because this question is overdue, the parameters are whatever issues popped in my head when I pondered "Best comic book issues." I know some great ones are left off this list.

5. Amazing Spider-Man #248 "The Kid Who Collects Spider-Man"

4. Vision #2 "Everything Slips Through Their Fingers"

3. Amazing Fantasy #15 "Spider-Man!"

2. G.I. Joe #21 "Silent Interlude"

1. Watchmen #5 "Fearful Symmetry"

-Humble Master

A:

Dear Name,

Top 5 Mustache Styles (Sheebs):

5)

Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 8.22.25 PM.png

4)

Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 8.22.32 PM.png

3)

Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 8.22.00 PM.png

2)

Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 8.22.15 PM.png

1)

Screen Shot 2019-06-05 at 8.23.42 PM.png

BATSTACHE

source, source

Top 5 Martial Arts Movies (Spectre):

5) Samurai Jack (the entire TV series. Amazing animation, hilarious writing, great fight scenes)

4) House of Flying Daggers (The drum dance scene!)

3) Ip Man (Donnie Yen = Mr. Rogers + Bruce Lee)

2) Hero (amazing cinematography and concept)

1) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (the story! the music! the choreography!)

Top 5 Pizza Toppings (Toasteroven):

5) Pepperoni

4) Sausage (discs, not crumbles)

3) Black Olives

2) The entire margherita setup (fresh mozzarella, whole basil leaves, chopped tomatoes)

1) Pineapple (Fight me. When you need pineapple on a pizza, nothing else will even remotely satisfy.)

Top 5 Sayings/Quotes I Live By (Van Goff):

5) "Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace." (Amelia Earhart)

4) "...and when he falls he shall rise again, for his sacrifice shall be more sacred unto me than his increase, saith the Lord." (D&C 117:13

3) "Verse, fame, and beauty are intense indeed, but death intenserDeath is life's high meed." (Why Did I Laugh Tonight? by John Keats)

2) "And, spite of pride in erring reason’s spite, One truth is clear, whatever is, is right." (Essay on Man by Alexander Pope)

1) "But if the while I think on thee, dear friend, all losses are restored and sorrows end" (Sonnet 30 by William Shakespeare)

Top 5 Favorite Hobbies/Pastimes (Alta):

5) Ultimate Frisbee

4) Home improvement projects (recently, adding a half bath and a bedroom to my basement)

3) 3-D printing (lately, play-doh molds for my kids, a holder for my collar stays so I stop losing them, and neat doorstop for my classroom door)

2) Stargazing (with a telescope)

1) Cooking

Top 5 Lines from Hamilton (Humble Master):

My apologies to Humble Master, but I've never listened to Hamilton. I've had it playing in the background for the the last hour or two, but trying to distill my 5 favorite lines in a single listen was going to be too much work. I laughed a few times (Winter Ball, "What do we have in common? We're reliable to the LADIES!") but to say that I was finding gems as I listened would not be true. What I did get out of this is that I enjoy Lin-Manuel Miranda's work and it seems like Hamilton will be worth a listen. Just not before tomorrow.

Top 5 Cereals (Tipperary):

5) Frosted Flakes

4) Honey Bunches of Oats (if only it weren't so ridiculously expensive)

3) Captain Crunch

2) Crispix

1) Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Hey, that was kind of fun.

- The Man with a Mustache

A:

Dear you,

Words with a minimum of five syllables (The Man with a Mustache)

  1. Saccharomyces
  2. Lactobacillus
  3. Secessionism
  4. Heterogeneity
  5. Circumlocution

Favorite things to bake (Van Goff)

  1. Bread, particularly sourdough
  2. Pizza, also sourdough if possible
  3. Pie
  4. Cookies
  5. Brownies

Reasons everyone should visit Russia (Alta)

  1. Cool buildings
  2. Pretty good weather (at least when I went)
  3. Free wifi almost everywhere; just make sure you have a way to receive calls - preferably on a Russian number - to sign in.
  4. Great art collections
  5. The St Petersburg Metro still uses these cute little tokens instead of tickets

Pasta shapes (Guesthouse)

  1. Bucatini
  2. Cavatappi
  3. Farfalle
  4. Tortellini
  5. Lasagna

Pokemon (Spectre)

  1. Eevee, for unadulterated adorability
  2. Blaziken, for single-handedly carrying most of my Ruby playthrough
  3. Groudon, for helping Blaziken out in the late game
  4. Sobble, for being named Sobble
  5. Magikarp, for jumping so high

I'm sorry, Humble Master, I really don't know anything about invasive animal species that have disrupted biomes.

Eating utensils (Tipperary)

  1. Fork
  2. Knife
  3. Hands
  4. Spoon
  5. Chopsticks

Bugs to eat (Sheebs)

  1. Crickets
  2. Ants
  3. Mealworms
  4. Locusts
  5. Buffalo worms

-The Entomophagist

A:

Dear friend, 

MBTI Types (The Entomophagist) 

  1. INFJ (sorry. By default.)
  2. ENFP
  3. ESFJ
  4. INFP
  5. ENTP

Top 5 PAW Patrol Pups (HumbleMaster) (I need everyone to know I've never seen this so I watched over two hours of episodes to feel like I had enough evidence to support my choices. #doitfortheboard) 

  1. Rocky 
  2. Tracker
  3. Rubble 
  4. Everest
  5. Marshall

Top 5 Things to do in Hawaii (Tipperary) (I've only been to Oahu, so... my suggestions are specific to there.)

  1. Snorkel. Electric Beach is the best. 
  2. Eat a Hukilau Burger from Hukilau Cafe. Delicious burger, teriyaki beef, fried egg, grilled onions, cheese, tomato, and mayo. I'm not kidding, this is the best burger I've ever had. Ever seen 50 First Dates? This is the namesake restaurant. 
  3. Hammock at Three Tables at sunset. The ocean soothes your woes away.
  4. Visit the PCC. But try to make friends with BYUH faculty first otherwise it's heccin' expensive. 
  5. Kualoa Ranch. Ever wanted to visit Jurassic Park? Now's your chance. (it's pricey, but cool) 

Top 5 moments in the Sonic the Hedgehog Trailer (Frere Rubik)

  1. "Gotta go fast" *eyes flash* (0:29)  Iconic
  2. Jim Carrey's entrance... "Are you in charge here? ... NOPE! Wrong. I'm in charge."  (0:47) I hope Jim Carrey has a good chiropractor because tbh it seems like he carries the whole movie.
  3. "The Doctor thinks you're basic." (1:07)  Reminds me.... "Ya Basic." 
  4. When all the missiles are stopped in midair (2:08) Because no movie would be complete with their own version of a Matrix-esque bullet dodging scene. 
  5. "... I mean, yes, it's a child, but it's not mine." (2:32) I'm a sucker for bad writing, what can I say? 
Top 5 Yoga Poses (Spectre)
  1. Child's Pose
  2. Grasshopper
  3. Flying pigeon
  4. Triangle
  5. Warrior III  
Top 5 Places to Visit (Sheebs)
  1. Your family's house. They miss you. Free food. Free lodging. It's an obvious choice!
  2. Banff, Alberta, Canada. Please stay in the Fairmont Hotel and tell me how it is. Get Maple Fudge. Enjoy the mountainous view and the turquoise waters of Lake Louise
  3. Tobago. Excellent exchange rates, relatively close so flights are cheap, plus you get to experience the Caribbean. 
  4. Glacier National Park 
  5. Phuket, Thailand

Cheers, 

Guesthouse

A:

Dear Liszt,

Time for some lists of totally real facts!*

Top 5 Totally Real Facts about Outer Space

  • You cannot breathe in outer space, but fish can because they have gills.*
  • The vacuum of space is captured in glass jars and used to power Dyson brand vacuums.*
  • The reason why we haven't landed on Mars is because the martians would boot and tow our spaceships.* Rovers are okay though.
  • The reason that it's called Outer Space is because the Earth is hollow and the inside is filled with Inner Space.*
  • The earth isn't flat but Saturn is.*

Top 5 best inventions of the 20th century

  • The platypus was invented in 1904.*
  • The triangle was invented in 1973.*
  • The iceberg laser was invented in 1913. I mean, have any big ships hit icebergs in the last 106 years?*
  • The lemon was invented in 1929.*
  • Everything from the 90's.*

Top 5 People in History

  • Genghis Khan*
  • James K Polk*
  • P. T. Barnum*
  • Jafar*
  • Christopher Columbus*

Top 5 Life Hacks

  • You can get away with any crime by throwing a smoke bomb at the ground and shouting "Ninja Vanish".***
  • All food can be improved by adding 3 tablespoons of cumin.***
  • Move to Idaho. Just do it.***
  • If you wear those glasses with a fake mustache no one will be able to steal your identity.***
  • Wear flippers to your job interviews. The hiring managers will love your confidence.***

Them right there are the facts!* Please ignore the asterisks.

Totally Real Facts

*These sentences may or may not be true. Who's to say really?

***Please do not follow these life hacks. They will hack your life in a bad way. The 100 Hour board is not responsible in any way for the consequence of your actions.

A:

Dear chicken potato,

Here you go!
To fellow writers: Y'all know me so well, I'm thrilled.

Top 5 Fruits (Owlet)

  1. Durian
  2. Rambutan
  3. Passionfruit
  4. Lucuma
  5. Bloodberry


Top 5 Most Ferocious Rodents (El-Ahrairah)

  1. Deer mouse
Top Five Beautiful Places in the World (Van Goff)
  1. Thethi, Albania
  2. Coral Reef, Utila, Honduras--to date, still the most intact and vibrant coral reef I've seen. I hope it's there, still.
  3. Tena, Ecuador
  4. Dzanga Bai, Central African Republic--this is one of the largest forest elephant clearings in the world.


Top 5 Awkward Encounters With Officers of the Law, Or Just People in Authority
(Alta)

  1. the cactus trunk drivers license incident--in a series of events involving purchasing a Fijian war club at the D.I. and swinging it around in the JKB parking lot, I accidentally locked it and my car keys in my trunk. The police station, mere feet away, easily opened my car door, after which point I had to crawl into my trunk through a small hatch and rummaged around in the dark for my keys, also rediscovering with my hands I'd purchased a huge bag of spiny cactus pads from Rancho Markets. By the time I emerged with my key, the police officer had discovered my license was a year and half expired, and that is how I ended up being chaffeured around to my date the hour after (it did not go well).
  2. the Qatari dating personal questions incident--I was detained in Qatar and taken to the police station after I was seen taking a picture of an oil well, which is illegal, apparently. The police went through my personal effects in an attempt to discover if I'd taken more pictures of their critical infrastructure, which I hadn't. What they did discover and review was many screenshots of people I'd found attractive on Tinder, which weren't in particularly good taste. Upon concluding I'd done nothing of legal interest, they began to ask me questions about my personal dating life.
    "Are you married?"
    "No."
    "Do you have any kids?"
    "No."
    "How old are you?"
    "Twenty-seven."
    "At what age do you think it is good to get married?"
    "Twenty-two."
    **Laughter**
  3. the stolen waffles at Motel 8 incident--whilst totally not a senior at BYU, my mom stayed at the nearby Motel 8, but didn't eat her breakfast, so she left in the morning and suggested I eat it on my way to school. Halfway there, I concluded they would probably realize i was a student when I strolled in with a bulky backpack over my shoulder, so I stashed the offending bag in their bushes. After eating, like, four waffles, I emerged from the motel to discover, to my horror, that the bag was gone. They had it at the front desk, along with an annoyed manager, who, outside beneath their sign, explained to me whilst I sat miserably on the ground that while he didn't even care about the breakfast materials--it was, what, three dollars?--what I had done was extremely tacky, so just, like, think about that for a bit, college student. Think about that.
    I did, and never went back. 
  4. the Turkish staring contest incident--minding my own business while traveling in what was apparently a conflict area in Eastern Turkey, my unshaven brother and I were stopped at a checkpoint and detained there for hours, unable to chat in basic Turkish. The initial guards were fine, but we got on the bad side
  5. the accidental BYU bomb scare incident


Top 5 Ways to Save Money
(Sheebs)

  1. Scavenge old buckets of food storage wheat from the street which the elderly did yeet. Obtain your weight in the grain. 1977, a good year! Grind it with your secondhand grain mill and taste-test it on Tipperary. Profit?
  2. If you're backpacking around Argentina, persuade gas station security guards to let you camp on their property. Free armed security! Free concrete mattress! Profit.
  3. Eat dandelions you scavenge from the mountains while on breaks at your job. Profit. Wow, those were all horribly bitter. Unprofitable. Good thing it's BERRY SEASON
  4. Hang around at the end of church events and solve the equation of "What Should Be Done with These Eighty Nine Cold Hot Dogs?" Profit.

 

- Ardilla Feroz

(Editor's note: The Deer mouse is so ferocious, when Ardilla encountered one recently, it scared him so bad he couldn't add anything else to these lists. Sorry!)

A:

Dear you,

Sure, I'll give this a try again.

Top 5 Obscure 80s songs (Toasteroven)

  • The Jetzons - "Hard Times" - An obscure synthpop gem from 1982 and the original melody for the background music to Ice Cap Zone from Sonic 3, one of the most beloved and most remixed video game tunes ever. You might need to have been a child of the 90s for this to be meaningful, but when I discovered this it blew my freaking mind.
  • R.E.M. - "Carnival of Sorts (Boxcars)" - Much like Ben Wyatt on Parks and Rec, I've been a superfan of R.E.M. for years. Before they were the biggest alternative band of the 1990s with hits like "Losing My Religion," they were a quirky 80s college rock band out of Athens, GA. This song appeared on their 1982 EP Chronic Town before they had even released their first album, and it's one of my favorites. The crisp arpeggiation of Peter Buck's guitar, the clean rhythm section of Mike Mills and Bill Berry, the cryptic mumbling lyrics of Michael Stipe, and the effervescent harmonies—everything that made vintage 80s R.E.M. so wonderful is all here.
  • T.S.O.L. - "Flowers By The Door" - These guys have a messy history but they were a staple of the southern California punk rock scene throughout the 80s. They were a huge influence on The Offspring! This 1984 record featured a different vocalist that was channeling Jim Morrison and it's significantly more melodic than the rest of their catalog. This is the best track from that album.
  • The Replacements -"I Will Dare" - In a just world, these guys would have been HUGE. This pioneering alt-rock band from Minnesota started out punk and would end up influencing most of 90s rock with their raw, heart-on-sleeve sound. Their alcohol-fueled live performances were infamous for being either very good or very bad. This song is the first track off the excellent 1984 album Let It Be.
  • New Order - "Procession" - Joy Division was a legendary post-punk band that lasted from 1976-1980. The band ended abruptly when the singer Ian Curtis tragically died by suicide, and the rest of the band reformed under the name "New Order." Where Joy Division's sound was pure post-punk, New Order later got famous with uptempo synthpop dance hits like "Blue Monday." This track is a single from 1981 and is a perfect midpoint between the old and new sounds. That, and it's beautiful and mysterious and emotionally powerful and the perfect song to listen to lying in bed with the lights off if you're a depressed or misunderstood teenager.

Top 5 Reasons That Would Convince You (as in the general you, not me, I already watch the heck out of it) To Watch Frasier (Van Goff)

  • During its 11 years between 1993 and 2004 it was a phenomenally award-winning show.
  • For its time it was a very progressive, subversively LGBTQ positive show. Several of the main and supporting cast and principle writers were gay, though most weren't out yet. All the farce episodes involving a gay character draw humor from misunderstandings, not tropes. They didn't punch down. That's very difficult to say about any other mainstream 90s show. Friends and Seinfeld didn't age nearly as well.
  • The show's writing features a lot of educated jokes. Jokes about psychiatry, art, opera, classical music, literature, wine, food culture, history, and high society are frequent and never dumbed down. Even if you don't get a reference, the humor still holds, but it's especially satisfying if you have some background. One of my favorite exchanges is where Frasier is hoping to score with one of Daphne's friends and it happens to be both highbrow and incredibly lowbrow at the same time:
Niles: I grant you she's comely, but don't you find her a tad — what would the polite euphemism be — stupid?
Frasier: Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle.  Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time!
Niles: Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in "Pygmalion."
  • David Hyde Pierce, who plays Niles, gives not only pitch-perfect delivery but is a tremendously gifted physical comedian as well. He's a joy to watch through the whole series.
  • The Niles+Daphne Will-They-Or-Won't-They romantic arc lasts for years but stays compelling the whole way through, and even though some sitcom tropes are to be expected, the show goes deeper than most in critically analyzing it from multiple angles. What could be a cliche, 1-dimensional relationship is instead a thoughtful, engaging, central dynamic for conflict and narrative drama for almost the entire length of the show.

Top 5 Cartoons (The Man with a Mustache)

I'm gonna give you five for adults:

  • The Simpsons (seasons 1-10)
  • Bob's Burgers
  • Futurama
  • King of the Hill
  • Archer
Also, Bojack Horseman is good but SO dark that I have to be in the right mood to enjoy it. And I like Rick and Morty a lot, but at some point the fanbase for that show became so toxic that I'm kind of ashamed to admit it for fear of the stigma it brings.

Top 5 Songs You Would Play For Someone Who Just Came Out Of A 60 Year Coma And Wants To Catch Up On The Music They Missed Out On (Humble Master)

If I had to pick 5 songs released since June of 1959 to demonstrate popular music's journey, they might look like:

  • You have to have a Beatles song. Have to. I think I'd pick "A Hard Day's Night" (demonstrates their unique rock and roll sound and composition choices) or "Tomorrow Never Knows" (demonstrates how far they pushed the boundaries of recording technology in the 60s).
  • Something to show how blues, hard rock, and heavy metal manifested into 60s/70s Classic Rock. I think I'd choose Black Sabbath's "Paranoid." Always a banger.
  • Gospel, soul, funk, R&B, and electronica manifested for a brief, glorious moment in disco! Avoid the polyester stereotypes and go for Donna Summer's trailblazing single "I Feel Love."
  • Discussing hip-hop is inescapable. Like, hey, a bunch of dirt poor black kids in the Bronx invented what in 40 years became the most beloved and globally successful musical art form in the world. The trouble is, where do you even start? It's too enormous a genre to pin down to a single song, but I'm gonna take a stab at it and pick "C.R.E.A.M." by Wu-Tang Clan. It's a 1993 classic, the production is fantastic, the emcees are universally lauded, and it's catchy as [heck].
  • After that, it's hard. How do you discuss a half-century or pop music without mentioning Chuck Berry or Sam Cooke or Bob Dylan or Marvin Gaye or Willie Nelson or Miles Davis or ARETHA FRANKLIN or Dolly Parton or David Bowie or Billy Joel or Freddy Mercury or Elton John or Michael Jackson or Madonna or Whitney Houston or Prince or Kurt Cobain or Garth Brooks or Mariah Carey or Britney Spears or Eminem or Kanye West or Taylor Swift or Beyonce or Rihanna? It's just too vast to contemplate. So I'd throw up my hands in defeat and just hand them a copy of 21 by Adele because it's far and away the best selling record of the 2010s and it's a masterpiece and no one from any era could possibly dislike it.

-Cognoscente