Dear 100 Hour Board,
Of all our 45 US Presidents, which one had the biggest nose? I know who was the tallest, heaviest, thinnest, etc. But I know several had nice-sized honkers. Whose out-sized all of the others?
Here are pictures of all of the US Presidents in order. I took them all from this Wikipedia article.
|George Washington||John Adams||Thomas Jefferson||James Madison||James Monroe|
|John Quincy Adams||Andrew Jackson||Martin Van Buren||William Henry Harrison||John Tyler|
|James K. Polk||Zachary Taylor||Millard Fillmore||Franklin Pierce||James Buchanan|
|Abraham Lincoln||Andrew Johnson||Ulysses S. Grant||Rutherford B. Hayes||James A. Garfield|
|Chester A. Arthur||Grover Cleveland||Benjamin Harrison||Grover Cleveland||William McKinley|
|Theodore Roosevelt||William Howard Taft||Woodrow Wilson||Warren G. Harding||Calvin Coolidge|
|Herbert Hoover||Franklin D. Roosevelt||Harry S. Truman||Dwight D. Eisenhower||John F. Kennedy|
|Lyndon B. Johnson||Richard Nixon||Gerald Ford||Jimmy Carter||Ronald Reagan|
|George H.W. Bush||Bill Clinton||George W. Bush||Barack Obama||Donald Trump|
There is a clear winner for the Biggest Nose Award: William Henry Harrison, whose nose is undoubtedly colossal.
Bravo, William! And now for our other award winners.
Next, we have Martin Van Buren winning the Biggest Hair Award:
And for the Biggest Mullet Award, James K. Polk:
And for the Biggest Beard Award, Rutherford B. Hayes:
And for the Biggest Mustache Award, the enviable William Howard Taft:
And the Best-Looking James Award goes to James Monroe, who beat out James Madison, James K. Polk, James Buchanan, James A. Garfield, and Jimmy Carter for the distinction:
I would also like to give Zachary Taylor (1) the Most Unhappy to have his Picture Taken Award and (2) Best Severus Snape Lookalike Award:
In a similar vein, Harry S. Truman is the clear winner for the Most Similarities to Harry Potter Award:
And last but not least, the Most Likely to be Featured On Ancient Aliens Award goes to none other than Andrew Jackson:
We hope you have enjoyed our award show this evening.
Sure, you might care about who has the biggest nose, but have you ever wondered who is the hottest president?
Well, my friends, wonder no more.
-guppy of doom
Dear proboscis monkey,
I'd say that the running is pretty close between George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt.
I just don't think the others can quite compare.
Dear Proboscis Pete,
I am highly uncomfortable with you referring to noses with the word "proboscis." It's a gross word and they look gross in nature (except on elephants because everything about elephants is cute, including their trunks) (but probably only because we refer to them as "trunks" instead of "proboscises").
Just look at this tapir. It's cute, except for its weird, droopy proboscis.
And what about this proboscis monkey?
Finally, check out this nasty mosquito and its nasty proboscis (along with this accompanying unsettling article about how mosquitoes suck your blood):
I hope these pictures cause you to think about your choice of verbiage in the future, Proboscis Pete.