Whenever he thought about it, he felt terrible. And so, at last, he came to a fateful decision. He decided not to think about it. ~John-Roger and Peter McWilliams
Question #92558 posted on 08/20/2019 12:30 a.m.
Q:

Dear Writers

How do you handle romantic entanglements when you're about to move, especially when there isn't anything clear between the two of you? There's a guy I'm interested in, and we've been on a few dates and hung out a lot. I like him a lot and would be interested in a pursuing a relationship with him, but I'm moving out-of-state in a few weeks. I have no idea how he feels about me. What do I do? Is it worth it to try to ask him out again or tell him how I feel if I'm going to be gone soon?

- Red Herring

A:

Dear Communist Fish,

So like first of all, bonus points for using the phrase “romantic entanglement”. Serious props on the vocab.

Okay, so the whole moving out of state thing is a little less than ideal. But I think you can totally still make it work. It’s obviously not as fun as being in the same place as them, but I think that there actually some legit benefits to the whole thing. For example:

  • Use it as an excuse to achieve clarity: This is a great way to bring up the “what are we” conversation. You have a legit reason to ask them, “Hey, do you see this going anywhere? Cause I’m about to peace.” I sometimes get nervous about bringing things up so I like having a built-in excuse to do so. Also, if it works you can totally date. Pursue A relationship and really enjoy the last few weeks of summer. If not...
  • You can make a graceful exit: I think one of the hardest things about a break up/someone you like rejecting you is having to see them again, pass by the spots you used to hang out, drive past their apartment, etc. If you’re moving out of state and this doesn’t work you totally get to peace out and move to a different place. It’s an instant fresh start. The only way to make a fresher start would be to do that and cut or dye your hair. Which you could totally do.
  • Long distance can help pace things: So my first relationship was semi-long distance for like 2 months right at the beginning and it was actually super nice. I only saw them every two weeks so I had time to plan dates, I didn’t have to worry about spending too much/too little time with them, and it gave me a little bit of space to try figuring out being in a relationship for the first time. It was actually pretty nice.

So I say you go for it! Talk to him! Communication! I know this is like the same cliché advice The 100 Hour Board has given forever, but I just started dating someone and she is so open with communication it makes everything 5000 times easier. (Side note: she is a couples therapist so it’s kind of cheating. But I highly recommend dating a couples therapist). 

Talking is scary, but honestly so is the lack of clarity. Putting your feelings out there is hard but it could be totally worth it. If it doesn’t work out I’m sorry. I’ll bake you cookies or something. Hope this helps!

Peace,

Tipperary

A:

Dear Red Fish,

I agree with all of the writers that answered, but I'm a lot more hesitant when it comes to long distance relationships. What came to my mind first was, "How long will you be out of state. Is it permanent, or only for a month or two?" 

I've been in three long distance relationships, and they really didn't work out. The main reason being was that I didn't have a solid foundation when it came to these relationships. I find that a solid foundation and trust are two big factors into making it work. (Plus being willing to visit each other every now and then if your move is permanent.) If you think you have a good enough solid foundation, I echo everyone else in telling him how you feel. It's better than leaving yourself with "What if?" in your mind. 

-Goldie Rose

A:

Red Herring,

Keep in touch? I don't know how long you'll be gone, or how far away. But at the very least, keep in touch. Maybe the timing is right some other time, or maybe you decide you like each other that much. Whether you want to tell him how you feel is up to you, and whether you feel that's necessary. Whatever you do keep two things in mind:

1) what is the result I want from my next action?

2) anything could happen

Stay intentional, and stay happy. 

Babalugats

A:

Dear Cast the Net, 

You have been blessed with the beautiful gift of moving, my dear. If you can muster the courage to tell him how you feel, you get the best options no matter what he says. If he likes you back, you can try to work something out. If not, you get to just move and not have to worry about seeing him around. Or, it could be short term, and you'll get to stay in the fun stages of dating before calling it off. It really might be the ideal situation. 

Anyway, I think it's always totally worth it to be honest. If more people were just straightforward about their feelings, we'd save ourselves so much heartache. Plus, you never know where something will lead — it could work out very well for you. Regardless, you will always learn something from these kinds of experiences, so notwithstanding the outcome, you will be glad that you were true to yourself and your emotions. 

Cheers, 

Guesthouse