By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. -George Carlin
Question #92595 posted on 09/05/2019 7:42 a.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

whenever jesus is thirsty, what kind of straw would he use? a jeffree star approved one? a rubber one from walmart that is $4.99? also, is #savetheturtles a problem in heaven? like are they allowed to have plastic straws?



Dear Mikayla,

Jesus wouldn't use a straw. He'd drink out of a cup like a man.

When it comes to heaven, I guess it depends on your definition of heaven and where we're at in the Plan of Salvation. I imagine all the animals will be happy and flourish without danger (think the Garden of Eden). I doubt there's littering in heaven, so I imagine if you want a straw in heaven you could. There will be a way to make them easily reusable or biodegradable. Bamboo?

Either way, I think the six pack plastic rings are much more of a problem than straws if they're not cut up. I don't have any studies to back it up, but it's my personal opinion as there aren't alternatives for them but still cause havoc. Maybe I haven't gotten into the Save the Turtles movement enough.

-Goldie Rose


Dear Mikkie,

Plastic is nothing's perfect form, so heaven has no plastic whatsoever. #savetheturtles isn't an issue there because they didn't drive turtles to the brink of extinction in the first place, so they don't have to save them from anything. In fact, turtles in heaven are already saved, as evidenced by the fact that they're in heaven. And even if they did use straws in heaven, they certainly wouldn't use Jeffree Starr's overpriced ones when you can get a lot more bang for your buck for cute rainbow metal straws on Amazon. Not that they use Amazon in heaven, because heaven isn't some corporate scheme where Jeff Bezos is in charge, but, you know, they have better options than Jeffree Star straws. Oh, and definitely no Walmart straws in heaven, because there's no Walmart in heaven, because heaven isn't some corporate scheme where Sam Walton is in charge.