Dear 100 Hour Board,
People who are engaged or married: when was the moment when you realized that you were ready to propose to your partner?
-My Name Here
"Thanks God, must have heard when I prayed..." (Amazing Day by Coldplay - mine and Pebble's song)
At the beginning of our relationship, Pebble and I were both still living with our parents, and my parents (very Utah Mormon culturally orthodox kind of people) were really awful to Pebble because he wasn't an RM. I often let their harsh words get to my head and change the way I saw Pebble. We had a pretty intense discussion about it one night, and I was seriously torn. I couldn't bear the concept of losing him, but the outside influences were telling me that he wasn't good enough because he didn't "check the box." He was really upset by this because he loved me but didn't understand why I couldn't respect this decision and agency.
Newsflash, you don't have to serve a mission to be a good person, and I was being 1) judgmental 2) rude 3) naive and 4) not Christlike. I think I was also projecting my own doubts on him, because I was internally struggling but tried to convince myself that emphatic (or forced) conformity to Church culture would make me "better" and make my doubts go away. It doesn't work like that, and I know that now, but at the time I was still Going Through It.
In any case, at that moment I wasn't sure what our future looked like, and I hated feeling that way. I had us hold hands, tears covering our faces, and pray to see if God had anything to say about us being together. Keep in mind, most of the time I feel nothing when I pray. Even when I really really mean it and I'm looking for an answer, things are quiet. But at that moment, I just felt an overwhelming feeling of peace, and I knew that God put us together for a reason. I felt that They cared about us, and I felt Them tell me to be kinder, love and trust Pebble, and things would work out okay. I say Them intentionally. It felt like both of our Heavenly Parents were there, a couple supporting another couple in their goals of perfect love. Right then, I felt like we could handle anything because God was telling us that we were meant to help and build each other. That's the moment I really solidified my commitment to him, and to us.
Marriage/future/family-type talks all happened really naturally for us over the course of our relationship after that, and after a few more months, I opened a "100 things to talk about before you get married" list of questions and I realized that we had talked about literally every item on the list, I knew all of his answers. That also made it pretty obvious to me that we were a really good fit for each other, had really good communication skills, and that I was just really happy being with him. Heck, I'd marry him any day.
Pebble's favorite movie of all time is Interstellar. We've watched it probably more than 10 times at this point (granted, I've fallen asleep before the end at least half the time), and more and more I find myself quoting Dr. Brand (Anne Hathaway): "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can't understand it yet."
I don't understand it fully, but I know that I love Pebble and he loves me and I trust that God loves us too. I'm a very anxious person, and I take a long time to make big decisions... but I trust that I am making the right choice, and for once in my life I don't feel scared... even though it's the biggest, scariest choice I could possibly ever make! And that means something to me. It's really true when they say "when you know, you know" because there isn't a better way for me to explain it. It just feels kinda intuitive. We've also been together so long and been through so much together that it felt just natural to agree to it. I can talk to Pebble about anything and everything without fear of judgment, and when I think about our future together I feel grateful that it will be with him, and joyful about the opportunities rather than being super anxious and terrified (which is often the default for me.)
In a couple of weeks we'll shoot our engagement pictures and bridals, if you ask then I'll post pictures because I'm SUPER HAPPY!
Dear Yer Name Here,
I didn't propose, but Carl knew that I was his future wife before I did.
A month (June '15) after I got home from my mission, I was having a really hard time with some things in my life. I wasn't happy and I was struggling hardcore.
When Carl and I were dating, he told me in October '15 that he had a prompting in June to start praying for his future wife, as she needed extra prayers. When he started to date me, he continued to pray for his future wife. But after 4-6 weeks of dating he naturally replaced the phrase "future wife" with my name in his prayers instead. He told me this and I felt so much love rush into me, and I bawled. God knew I was having a hard time in June and wanted Carl to start praying for me. I immediately told Carl what was happening in my life in June. It was a confirmation to me that God knew we were right for each other, as we would be meeting a month or two later.
Additional factors that helped us know that we were right for each other were:
- we both meshed well in each other's family dynamics
- had the same values and goals
- could envision a future life together with each other
We also went through 100 questionnaire similar to this (100 Questions You Should Ask Before Marriage). This had a lot to do with bullet point #2.
So I feel like this is really 3 separate questions: when did you realize you wanted to get married, when did you officially realize that you were going to get married, and when were you ready for the actual act of proposal. My answer to these 3 questions respectively are:
- When did you realize you wanted to get married? We had been dating for a little over a month. We were on our weekly temple date, and I felt like it would be good to do sealings together. Me, being afraid that she'd think I'm crazy, didn't bring it up. My fiancee however, is the bomb at responding to inspiration, and suggested we do some sealings. As we were doing sealings, I looked into her eyes and realized how much I love her. Afterward, sitting together in the sealing room I thought "I think being married to her would be heaven". And that's when I realized I wanted to marry her.
- When did you officially realize that you were going to get married? After the previous experience, we both started talking about our futures a little differently. I figured that she probably thought about marrying me, and I thought it was a good idea to bring up, but again I was too much of a coward to do it. We decided to go on a trip together to Boston to check out some colleges and visit some family. One night, which happened to be our 2 month anniversary, we were talking to each other and she asked me if I thought we should get married. I told her that I did, so we talked for a few hours about getting married and it was super cute.
- When were you ready for the actual act of proposal? I don't know if I ever felt ready. I only got everything together like a few hours before, and I had it all planned about a few days before. It's actually kind of a miracle it turned out well! If you want to read about that check out Board Question #92834!
Anyways, hopefully this answers your questions! Everyday I realize more and more how much I love my fiancee and how excited I am to marry her!
I've been trying to think if there was a single moment that I realized I was ready to propose. I don't think there was. I wish I had an answer like: Sunday Night Banter's foolproof checklist to see if you are ready to propose, but I don't have an answer like that. I really enjoyed being around my wife and I could tell she was feeling the same. Naturally, marriage would come up as a topic in our conversations and it felt good and right.
I think it will differ for each individual, but I hope my answer helps in some way!
-Sunday Night Banter