"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells." - Dr. Seuss
Question #92880 posted on 01/28/2020 7:12 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board Relationship Advice Team,

So I've gotten myself into a pickle. Or perhaps a conundrum, I'm not sure which. All of my relationship experience can be expressed in one of two situations: Situation A I notice her she completely shuts it down. Situation B We both notice each other end up going on 3ish dates in a week for 3-6 weeks and then breaking up (like a bad extended NCMO w/o the N)
Now you see I've gotten into the beginnings of another relationship that looks an awful lot like Situation B. But I'd like it to turn out better this time. Thoughts, advice, suggestions?

-Love, true love?

A:

Dear Impressive Clergyman, 

First, please listen to Tell Her About It by Billy Joel

My advice is that you try to hold off on so much of the 'CMO part if you're actually interested in fostering a long-lasting relationship with this person. If they're interested in the same thing, they won't complain about being more than a makeout buddy. Go on more than 3 dates before you start going for the lips all the time. Really focus your time on getting to know the person and giving them care and attention that they deserve. Find out what your future SO is interested in and focus on doing things that they would enjoy. Try to be as selfless as possible, not going for what you want to get out of it per se, but to make the other person happy. What are you willing to do for them? 

Of course, kisses are awesome. I'm not dissing kissing. You should kiss them. But don't overuse the power of the kiss so early on!

Also, don't feel bad that things haven't worked out in the past. It's okay that they haven't, and you've learned from yourself. If this relationship doesn't work either, that's alright too. As long as you put healthy effort into it, it will be worth it. You don't always have control over how things turn out, and that's just how it is. 

Most importantly, if this relationship is going to work out and go in a longer-lasting, healthy direction, your love interest needs to be good about talking with you. Good relationships have good DTRs and lots of good conversation in general. Talk so much that you never feel uncomfortable bringing up a topic, feeling, or question. That's how you know it's real. If you can talk about your relationship and enjoy spending time with each other while not sucking face, you can probably get it to work out pretty well. Basically, like every piece of relationship advice ever, mine is: *gross Tik Tok hand motions* 

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Cheers, 

Guesthouse

A:

Dear Buttercup,

The other writers have some great advice here. I'm just going to chime in and say that every time you've experienced Situation B, there must have been some reason that you didn't continue the relationship, right? Either it wasn't working for you, or it wasn't working for her, or both. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing if you stop dating after a few weeks, even if it's not a fun situation. Would you rather commit to a relationship that doesn't work?

I'd maybe consider what you're looking for and whether each proto-relationship will really fulfill your needs. This isn't to say that you should only date perfect people or only foster perfect relationships, because neither of those exist. But maybe take a little bit of time to think about it before you dive head-first into something that may or may not work for you.

Best,

Josefina

A:

Love,

What about it looks like your other situation B's? Are feelings waning? Is it your feelings or hers? You might find some important patterns there.

This sounds like a control thing. Like, yeah, we all want our relationships to work out, but we can't know or control that. You can't even know if you will feel the same way in a few weeks. Unless you do. Do you know that?! Do you already know you want this to work out indefinitely? Maybe you don't have to think about this in terms of marriage, but do you already know you want to be with this girl for 6+ months?

The way you worded this question sounds like probably yes? But I'm not sure. The wording also sounds like maybe you hadn't thought about it like that. 

If yes, then that is a BIG SPANKING DEAL. Congratulations! Honor those feelings by living out this relationship as honestly as you can. Tell her that you like her, and tell her often. Tell her why you like her. Ask her questions about how she feels about everything. Foster a constant stream of communication. 

If no, I do wonder about why the committed relationship. I get other people may have a different standard of commitment than me, but for me to be in a committed relationship I want to be crushing hard, uninterested in other people. I want to know there's at least 3 months of honest effort, time investment, communication, and compromise. If there's going to be a break up, there's going to be a reason, and that reason should have been discussed in time to work on it. Of course I can't know if that will be when I say yes to a relationship, but it should be reasonably likely. 

All this is just to give you some things to think about, mostly in consideration of why you want to control the outcome. You obviously have a preference about the outcome, and you should ask yourself why. Is it the girl? Or is it because you want something to work out? If it's the girl, TELL HER. If it's something else, no problem. Just give it time and effort. Either way, you can't control her side of things and honest to goodness vulnerable communication leads to connection. If it doesn't result in a relationship, at least it results in connection. If you feel you did your best at that, you won't have much to regret if it comes to an end.  

Babalugats