"The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right deed for the wrong reason." -T.S. Eliot
Question #92889 posted on 02/07/2020 6:45 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

So the 100 Hour Board has been around for a long time. Many enlightened boarders have answered many imponderable questions. I wanted to know how you guys got onto the board? Is it a duel, a trial by ordeal, a Chubby Bunny contest with the existing members? What's your story?

Curiously yours,
-Rapier Tapir

A:

Dear Rapier Tapir,

Absolute bribery. With a bit of blackmailing. 

It all started when I stumbled across the Board again after over 12 years since my sibling wrote for the Board. I began to read it occasionally when I was bored during one of my history classes. Then that occasional glance became an addiction, where I automatically went to the web page each class without thought. Refresh, refresh, refresh, I'm Board!, I'm Board!, I'm Board! 

As I was reading, I kept thinking to myself, "Ugh, I really wish I could answer those questions myself!" "No, ANOTHER genealogical question? Gimme, gimme, gimme!" -sigh-

I would attempt to leave a correction. But since some of my responses were my own opinion, I'd get rejected. Other times I'd be more successful and it would be accepted. Victory is mine.

Then I started to use my genealogical stalking skills to good use. After I submitted my request for an application I knew I had to do something to make myself stand out from the rest. I'd set out a trap, a tiny little trap. I had already figured out who Tipperary was, so why not try to find out the identity of others?

What is something that BYU students love more than free food? Free money of course! I used my siblings status as a retired writer to my advantage. I knew where the sacred book was, which some of the writers didn't know where it was. I placed a sum of money into the book, submitted my question, and lurked in the shadows. Who would come and reveal themselves as a writer?

A hah! A familiar face! Tipperary! While he wasn't my main target, I saw a swarm of tunnel worms coming our direction to guard the sacred book. I shielded myself behind him and told him that I wasn't going to help him fight off these tunnel worms unless he grants me access to become one of them. If he rejects my offer, I'll be posting his identity for all to see! Tipperary looked at the amount of worms and agreed to my conditions. 

We were back-to-back fighting off each and every tunnel worm as they kept on coming. I used my lightning fast ninja skills that would put Kim Possible to shame! I looked back to see how Tipperary is doing. he was throwing vegetables right and left at each tunnel worm with such form, grace, and skill! I've never seen such talent when it came to using vegetables as a weapon.

As the first round of tunnel worms had ended, Tipperary barrel rolled one direction to escape, while I cartwheeled toward the exit. As I feared for my life, I dared not to wait it out and see which board writers might emerge from the shadows. Curses, foiled again! No new identities!

I eagerly waited for my question to publish, and was pleased to see I had enabled Guesthouse to get the one thing she loves- cinnamon rolls. I emailed her about receiving my application, and she admitted that she hoped I'd be writing alongside her soon. Bribery was a success!

A little while later, I was a board writer.

-Goldie Rose

A:

Dear Tapir,

As you may learn from the archives and the Prospective Writers page, there are a LOT of requirements to be a Board writer. I imagine the others have pushed the memories of their initiation process from their minds. However, I remember every detail, so here's how you really get onto the Board: 

1) Run 10 miles barefoot across tacks (It's proctored so we know you aren't cheating)

2) Recite the Russian alphabet backward

3) Win 2/3 matches in a Jell-o Pudding wrestling competition

4) Hold a flaming marshmallow in your open mouth for 45 seconds

5) Write an exhilarating, source-supported 7-page statement explaining your desire to be on the Board, filled with as many Homestar references as possible

6) Make a perfect batch of Jacques Torres chocolate chip cookies and deliver them to a secret location

7) Discover which question contains the main origins of this list of requirements by reading the entirety of the archives under a 100 hour time constraint.

8) Receive an honorary doctorate degree in general research from Google.com

9) Pass a Personality Consistency Test so we know you're true to yourself

10) Participate in a blood oath to sell your soul and time to the 100 Hour Board. This is where you are given your own paper bag. 

You get extra credit points for a few other things, particularly discovering writer identities and making a recipe that impresses Ardilla Feroz. 

Becoming a Board writer is not for the faint of heart. 

Cheers,

Guesthouse

A:

Dear Rapier Tapir,

I was helped by...certain friends. They told me that I would receive an email in a certain number of days confirming my appointment to the Board. I dared not ask how this was possible, but sure enough when the email appeared in my inbox I found myself the newest writer for the Board. All my attempts to discover how this occurred have been met with dead ends. Perhaps they've found a tunnel into the system, or have another one of theirs on the inside...but I know if I ask too many questions I may be replaced, and so I content myself with my easy entrance to the Board.

-guppy of doom

A:

Dear you,

I guess they didn't have enough writers and were stuck with accepting my application. Some of us just happen to get lucky! And now you're stuck with me. 

Sorry, not sorry.

-Sunday Night Banter

A:

Dear reader,

A Chubby Bunny contest. Definitely a Chubby Bunny contest. Finally all that Chubby Bunny training from middle school sleepovers came in handy.

Sincerely,

Cerulean