"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells." - Dr. Seuss
Question #92915 posted on 02/28/2020 11:23 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Tunnel worms?

-Scared Freshmen

A:

Dear Scared Freshmeat,

Tunnel Worms.

-Inklings.

A:

Dear Freshie, 

You should be scared. We don't know much about them because every time we send someone down there to do some research... well, let's just say we don't do that anymore. 

Do you know that water pipe leak in the library? They're trying to play it off because they don't want to insight panic... but my insider knowledge is that the worms broke those pipes to send a message. I think they're working their way to the upper floors. Remember, I ran into a small one on the first floor of the library and had to fight it off, so clearly they're less afraid of students than in the past, which is not just troubling, it's mortifying. 

We believe this is in retaliation for BYU no longer having EFY on campus. During the summer months, there are fewer students, so the worms particularly enjoy feeding on the younger, dumber meat of a wandering EFY student, which keeps them happy until winter, when they tend to retreat back underground a bit more. I am extremely nervous about what this spring/summer will bring if the worms are not sufficiently fed. We are currently working on a game plan with WORM-G (Worm Obliteration & Razing Management Group) to keep campus safe in the coming months. 

We do not advise that you attempt to feed the worms. Uffish Thought was braver than the rest of us, but sometimes hubris will get you killed. The authorities cannot do anything to protect you because they know they're powerless against the kingdom of worms that infests the underworld of BYU. You can volunteer with WORM-G, but their...erm... turnover... is quite high. Most often, they bate the worms appetite with burgers placed strategically around campus. 

As far as we can tell, there were few tunnel worms that lived primarily under the WILK, but their population has since grown exponentially, and we have evidence they reside in at least the HFAC, SWKT, ESC, WILK, HBLL, JKB, and I have sufficient experience to conclude they have also infiltrated the JFSB. I doubt anywhere is safe at this point though. 

Also, be aware that you should not try to make friends with the worms. We have received requests for tunnel worms to be wrangled and kept as pets or lovers. The cost is too high and we refuse to empower you to do something so foolish and questionable. 

We constantly grapple with the dilemma of whether we need to create an informational packet to distribute to save more students, or if (like the authorities) we should try to manage the worms ourselves as long as possible. Thus far, the latter strategy has been acceptable. However, I have been working on a compendium of tunnel worm science and anecdotal evidence, as well as a suspected death count (it's over 100, just so you know) to begin preparing for the day when we may need to militarize all of campus for an all-out war against the worms. This task was too great to summarize here, but if you would like you are welcome to read all 255 responses that come up when you search "Tunnel Worm" in our archives. (Of course, this is only the knowledge that is publicly accessible.) 

We recommend you continue reading the Board to gain more knowledge gradually about how to protect yourself from the threat. A safety pamphlet will be available shortly if you ask for it.  

Woefully, 

Guesthouse

A:

Dear freshman,

Completely harmless, I assure you! They've been vilified beyond belief. Sure, a couple of freshmen go missing every year by their tunnels and sure, the few who have been found alive keep talking about "the giant worm...oh no...not the giant worms..." but everyone knows that correlation does not equal causation! I think the only way to be absolutely certain that they exist is to go out looking for them. Maybe...I don't know, maybe some freshmen can slather themselves in A1 steak sauce and wander through the tunnels beneath BYU? I'm sure you'll be absolutely safe. 

-guppy of doom

A:

Pod 153 to reader:

Report: Human records indicate that "tunnel worms" are large, carnivorous subterranean creatures that feed primarily on humans. Archival data suggests a preference for a particular type of human known as a "freshman." While a hive is initially localized to a small area, available data suggests that their reproductive cycle allows them to spread quickly with little warning.

Server record #44322 indicates that these creatures are highly resistant to capture and dangerous even when sedated. The preferred human response appears to be containment of the threat, typically by placating the creatures with offerings of a highly processed meat sandwich known as a "burger." 

Analysis: The efficacy of YoRHa weaponry against such creatures is unknown. Available data suggests that all attempts to subdue the creatures incur heavy casualties. The probability of successful combat engagement is unacceptably low.

Proposal: Reader "Scared Freshmen" should avoid contact with tunnel worms at all costs.

End report.

- Pod 153

A:

Dear Everyone,

As has been previously established, our beloved tunnel worms bear similarities to those found on the planet Arrakis in Dune.

Vienna and I watched Dune recently.

...

That is a weird movie.

-Frère Rubik, unnerved by David Lynch

A:

Dear Freshmeal,

.WMWF.txt

Not like this is an original response by any means, but I couldn't resist.

-Goldie Rose

A:

Dear Not Scared Enough,

They're coming. 

Sometimes it starts with reports of hearing slithering in the night. Then come the disappearances. Students enter into the bowels of the HFAC never to be seen again. Freshmen coming out of the testing center at closing time never make it back to their apartments.

Recent intelligence suggests the tunnel worms have found a way to make "tunnel portals"--methods instantaneous transportation to actual tunnels. Anyone hapless individual to step into one of these tunnel portals will suddenly find themselves in a tunnel, most likely with ravenous tunnel worms waiting nearby. As far as we can tell, these portals are only able to be set up in places lying in deep shadow.

Farewell, dear Freshie, and remember to be very, very scared of the shadows.

~Anathema