Do the chickens have large talons? -Napoleon Dynamite
Question #93099 posted on 06/04/2020 8:39 a.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Favorite/scariest/worst/funniest conspiracy theory about Covid-19?

-the vaccine will be a microchip, which is the mark of the beast


Dear oh please no,

Ah yes, the microchip vaccine. Either meant as a mark of the beast or a tracker for Bill Gates and/or the U.S. government.

I think my favorite is that everyone in the world is involved in this to hurt America's economy. Because you know, everyone just hates the U.S. and so they'll totally have thousands of actors pretend to be dead and hurt their own economies and lockdown their citizens because...the U.S. is just...too powerful...

Another "fun" one is that Dr. Fauci is the evil mastermind behind it all. Apparently he already has the vaccine and just wants all that sweet, sweet money from selling the vaccine to everyone. Though apparently he's waiting until a lot of people catch the disease and are already immune or dead and after the initial wave of panic and fear is finally subsiding. Because, you know, that's when most people are going to be fighting for the vaccine and giving Fauci all that cash.

-guppy of doom


Dear Chip,

My personal favorite (as in, the one I find the most ridiculous and hilarious), is the theory that Bill & Melinda Gates caused the virus. This is the ultimate crazy conspiracy theory. Why is that? I'm glad you asked.

Most conspiracy theories involve an entity or group of people using nefarious means for personal gain. These are usually connected to gaining money, political power, and fame. Conspiracy theories that fall into these categories include Bush causing 9-11 to get cheap oil, Vice President Johnson assassinating Kennedy to become president, or the US faking the moon landing to win the space race. These theories assume some evil self-serving motive.

The thing that makes the Gates conspiracy theory particularly crazy is that there is no logical reason why the Gates need money, political power or fame! They used to be the richest people in the world and despite giving away billions and billions of dollars will never run out of money. They are already more influential than many heads of state. They are beloved by many and don't need to brainwash people. If they wanted to control an election or influence people, they have the technology and brains to do it some other way. Simply put, the normal motives don't work here.

And because the normal motives aren't believable, the theories as to why they would cause the epidemic are absolutely bonkers. I haven't been following conspiracy theories too much, but some I've heard include them trying to lower the population of the world to prevent global warming, creating a pandemic so they can vaccinate more people to stop malaria, and wanting to mind control the entire world.

So so crazy. These are some of the craziest things I have ever heard. They make me sad that people actually believe them, but I can't just help laughing at their ridiculousness.




Dear MicroBeast,

I don't think *any* of the theories about the origins or solutions of the virus are funny, mostly because all of them imply some very nefarious things, and indicate that people care more about their personal vendettas than about knowledge. The fact that so many people genuinely believe the theories they've concocted is evidence to me of larger problems in America: willful ignorance when the facts don't corroborate what we think is true, distrust for those who have different beliefs than us, ethnocentrism and xenophobia, fear-driven false narratives, and self-centered egotism, to name a few. So much of what I've heard turns a *worldwide pandemic* into something specifically about the United States and Trump, which is the most stupidly self-absorbed American thing I can imagine. 

In any case, none of that is very funny to me, but that's probably because I have a bad sense of humor. I'm sure you've noticed that. So while I may not find enjoyment in these theories, here's a handful that I've heard/read from actual human beings that you may be entertained by: 

- Chinese government researchers created the virus as a bioweapon and it made it out of the research facility. The Chinese government has lots more bioweapons they are working on that are probably worse. (I mean, I seriously doubt it).

- China was conducting scientific experiments on their unwitting citizens in Wuhan and then it got out of control. Also, they're lying about the number of infections and deaths in their country. (I sort of believe the second half, their numbers seem totally cooked). 

- Chinese government officials intentionally released the virus knowing it would weaken the global economy so they can take over and start a World War and rise to some level of global dominating power. Or at least, take over America. (What????).

- Men in the deep-state contributed to the creation and release of the virus to weaken the American economy to the point that it can be manipulated effectively to meet their agenda, probably to eliminate small businesses and bring back an era of monopolization. (Yikes).

- The democrats are dramatizing the whole thing and lying about what people are dying from so they can use it to make Trump look bad so he doesn't win the re-election, so obviously we should vote Trump in for the re-election. (Again, where is this coming from? These people need to get their head out of the sand and realize America isn't the center of the Universe). 

- Trump engineered the virus with his Chinese "friends" because he wanted to weaken the rest of the world's economy and make America great because we're doing better than other countries in comparison, (Look, even if this turned out to be true it obviously backfired really badly).

- The democrats (who are all Millennials) contributed to the creation of the disease to kill off only the old people to hijack the next election, you know, because all Boomers are Trump supporters. (Are you kidding me?) 

- This really is the end of the world and Covid-19 deaths are a curse on the wicked who are supposed to be cleansed from the Earth before the coming of Christ and if you don't get it, it means you're chosen by God for exaltation in the next life. (I'm sorry, what kind of twisted Mormon prepper garbage is this?) 

I would like to reboot this version of reality, please. 




Dear you,

I hate the Bill Gates one. I especially hate that it's one that's believed by conservative-leaning people. Look guys: Bill Gates is possibly the best living example of "Have capitalism so people can work hard to make money and be successful. Then rich people will spend their money in ways that improve society." And yet apparently he cares enough to want me to be a sheeple.

~Anne, Certainly


Dear something my aunt has actually posted on Facebook, 

I think the craziest one I heard was some combination of most of the ones listed above, plus some idea that the Democrats + Hollywood elites + ...anyone else alt-right/alt-lite people see fit to throw in have all been part of a child sex trafficking ring (related to but not specifically Pizzagate from a few years ago). It seems not limited to just children or just sex trafficking but that's the main purpose, and all this goes down in secret tunnels and  underground bunkers all over the country. SO the reason we all had to be on lockdown was 1) so that mass arrests of national and local public figures involved with the trafficking could happen and society wouldn't collapse, and 2) so that Trump could have the military focus on getting all the children out of the tunnels. Also Trump knows about all of this because he is part of an ultra-secret military task force to stop chid trafficking, but the task force also has an informant that posts vague clues on 4chan for the public to piece together. Oh and you can't disagree with any of this or be against Trump because then you're against rescuing children. And of course things like the protests and riots are distractions from...something, I'm sure, that are funded by George Soros (and probably Gates and friends) to make Trump look incompetent. 

Sadly I think this view has gotten a little more mainstream with people being frustrated about Covid-19, so that's a little concerning. And like, I'm not saying powerful people in this country aren't using their power to do terrible things, but it's more than suspicious (to put it lightly) that one side is painted as an infallible savior while the other side is supposedly in literal cahoots with the devil, and any dissent to the whole thing can be countered with a "How dare you not think about these kids!"

-Auto Surf likes doing deep dives about strange topics