"God blesses those who take out his sweet spirits." - Just Another Cassio
Question #93159 posted on 06/08/2020 8:11 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Any fun, interesting, crazy, or favorite dating stories?

-Dater Dater Pumpkin Hater

A:

Dear Pumpkin Hater,

Have two that always make me laugh.

1) I once got asked on a date over email... I didn't talk to the guy in person until he picked me up. I knew him from school but he avoided me until we actually went on our date. Maybe it should have been a red flag? Anyway, it was pretty weird (because...he was weird). We went to one of the Art After Dark activities at the MOA. We mostly just sat and talked and ate free food. I don't even remember walking around any of the exhibits.

I entered a drawing when we showed up and got an email a month later from the MOA that I won a free poster from the store, and now I have a cute hanging map. So I guess I can't complain too much. 

2)  This time a dude that was on the diving team asked me on a date to one of those trampoline places (like Lowes Extreme Air Sports or wherever)... and then proceeded to show off all of his flips and tricks and pretty much didn't talk to me at all the whole time. 

I didn't talk to him after that. 

Cheers, 

Guesthouse

A:

Dear friend,

One time a guy made me order a peanut-butter bacon shake because "it's so good" (it was not), drove me to a park at like 10 PM, and said, "So... this is where all my friends go to make out."

Like 1) How would you even know that?, and 2) what about a disgusting peanut-butter bacon shake makes you think it would put me in the mood to make out?

-Van Goff

A:

Dear what did pumpkins do to you:

I think the bar around here for "crazy" has been significantly lowered since my day. Getting asked on a date ... over email?!

My very first boyfriend was this geeky but cute military brat in my freshman ward in Heritage back when Heritage wasn't fancy, RIP tuition. I had noticed him exactly zero times, being very caught up in obsessing over my high school crush and this trio of three guys (one was brunette and popular, one was a redhead and weird and liked me, one was blonde and in the closet and near-silent and I liked him, natch) who were in HIS ward in Helaman. 

I got a new roommate after Christmas, and she was pretty glamorous by any standard but especially for BYU. Her mom was a B-movie actress, she was 16 but looked 24, and would say rich L.A. sounding things like "ohmigawd she's only 98 cents cayute!" a reference to a woman weighing less than 100 pounds. On paper, it might seem like we were rather the odd couple, but I was fascinated by someone who was so much more worldly than me yet who was not book smart in the way I was (this was before I had any mental downturns, and I was on the Dean's List).

In between me editing her papers and her mom trying to log in to her Blackboard, she told me this dude wouldn't leave her alone on MSN messenger. I asked her why she didn't ignore him, and she said she would feel bad. Well, readers, like a Netflix teen comedy where everyone is a virgin instead of played by 27-year-olds, I became her Cyrano. This became a huge part of my routine, I'd be up till all hours chatting with this guy, all in her guise. 

He finally asked her on a real date, to Synthesis, the jazz band. The roommate had a brilliant, awful idea.

"You should go as me!"

Besides weighing roughly the same and both being white, no one, but no one, would have taken me for her. She was probably four or five inches taller than me, she was a serious candidate for a BYUTV anchor position, her body language was "daughter of an actress with an IMDB page" and mine was "girl next door crushing on a gay dude." 

My response: "Sure!"

She ratted my hair and put an unholy amount of bronzer. I wore a jean jacket and decided to commit to the bit.

And the dude? He showed up at the door and just ... went with it.

I went full method. Talked about my life in L.A. at the Creamery. When he started talking about snowboarding, I had to minimize my experience. We went to the jazz concert, and since it was April in Utah, it started snowing lightly on the way back. He put his arm around me (a first for me) and kissed me on the cheek (ditto). I went over to my neighbors and told them the whole story, and they thought it was quite a romp, but I cried myself to sleep.

The only guy who had ever expressed interest in me had done so in the guise of someone taller, cooler, and just so different from me.

I don't remember how long it took for him to tell me that he knew it was me, I was a well-known quantity in that ward and fairly popular myself. I was baffled why he went through with it. He claimed it would have been too awkward to call me out. 

We spent an entire summer getting to second base, and he was madly in love with me (the real me? or did he just transfer his affections to the next convenient object) and had a suicidal breakdown when I tried, repeatedly, to dump him when he got his mission call because I didn't want to "wait for my missionary." It was a very emo time, the mid-aughts. 

I think I carried around that chip on my shoulder for a long, long time. I have many more stories where that came from but never again did I quite as consciously pretend to be someone I wasn't.

---Portia