"My brother is too kind. He was eminent when my eminence was only imminent." -Niles Crane
Question #93317 posted on 11/15/2020 8:32 a.m.
Q:

Dear Ardilla Feroz,

What has been your experience with chocolate frogs, or dogs by logs? Are you over your pigeon phobia?

-Inquiring Mindless

A:

Dear Inquiring Mindless,

Good to hear from you! Please stop by again.
Regarding the dogs by logs, the whole matter would be solved if the lazy beasts would stop letting those quick brown foxes leap over them.

For the frogs, I had some really terrible allegedly prickly pear-filled chocolate one year ago and it was so bad, so very unpeared, so very unprickly, that its mere existence consumed me with rage, and the subsequent desire to make a representative and suitable chocolate with a real cactus juice filling. Naturally, I only got two or three steps along this drainpipe of confectionery genius before I got distracted by Harry Potter-esque dreams and realized the real chocolates I needed to be making were—obviously—chocolate frogs.

But they couldn't be normal chocolate frogs, no! I had a very clear vision of what I expected my frogs to be, so I bought some cocoa butter, powdered food coloring and set to work. If professional chocolatiers make their boring old chocolates in a couple minutes, surely I could whack out a few amphibious cocoabeasts in a couple hours, right?

Alas.

The frog she tells you not to worry about:

Strawberry-poison-frog-Ecology-95_3-RA-Saporito.jpg

 (Source)

You:

20200827_181406.jpg

#amphibiFAIL. So much for going swimmingly, and—even worse—they're solid milk chocolate! Gross.

As for the pigeons, I present to you the following relatable meme curated from the avian-controlled Internet:

bee9b9f5-e128-40fd-a5a6-67aab2ceeb69.jpg

Suerte, 

--Ardilla Feroz