"My brother is too kind. He was eminent when my eminence was only imminent." -Niles Crane
Question #93393 posted on 11/06/2020 6:59 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

So there's this girl in my Zoom only class. She's smart and pretty and I'd like to ask her out. But it's an online-only class and I haven't seen her on campus. Should I just send a date invite in a PM in class or is there a better less awkward way?

-Thoughts, suggestions, advice

A:

Dear leroy njenkinz,

I would like to observe that had I seen this question one year ago I would have found it nigh-incomprehensible, but the end of the year is nigh, and lo, I comprehend.

When sending your personal message, I'd just suggest being straightforward, respectful, and find some way to include owls.
Struggling to fledge out of your nest of writers block? Don't panic! I've dredged up a Real Life Example from my personal dating archives--updated slightly for the situation and times--you can feel quite free to copy and paste:

Hey _________!

It's _________, the guy with the [insert distinctive article of clothing]. I’ll be transparent with this: I basically don’t know you, but I’d enjoy going on a date with you sometime and getting to know you better. I’m aware [Zoom is an unusual avenue for this] so I get it and respect it if you’re like… “Meh, actually I’d prefer spending time teaching orphaned baby owls how to do backflips, or any forest creature at all really.” Shoot, who wouldn’t? But in the case your current parliament of owls done been educated and you do want do to something, could I have your number? I’d ask in person instead of over [ye olde Internet], but [well, 2020]. 

Screen Shot 2020-11-05 at 10.31.49 PM.png
(source: Megan Lorenz)

Also, speaking of birds... I present to you the Northern Saw-Whet Owl. Have a good evening.

[insert yo' name here]


But did it work, I hear you exclaim, not out of doubt but out of your birden of respect for this entree from the annals of literary Masterpiece BBQ Theatre,
did she actually respond?

OBVIOUSLY.

But will it work for me?

How could it NOT?!? I GOTS THEMS DIGITS AND SO WILL YOU

Great! So, uh, how did the date go? Y'know, just sussing out my roadmap to romantic bliss.

Personally, I've never been one to worry about the distinction of terms between the word-sounds of "bliss" and "oblivion," and really, is now the time? Romantic-one-of-that, certainly! If you remember it, you'll definitely remember it.

You, uh, need to talk about anything? You seem... unusually invested in the outcome of what I do, especially considering you're just speculating wildly as to what I might say if this were not a mostly-one-sided internet semi-forum.

That's for you to wonder, and me to find out!

Find out what happens... to me? Do you think something interesting might happen?

That's for me to wonder, and you to find out!

Yessiree, dating is unilaterally regarded as one of life's great joys, and there's certainly no way things could get suddenly, confusingly, bizarrely personal. This should be pleasant for everyone involved. Please--keep me posted, I'm trying to gather enough data for a statistically significant sample regarding emotionally eviscerating events subsequent to the savvy deployment of this e-pigeon of fate, your business is important to us! Piracy is not a victimless crime!

Suerte,

--Ardilla Feroz

P.S. You may think it fowl, but I have used pictures of this owl for specific romantic pursuit strategies about as often as I’d care to admit. Like, seven times at least. Totally owlsome.

P.P.S. The depicted owl, FYI, ain't no baby, but is in fact a fully-adult, fully-fledged apex predator. Show a little owl a little respect, yo.

A:

Dear you,

Alas, I have no experience on the intricacies of dating Zoom classmates, but I do agree sending a personal message to her seems like the best route here. If you were to find her contact info another way, that could come off as a bit creepy.

~Anathema