"Ignorance isn't only for deep things." -Dragon Lady
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

"Did BYU model its Honor Code after the 'Big Brother' organization in George Orwell's '1984'?"

- Questioning

A: Dear Questioning,

The book "1984" was really a protype for the take-over of BYU which occurred several years later. BYU improved on the model however, because calling the Honor Code office "The Ministry of Love" and the Universe the "Ministry of Truth" was a bit excessive. Ernest Wilkinson helped Orwell in the development of his anti-utopian novel and Big Brother Bishop Bateman has derived (borrowed) his utopian ideals from it. Make sure and don't oppose the Party!

-- John Adams
Question #32156 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I have friends who were born "male." They chose to live an alternate lifestyle and in every mental, attraction, and looking way are female. They want to visit me here in Provo. So do they stay with me in female housing or with my guy friends in male housing? (No money for a hotel.)

- Friend to the Confused

A: Dear Friend to the Confused,

According to the head of BYU-approved housing, there are clear policies in every housing contract regarding visitors. If you've somehow managed to remain ignorant of such rules, here are a few: Before guests can stay in housing, the landlord/owner must approve. Members of the opposite sex are welcome in apartments from 9AM to midnight (1:30 AM on Friday), and are never allowed back into the sleeping areas. No matter what these confused friends of yours think, they're still male. Therefore, as you are female (I am hoping) and live in BYU-approved female housing (again, just an assumption), you and your friends must abide by the "opposite-sex" rules of your contract. If a hotel is out of the question, then they can stay (with owner approval) in a male apartment. However, I don't think I'd wish those "guys" on anyone.

-- CAPCOM
Question #32154 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 hour board---

The new Quad looks great except that it will have about 1/3 of the original amount of grass. What happened to more grass space?

---Concerned

A: Dear Concerned,

According to the latest polls, more grass space is close to the bottom of BYU student concerns, just above BYUSA elections. Since the 1995 "Save the Grass" campaign was such a dismal failure, BYU landscaping was surprised to hear that anyone at all cared, seeing that thousands of dollars are spent every year to replace destroyed grass along sidewalks. Part of the problem is that the current sidewalk system was developed to accommodate only 15,000 but now there are over 40,000 at the Y as full/part-time students or employees. So the new Quad will have more walking space instead of grass space, with wider sidewalks. Also, the concrete checkerboard spot between the bookstore and library will be converted into a lovely brick patio, while the area between the bookstore and HFAC will be a luscious green lawn with oodles of grass space.

---Doug Kinney

PS: BYU Construction suggests that you retake Stats 221. Wider sidewalks and a glass atrium hardly constitute two-thirds of the Quad grass.

Editor's Note:
The area between the bookstore and the HFAC is not any more a luscious green lawn.
Question #32153 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Is it a new hour when the carillon starts playing 'come, come ye saints,' or does it start after the # of the hour is finished striking?

- Time Confused

A: Dear Time Confused,

It is in fact a new hour when you hear the famous pioneer hymn, and it is played before the bells ring the hour. On the half hour the bell tower rings once. For more information about the bell tower, call 378-4447.

-- Dove
Question #32152 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Hey, when all this construction is said and done... will the Brigham Young statue 'do the chicken' again?"

- missin' the chicken

A: Dear missin' the chicken,

A few of us remember the good ol' days when you could run across the quad by the library and watch the statue of Brother Brigham do the 'Funky Chicken.' (If you don't know what that is, ask some cheerleading friends) But times have changed, and Brigham dances no more. This well-loved tradition was lost in 1996 when the first bit of construction began south of the ASB. Brigham used to stand near the flag pole by a large fountain north of the quad. But in preparation for the new library, the fountain was removed and a new patio was built with benches and a brick plaza. Brigham was moved to his new spot, and according to BYU grounds, that is where he will stay.

There are two theories as to why Brigham no longer does the Funky Chicken. The first is that the angle is no longer right to see Brigham dancing along the background of the ASB's lights. The second and more likely theory is that Brigham is so fed up with construction and being moved around, he just doesn't feel like dancing.

--John Travolta
Question #32148 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I am a big fan of players #3 and #7 of the men's volleyball team. I hear they are seniors. Could you tell me their post-graduation plans? Also, what happened to the old #15?

- Big Fan

A: Dear Big Fan,

Join the other 13,972 unmarried girls at BYU. . . these guys are pretty popular around campus. All-American Ossie Antonetti (#3) will be attending BYU in the fall and graduate in December with a degree in Philosophy. He plans on returning to his native Puerto Rico and then going to Europe to play more volleyball. Steve Hinds (#7) is a Sociology major and also aims on continuing his volleyball career. He has been invited to try-out for the national VB team in May and possibly travel to Spain and then wants to play more overseas. Eric Carlsen (former #15) says just because he's not on the team anymore doesn't mean he's not as good-looking as the rest of them. Eric is an electrical engineering major planning to land a solid job, get married, and have five children. He says to give him a call at 370-2186.

-CAPCOM
Question #32145 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 hour board,

Why does BYU policy allow females employees rides home after dark--what about male employees?

---Afraid

A: Dear Afraid,

It is not a ride home program, but a safe walk program, offered by student life and having nothing at all to do with BYU policy. Call 378-2222 for an escort, and a BYU police officer will escort you to your car or to the edge of campus. This service is offered to anyone who is on BYU property, not just to employees, and is certainly NOT restricted to females, although the number of men who call for an escort is nil. And the reason for that is because 99% of BYU bachelors are hoping a crazed female will jump on them in the dark.

-- Adam Carolla

Editor's Note:
The safe walk program will take you past the edge of campus. Please call them! Too many students fail to take advantage of this program.
Question #32144 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I'm dreaming of going to the ASB from the Wilk in a straight line and not by way of the SWKT! Forget the new library, when can I walk across the QUAD?!

--Not a marathon walker

A: Dear Not a marathon walker,

Your dreams are not far from being realized. (well, at least the one about walking on campus) Although, seeing as how campus seems to be eternally under construction, (there must be some gospel application here) just when one project is finished, a new one will begin requiring all students to be air-lifted to their classes. But according to the construction plans the quad will be open for pedestrians around the beginning of May. Before this can happen, Pres. Bateman must approve Phase2 of the construction process. (Why you would approve Phase 1 to tear it up and not Phase 2 to build it back makes no sense, but you didn't ask that) Once approved, the checkerboard quad (west of the Wilk) will also be torn up and rebuilt. This area as well as the area south of the HFAC will be replaced by brick pavers similar to those south of the ASB. And all this will take about two months to finish. Just in time for you to go home for the summer!

--Mr. Tonka
Question #32142 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Does BYUSA spend tithing money on weekend retreats? If not--what is the ratio of money used for themselves and for service?

-- A Concerned Tithing Payer

A: Dear Concerned,

An important question deserves an important answer. I asked a very knowledgeable person, Karen Duffin, about it and here's what she said:

"BYUSA receives an allocation of money each year from the university, which is funded in part by the church. We spend the vast majority of our budget on our programs. This year, the officers worked at Thanksgiving Point to earn the money that will be spent on appreciation for the many hours they volunteer in service to the students. We only have two leadership retreats in an entire year on which only a small amount of money is spent - less than 10 percent of our budget by my calculations. These retreats are not fun weekend getaways - we spend the majority of the time sitting in training and other activities intended to help us better be able to serve. Part of our responsibility is to build a strong team of leaders and these retreats are intended to do just that."

I hope that answered your question!

-- Princess Orangena
Question #32140 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why is pepperoni pizza--the least interesting kind, in my opinion--eternally the most popular kind at BYU? I am failing to perceive its appeal to students, while other, cooler toppings are left alone. I also don't understand the bread stick craze.

- Backseat Pizza Driver

A: Dear Backseat Pizza Driver,

I for one am an advocate of the "cooler" toppings. While some like to stick to the popular pepperoni, I think that the other toppings may feel left out. However, there is something contained in the pepperoni that makes you crave it fortnightly. There is a conspiracy among pizza companies, known as the "Peppertaverate". This "Peppertaverate" consists of Little Ceasar, The Hut, Pipeline, and Domino's. They decided one year, long long ago, to put a special chemical called fernaxenicne in the pepperonis on pizza. Some may be immune to fernazenicne, but most are not. Hence the popularity of pepperoni pizza. The bread sticks on the other hand are so popular just for the simple reason that they are really good. So go ahead and be strong. Resist the "Peppertaverate's" plan to have everyone love pepperoni and go for the mushrooms, Canadian bacon, and onions. More power to you. Oh, and get the bread sticks while you're at it.

-- Black Olive Lover
Question #32121 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why do they require a score of more than 30 on the ACT for international students competing for the Hinckley scholarship? Although they might have the intellectual capacity, they simply don't yet have the speed reading skills, and have a limited time on the ACT. I can understand that they ask for a GPA of 3.9+ but to me the score of the ACT is not fair. Also, has any international student (not from Canada or England or any other English-native country) been awarded the Hinckley scholarship?

- Traumatized-disappointed-not-Hinckley-scholarship-holding international student.

A: Dear Traumatized-disappointed-not-Hinckley-scholarship-holding international student,

As of this year, there actually isn't a minimum ACT score requirement for the Hinckley scholarship. The Scholarship Office does take ACT scores into consideration, along with adjusted GPA's, curriculum, and years of seminary participation. They do believe, though, that English skills are important for a successful experience at this university, so those skills can't be entirely discounted. However, in light of the fact that the ACT does present extra difficulties for international students, it is possible to take the SAT in place of the ACT to overcome biases about American History, etc. Also, the Scholarship Office looks at English proficiency exams in order to determine how well each student could perform here at this University. There have been several international students who have received this scholarship, but there hasn't yet been a non-native English speaking Hinckley scholar. There have been finalists (who receive four year scholarships) from places such as Mexico and Central America.

If you have any other questions or concerns, the Scholarship Office would be happy to talk with you.

-- Moira
Question #32119 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Where did Puff Daddy get his name? Just seeing if Ghetto Superstar has any ties to the ghetto.

- Doubting Bystander

A: Dear Doubting Bystander,

How dare you question da street knowledge of Ghetto Superstar! Of course I has da ties to da ghetto. My homie Puff Daddy got his nickname while attending college at Howard (no, I didn't say Harvard, I said H-O-W-A-R-D) University. He was on da football team but he was kind of skinny and small compared to da others. He puffed out his chest to make his-self look mo' intimidating. Soon, people started calling him Puffy. Later he dropped out of da college and started his own company, Bad Boy Entertainment. He lost the 'Y' off of Puffy, and added Daddy, since he was da owner of Bad Boy. And dats how he became da famous Puff Daddy.

- da all knowing Ghetto Superstar
Question #32118 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I'm a Minnesotan, and will therefore attempt to stump my omniscient comedians. What are the largest lakes from Minnesota?

- Native Minnesotan

A: Dear Native Minnesotan,

I'm not a native Minnesotan, and yet you can't stump me! I love geography so I feel qualified to answer this question. Ya! You betcha!

The largest lake in Minnesota, first of all, is NOT Lake Superior, because it borders the lake ever so slightly. I'm assuming this is not a trick question. One might also say that the largest lake in Minnesota is Lake of the Woods. But since that lake covers a good portion of Canada as well, it is questionable whether it is the largest lake in the state.

I'm going by the map here. The largest lake In Minnesota is Red Lake, or if you want to divide them in two, Upper Red Lake and Lower Red Lake. The next four largest are Mille Lacs, Leech Lake, Lake Winnibigoshish, and Cass Lake. All four are located in the mid-upper part of the state.

-- Ghostwriter
Question #32117 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What can I do about people removing my ads on "The Ad Board"? It's happened 3 times now, all within 1 day! (I'm not a retailer!) All computer stuff.

- 3 x 5 Blues

A: Dear 3 x 5 Blues,

Why must you bother the mighty 100 Hour Board with such insignificant queries? Since the 100 Hour Board knows all, we know why you do this, but still gain satisfaction in answering such questions. Now, as for your problem with the "Ad Board"; the solution I see lies in hiring a "3 x 5 card-guard" in order to fend off those who would prefer you not post such atrocities. A "3 x 5 card-guard" can be purchased, as we all know, at any of the fine side-street vendors found in downtown Provo. If you are not fortunate enough to afford a "3 x 5 card-guard", you could simply tie a paint-bomb behind each of your cards. This will not only get you a one-way ticket straight into Police Beat, but will also permit you to identify your card thief, as he/she will be the only person on campus flaunting their new "designer" paint-bomb outfit. Good luck to you in your adventures!

-3 x 5 Collector
Question #32113 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 hour board,

Where do the ducks in the moat on campus go when it gets really cold out? Because I see them as soon as it warms up, but I can't find them when it's cold out!

---Duckie

A: Dear Duckie,

How did you ever get into college? We vacation in Palm Springs and the retirement colonies of Arizona during the winter. Everyone knows that.

---Huey, Dewey, and Louie
Question #32112 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What do U2 and the movie Sling Blade have in common?

- Billy Bob

A: Dear Billy Bob,

The score for the movie Sling Blade was composed by Daniel Lanois, who produced Achtung Baby and co-produced Unforgettable Fire and Joshua Tree.

-- Jonny P.
Question #32105 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What's with all the bitterness on your staff? Are you here to provide facts or opinions, information, or editorials?

-Friend to BYU

A: Dear Friend to BYU,

Bitterness? What on Earth leads you to sense bitterness amongst the staff? As is clear to the most casual observer, the 100 Hour Board cheerfully provides appropriate, factual replies to all submitted questions. Just because some of us don't have three dates every weekend, weren't our high school's Valedictorian, aren't able to maintain a fake "I-live-in-Provo-but-want-you-to-believe-I'm-from-Hawaii" tan, or don't know how to swing dance, doesn't mean any of us are bitter. . . Got it?

-CAPCOM & Ghetto Superstar
Question #32104 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Where can you spend "Y Bucks"?

- Y Buckaroo

A: Dear Y Buckaroo,

Y Bucks, of which most people haven't heard, can be spent in any Wilk location. If you are a lucky recipient of the afore mentioned Bucks, you may spend them at Cougar Creations, Campus Craft and Floral, Zuka Juice, and the Varsity Theatre. Y Bucks cannot be spent in the Cougareat or the Bookstore. So if you wanted to spend those Bucks on food, try a Zuka.

-- Princess Orangena
Question #32103 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 hour board,

Can we as students make a big "beef" about them using our social security numbers as ID #'s? I heard that we can request for them to issue an alternative number. With all the name security scams that go on, you'd think they wouldn't use that number anyway. What do you say?

---Dirk Anderson - xxx-xx-xxxx (SSN omitted)

A: Dear xxx-xx-xxxx,

Yes, you may make a big beef, but you're a little late. BYU has already realized the folly of doubling your SSN as a student ID#, and plans are already underway to change that. It will take a few years though, so if you're too paranoid to wait that long you may call 378-6561 to make an appointment with Wayne Childs, an associate registrar with the BYU Records department, to get it changed. I say do it, even though they make it to be such a pain in the butt. You never know what they're doing with your number, who they're selling it to, or what evil lurks around that dark corner. Better safe than sorry.

---Jerry Fletcher
Question #32102 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why the heck did they make the doors to the Eyring Science Center so hard to open?

- Wimp

A: Dear Wimp,

There are 2 reasons WHY:

First, studies show that only 5% of the students here at BYU get enough exercise. But those who are in good shape (a.k.a. Athletes) get in trouble with the Honor code office and get expelled. So the administration figured they could increase the overall health at BYU by making the doors to all the new buildings difficult to open. In the same stroke of genius, they cut the budget to the weight room, figuring it wasn't necessary with a door doubling as a bench press.

Second, there are new fire codes for the newer buildings, involving methods for smoke evacuation in case of a fire. The closer on each door is attached to a motor. If the fire alarm in the Eyring Science center goes off, (Do not set it off yourself just to test me) the motors engage opening up the doors, allowing air to come in and fuel the fire, oops, I mean ventilate the smoke. These same motors attached to the closers make it difficult for you, my wimpy friend, to open the doors.

-- Smokey the Bear
Question #32095 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I have been told often that BYU "has General Authorities on its board of trustees" implying that every decision by the administration is an inspired one. So if that's the case, why do we need a Student Advisory Council? And if God permits the administration to make mistakes and work some things out themselves, then why does the Student Advisory Council have so little power?

Or do you feel the SAC has as much influence as it needs?

- BJL

A: Dear BJL,

Yes, President Hinckley sits on the Board of Trustees of BYU. Nevertheless, he has nothing to do with the day to day business of this university. Undoubtedly the administration would like all students to believe that BYU administrators are infallible because then they would receive latitude to do a lot of stupid things. They are human of course, and sometimes don't even live up to that. The Student Advisory Council helps to remind the administrators that there are students on campus suffering through administrative folly. SAC becomes more "powerful" and its proposals more meaningful by the numbers of students who are aware of it and use it. Talk to your rep. today!

-- the Big Bad Wolf
Question #32094 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why is the flag outside the ASB always at half-mast?

- Francis Scott Key


Dear 100 Hour Board,

It seems that the flag at the ASB is situated at half-mast quite frequently; is there a place that tells why, if not why are we not informed in some way as to the reason of having our flag at half-mast?

- Perplexed

A: Dear Francis and Perplexed,

Last week the flag was at half-mast in respect for a student who passed away. Though I do not believe that the Daily Universe printed anything about his death, he was noted in the Daily Herald. If you would like to know more surrounding this incident, I suggest that you refer to that back-issue of the Daily Herald for information. For future reference, look in the lobby of the ASB: there is usually a sign up, posting the reason on days when the flag is at half-mast.
(And if there isn't, it usually means one of two things: Either President Bateman's lurking around on campus or pirates are upon us.)

-Betsy Ross

PS- Recently it was for the death of a Supreme Court Justice.
A: Dear Perplexed,

The flag often is at half-mast in honor of a student or faculty member. At other times it can be for a government official or someone of importance to our country. If you see the flag at half-mast, you can go into the ASB and diagonal from the information desk is a black stand with a posting of who the flag is flying for. If you want information on that person, the nice lady at the desk can tell you.
Question #32093 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

When will the sliding doors at the south exit of the ELWC get fixed?

-Cougareat Employee

A: Dear Cougareat Employee,

The sliding doors will be fixed soon. VERY soon. The sliding doors are being replaced because they have become worn out over the years. The replacement process has taken so long because BYU had to get bids from various contractors, until they found the best one. The chosen contractor then had to order certain parts, which have not come it yet. The doors were to have been fixed by March 1, so hopefully they will be worked on right away!

-Ghetto Superstar
Question #32092 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

During the recent BYUSA presidential campaign, I was especially intrigued by the logo used by Wells and Fowler. Everywhere on campus I saw their yellow mountain logo. What exactly was the significance of the mountain's yellow color and what were they implying by this color?

-Curious Voter

A: Dear Curious Voter,

The yellow mountain was chosen by Wells and Fowler for many reasons. First, it wasn't the color of the mountain that was so important, but what the mountain represents. Their campaign focus was "Reaching our Potential Together," The Y and You. The mountain with the Y on it represented BYU, as well as our potential as individuals. There is nothing higher to reach on a mountain than it's peak, and it has a sturdy foundation. It's strong. It was their hope that they could not only help BYU reach it's peak as a University, but they also hoped to help all individuals recognize their potential, and provide programs for them.

They represented this idea by a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball, "If there's a mountain I need to climb, give me that mountain and I'll make it mine." The yellow mountain really represented their passion for BYU, and what this University is all about.

The color? Hey, it's yellow, it's happy, and it stands out!!!!!

-Ghetto Superstar
Question #32091 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why are beards forbidden at BYU but mustaches are permitted?

- clueless

A: Dear Clueless,

I have now been asked a similar question for the 5th time in about as many weeks. I am sick of trying to defend the BYU dress code, because frankly I don't like all of it myself. I see no problem with any facial hair (although most girls don't like it) and so I recommend that you go read the BYU pronouncements yourself and only give us real questions to answer.

-- the Big Bad Wolf
Question #32090 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Of all the recent changes the Varsity Theater has endured, why oh why did they take away the cartoon before the movie starts? You know, the one with the janitor, the crying babies, and the closet full of litter. Why remove this cheesy tradition? We all memorized it, we all loved it!"

- tevia

A: Dear Tevia,

One reason that this cartoon was taken off the Varsity schedule is that there was a anti-animation group on campus, the Society for the Active Prevention of Silliness, or "SAPS" (who also deal with excess frills and decorations during dances) who decided the janitor portrayed in the film was not a positive image of real janitors. They also felt that the babies were a mockery of the many kids present on this campus. They lobbied, the administration heard, and the cartoon was canceled. If you have any other questions about the Varsity Theater or things shown there, call Karen Nelson at 378-3245.

-- Princess Orangena
Question #32066 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Who plays the Bell Tower? I has long been a dream of my roommate to play it, and I'd like to arrange for her to do so on her birthday. Who do I contact? Thanks!

Rebecca Neyenhuis

A: Dear Rebecca,

The Bell Tower is played by trained Bell Tower Players. Allegedly someone who wishes to recieve training and join their ranks, should contact Don Cook at 378-3260. Unfortunately, he's out of town until March 17, and so, wasn't available for comment.
A: Dear Kind Roommate,

The Bell Tower is played by our own Phantom of BYU. He was a poor young man, abandoned by his parents at a young age, and found by a music proffessor here during the 1920's. The proffessor found that he was a genius at music, and tought him to play the bells. He has been playing them ever since. He is very selective on who he allows to go up there, but if you are willing to pay a very high price, call 378-4447. Good luck for you and your roommate!

-Dove
Question #32065 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Where is my green Jansport backpack? I left it in the testing center February 27th right at closing time. By Monday opening it was gone. Lost and Found does not have it.

- Traveling Lighter

A: Dear Traveling Lighter,

Your backpack is located underneath The Austin's sidewalk slab across the street from the Little China Café. Don't try to retrieve it, though. The Austin has been uncontested-ly hiding lost luggage under there since 1985 for a reason. I'd recommend checking the Lost and Found again. The word on the street is that they've got one green Jansport backpack there right now!

-- some other Austin
Question #32064 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why is the library so hot?

- sweaty and stinky

A: Dear sweaty and stinky,

You can blame this on the construction. It's all their fault. They're out there sweaty and stinky, and they feel a whole lot more comfortable if you're the same way. So they somehow make these spring days warmer than normal, and you have to suffer in the library. Apparently, the library at this time of year is not heated. But it's not cooled either. Because of the cold nights, they can't turn on the chilled water coils in the day because they would freeze and break at night. Therefore, until the summer begins and the nights are warm enough so the water coils aren't in danger, you'll remain sweaty and stinky. Until then try a little deodorant and a few more showers.

-- Proctor & Gamble
Question #32063 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why don't they repair the treadmill (the only one), bicycles, and step machines (among the other weight lifting machines) in the gym for us normal people? Every time I walk by the athletes' gym, it is empty, while I have to wait in line for half an hour to get one of the two bikes that do work. Don't you think it's unfair that 20,000+ students have to share a tiny gym while a few elite athletes have brand new machines and plenty of them, too? Where can I go to complain and maybe get permission to go to the athletes' gym?

- Wanna Workout

A: Dear Wanna Workout,

According to SFH and RB authorities, it's not a matter of if the workout equipment will be repaired, but a matter of when. Apparently, maintenance fixes the bikes, treadmills, etc. within "a matter of days, weeks, or even longer. It really just depends on the machine." Therefore, the specific day that workout equipment will be ready for use is unknown. No, it is not unfair that athletes have new and working equipment; the issue is that the remainder of BYU students should have access to such machines, also. If you're looking to submit complaints, contact Maintenance for the SFH (8-2877) or the RB (8-3931), or the weight room supervisor at 8-8140. To try and gain access to the athletes' weight room equipment, you need to go there directly and talk to people working at the front desk. However, there's really no possibility of one nonathlete being allowed to workout there. Therefore, I recommend enjoying the broken-down machines you do have access to, or enrolling at Gold's Gym.

-- CAPCOM
Question #32062 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Was the man in the 80's group "Men Without Hats" really a member of Devo? I heard he was.

-Barb Thomas

A: Dear Barb,

No, although this is understandably confusing as both bands were founded by three brothers. The complete lists of all members ever are as follows:
Devo: Mark, Bob, & Jim Mothersbaugh, Jerry & Bob Casale, Alan Myers, Dave Kendrick, Josh Freese.
Men Without Hats: Ivan, Colin, & Stefan Doroschuk, Hugo Bugg, Jeremie Arrobas, Linda Benoy, Bill Pasch, and Colin's daughter Sahara.

-Shadow Stevens
Question #32061 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why are there never any postcards in either the 100 Hour Board slot or = the Ad Board? All I could find was this stupid label.

- Sergeant Postcard, of the Postcard Police

A: Dear Sergeant Postcard,

It has been brought to my attention that the postcards for the 100 Hour Board, and the Ad Board have been kidnapped. We at the 100 Hour Board are very concerned as a result of this development. There are two reasons for our concern: 1) postcards are fundamental to our existence. Without them, we, the 100 Hour Board, could no longer communicate with the outside world. How else are we expected to replenish our Trivial Pursuit--Omnipotent Edition question-pool stock? You may very-well be the last civilian with which we make contact! Good Gracious! Can you imagine?! What am I going to tell Robin Hood, and Kat? They'll be crushed...sickened...mortified. This can't be. Alas, we are doomed. What shall we do???? Sergeant Postcard!!! Sergeant Postcard!!! If you're out there, and you can still hear me--oh, please, please let him hear me--then I have but one thing to ask of you...Buy more postcards. You're our only hope. The existence of all mankind might just depend on you...Then again, maybe it won't. Don't get cocky. We'll make sure to keep the postcard supplies stocked. We'll dip into our year-supply if we have to.

-- Postcard Pete
Question #32060 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Who is SAC man? What is he supposed to do?

- Secret Admirer

A: Dear Secret Admirer,

SAC man (SAC is the acronym for Student Advisory Council) claims himself to be the "defender of the student voice." His job is to promote what SAC is all about. Perhaps you have seen him dressed like a superhero at sporting events, handing out candy by the library, or doing other such noble student-voice promoting activities. This is an exciting semester for BYU because the old SAC man has retired and passed his superman nylons to another. Keep your eyes peeled, and you'll maybe have the chance to talk with SAC man yourself.

-- CAPCOM
Question #32059 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Could you please send me the words to BYU school song. Thank you.

Curious Cougar

A: Dear Curious Cougar,

There are many songs for BYU other than the fight song. In order to find them, go to the library and search under these titles: "The Cougar Song of Brigham Young University", "Sing Songs of BYU, Yells and Songs of Brigham Young University", and "Old BYU traditions and accompanying songs". All items are located in Special Collections and Manuscripts, 4040 HBLL. You can also get a copy of the words to BYU Alma Mater in the Band Office in the HFAC. Good luck! -Dove

another answer


The words to the Cougar Fight Song are as follows: (If you were referring to BYU's 'Alma Mater' it's SOOOOOO boring and tuneless that nobody knows or cares what the words are unless you're at a freshman orientation devotional) THE COUGAR FIGHT SONG

Words and Music by Clyde D. Sandgren

Rise, all loyal Cougars
And hurl your challenge to the foe.
We will fight, day or night,
Rain or snow.
Stalwart men and true,
Wear the White and Blue.
As we sing, get set to spring.
Come on Cougars, it's up to you!


(STAND)
So Rise and Shout, the Cougars are out
We're on a trail to fame and glory.
Rise and shout, our cheers will ring out
As we unfold our vict'ry story.
On we go to vanquish the foe
For Alma Mater's sons and daughters.
As we join in song,
In praise of you, our faith is strong.
We'll raise our colors high in the blue
And cheer our Cougars of BYU.
(Ra Ra RaRaRa Ra Ra RaRaRa Ra Ra RaRaRa GOOOOOOO COUGARS!)

-Kat
Question #32058 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

If the 'world is our campus' how is it that we have off-campus housing?

- The Upright Man

A: Dear Uptight, oops, I mean Upright Man,

If you haven't noticed, most BYU off campus housing consists of very peculiar places that could be considered 'out of this world'. From outrageously expensive, high class, I have my own walk-in closet and jacuzzi-in-my-bathroom type of condos that we could consider heaven, to the hole in the wall, there-are-rats-sleeping-in-my-bed-and-an-army-of-mildew-growing-in-my-sink type of apartments that we could consider uh, outer darkness, BYU off campus housing is definitely not of this world, and is therefore off-campus.

-- Ghetto Superstar
Question #32057 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

ujikl;

-ghjk

A: Dear ghjk,

GIGO

-Kat
Question #32003 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How many pianos does BYU own?

-Music Lover

A: Dear Music Lover,

According to the Inventory Department, BYU owns 400 pianos (give or take a few) including upright, grand, and baby grand.

-- Ghetto Superstar
Question #32002 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How come Provo doesn't have a decent Vietnamese restaurant?

- pho-less

A: Dear Pho-Less,

Let me say that I'm sorry you're missing your pho. I know it's a crime to be pho-less. Now, your question as to why there's not a decent Vietnamese restaurant in town....There's a law in Provo that prohibits more than two really, really good ethnic restaurants in town. Once there are two that someone in the Provo Powers That Be considers "decent" restaurants, that's the limit. Unfortunately, there is no one in the Powers That Be that has had a desire for a Vietnamese restaurant to be established in our fine town. So, I would consider writing a strongly worded letter to your district's Powers That Be rep. and requesting a decent Vietnamese restaurant become a reality.

-- Princess Orangena
Question #32001 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why is it that the "Y" spent a gazillion dollars on remodeling the ELWC and the food court is still so pathetically small that I have to wait 20 minutes for a taco?

---On the go

A: Dear On the go,

BYU did not give the food court a facelift so that you could save time getting a taco. It did the remodeling to give the Cougar eat a 90's look rather than a 60's look (perfect, since we only have 10 months left in the 90's). The second reason for the remodeling was to squish in even more students (keep in mind that unlike normal universities, BYU does not like being exclusive and turning away prospective students).

The fact that it takes you so long to purchase pseudo-Mexican cuisine is entirely due to the immense popularity of Taco Bell's low price menu. If they would raise their prices, the demand would drop and you'd be writing us 'hey, how come TB raised their price of a taco from 59 cents to 99 cents?' instead of thanking them for making the line shorter. In economic terms, the limited output of TB's food is being allocated not by who can afford to pay, but by who can afford to wait. (The same reasoning can be used to explain why people camp out for concert, movie, or football tickets). We suggest that you try a more expensive and less life-threatening lunch. You'll find short lines at Chopstix & Homestyle Cooking. If you insist on Taco Bell, arrive ten minute before the hour, as opposed to ten minutes after.

---J. Kearl
Question #31998 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why isn't there a basic shuttle service from the stadium parking lot that circles the campus and goes back?

- Why is every college in Utah built on a hill

A: ADear WIECIUBOAH,

According to the traffic office, a committee (made of BYU officials and community members) recently discussed the possibility of providing a shuttle service to and around campus. However, they decided that such a service was unnecessary, because studies show that many parking lots that are within a five minute walk to campus remain surprisingly empty, even during 'busy' hours of the day. At first I found this statistic shocking, because every parking lot I have ever tried to park in is so full that I have to leave at 7:30 am so I can find a parking space in time for my 10:00 class. But if you think about it, the committee stated that most parking lots within a "five-minute walk" to campus, remain empty. The parking lot you are referring to is the stadium one, which, although light-years away from the Marb and JSB, is technically ON CAMPUS. So these supposedly empty parking lots are even farther away than that, making me believe that this committee would consider Salt Lake a "five minute walk" to campus. As for the hills, I would suggest buying a stair master and working out at home. Maybe then the stairs by the Kimball Tower won't seem like such a big deal.

-- Ghetto Superstar
Question #31996 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

If Hilary Clinton is from Arkansas, how can she run for the New York Senate?

- American Heritage Flunkie

A: Dear American Heritage Flunkie,

We are talking about someone who as pretty much gotten her way all the time, along with her hubbie Bill, by lying, cheating, stealing, and (shall I dare say?) killing (I'm refering to Vince Foster). We are also talking about someone who brazenly sought to alter an industry that makes up one seventh of our economy (the medical industry) although she was not elected to any position of office.

We are also talking about a lady who has been cheated on numerous times and is probably seeking a way out of her marriage. Why do I say this? Because to run for the New York Senate, you need to be a resident of New York for only 1 month. There's your answer. After all the things that she has done and wanted to do, I'm sure Hillary believes that nothing is impossible, even if it requires looking like a complete fool.

-- Ghostwriter
Question #31995 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why was over $40,000 spent and many projects placed on hold, in order to refinish the president's private dining room when this room had just been completed as a part of the renovations to the WSC?

- Widows Accountant

A: Dear Windows Accountant,

In a construction snafu, the President's Room was mistakenly decorated as the set for the "Barney and Friends" tv show. Sister Bateman didn't approve of the decor and ordered it changed. President Bateman may wear the pants in the family, but Sister Bateman tells him what color!

Your numbers are inaccurate according to our sources. $60,000 was actually spent to renovate the newly renovated room. In an unrelated event, we ask that you increase your donation to the "Lighting the Y" foundation. Give 'til it hurts!

-- A fly on the wall
Question #31994 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How does the Daily Universe decide which opinions to print?

- really bad-writing-materialistic-honorcode-fakebake-looney

A: Dear Opinionated,

The Unifarse says that it has something to do with the opinion writing class, and that every week each student will turn one in, and then some guy named Scott reads through them and decides which one he likes best. Only Scott has a secret: he doesn't know how to read. If you are intrested in getting Scott to put your opinion in the paper, it might as well be in cuniform about the Nazi agents who steal toilet paper in DT. It always helps to put it on pretty red paper (with green flowers) with a candy attached to get Scott's attention. Thus it is not surprising that all of the editorials are a little on the stupid side too.

-- the avenging angel
Question #31992 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What's the real reason Eric Snider quit writing his column?

- concerned reader

A: Dear Concerned Reader,

We all must move on, and graduate, at least that's what the administration is telling us. And sometimes the administration tells us more than we want to know, like how to write our columns because they offend people who are affronted by anything and everything anyway. (I've just offended someone.)

Just remember BYU is not a free-market microcosm we don't have a "free press." As a journalist, writer, or any kind of thinking person, you can only deal with so much. But don't worry, concerned reader: rumor has it that Eric's brother Jeff will start a column "Snider Remarks." If its not in the Universe, look for it where real journalism is: The Cougar Pulp.

-Barbara Walters

Editor's Note:
The answer mentions the BYU administration, but does not give all the details. Eric had written an article that The Daily Universe had refused to print and he voluntarily stopped writing the column.

Editor's Lament:
Why must so much talent be lost at BYU because of petty arguments with the administration, fellow students, or anything at all? Is not this an entire nation with free speech? Why must we go about attacking each other when what we need is less contention and more unity!
Question #31990 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Where is the biggest ball of twine in the world? I've always thought about visiting it.

- Bored

A: Dear Bored,

The world's largest ball of twine currently resides in a Hollywood back lot warehouse commonly referred to as "back lot warehouse 51." After its network debut in WeePee's House of Play in 1986, it was banished along with all other props and characters (most specifically Stoolie, Roofy, Worldy, Timey, Wandy, Bambi who allowed Weepee one shot at him per day, Pterra the mudlizard, Evita who delivered the furniture, the termite mound, Wizardly EtchNSketch, Armandhammer absorbing odors in the fridge, Honky who divulged the secret tone of voice of the day, Mrs. Binoculars who announced when the cops were coming, the human band, the melancholic eulogy-delivering hamsters, Ugly Mr. Yvonnicci, Redneck Raymond, the Queen of Claymation, Mr. Kite-stuck-in-a-tree, Richard Simmons, and old Captain Carl who did later cameo in the suspiciously similar "PeeWee" show premiering the following year) to its current location. For more information on location and/or directions to the elusive back lot warehouse 51, write to Fabrice Morvan and Rob Pilatus, Corey Haim, or any former member of the Oneders. If that doesn't pan out, visit "metalab.unc.edu/lou/ball/othersites/."

-- WeePee
Question #31989 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What is the deal with the tall tables in the new wilk lounge? Does someone think that we are all nine feet tall or something.

- Angry Short Person

A: Dear Angry Short Person,

According to the Wilk Facilities Management Office, the new tall tables were not put in to discriminate against short people, but to convienience "people on the go" who like to eat on the run. The tall table idea is modeled after mall food courts who have recently opted for this method of dining. The tall tables were put in the Wilk Lounge so that busy students wouldn't have to sit down and eat, but could save time by remaining standing while eating instead. Never mind that eating standing up is extremely uncomfortable. It is believed that most students would rather save the 2 seconds it takes to sit down than be relaxed during lunch. If you still feel you are too short for these tables, even while standing, I suggest you bring a phone book or stool to stand on. If you forget to bring these, textbooks could also work. I especially recommend Physical Science 100 or Biology.

-- Ghetto Superstar
Question #31624 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why aren't there any fraternities or sororities at BYU?

- Frat-hungry

A: Dear Frat-hungry,

The actual Greek fraternities and sororities were removed from campus during the ?60's. And a little more than 10 years ago, fraternities and sororities were basically removed from campus because of challenges with negative behaviors of social clubs and the way they handled hazing. Hazing, basically meaning some sort of initiation to a certain group, is usually associated with some sort of abuse such as shaving freshmen's heads, or variations of other such friendly gestures that I won't get into at this time. The policy became such that there could be social clubs as long as they got rid of hazing, they couldn't have Greek names, and no longer had exclusive membership. All but one club went off campus, rather than abide by the new policy. A while later, some clubs tried to be on campus again, but didn't follow the newly imposed rule that there could be no more than a $30 fee per semester. So off they went. A few social clubs (connected to departments) such as honors society groups still exist at BYU, and there is not an official policy that dispels social clubs from campus as long as they follow the policies given them.

-- Moira
Question #31622 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

The other day I bought a used bowling pin from the game center. I noticed that on the bottom of each pin there was a small hole drilled in the center. Why?

- President of the Beer-drinkers Club

A: Dear Mr. President,

The hole in the bottom of bowling pins is there for use on a lathe during the manufacturing process. Though thought by some, and obviously yourself, it is not used for consumption of beer or storage of weed.

-Rob Schneider
Question #31621 posted on 09/15/1999 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Why are there so many femme guys at BYU?

-the Man

A: Dear "Man",

Believe me! I've asked the same question myself many times: like the time when for the seventh time on the second date a guy came out of the closet on me right after we started to D.T.R. I said to myself, why do I know all the femme guys?

It's not that there are so many femme guys at BYU, its that there are so many femme guys in the HFAC. Now I study in the Tanner building library. I now know better than to dream about men on the ballroom dance team. But maybe I'm all wrong. After pondering your question, I concluded that often, guys with good character are mistaken for being femme, when they are really just feeling the spirit: those who yield to the spirit "becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, [and] willing to submit to all things" (Mosiah 3:19). So maybe being "femme" is actually better than being Macho: what do you think about that - Man?

-K D Lang