A: Dear Maniac,
Here are two recipes for you to try-the first, a quick-and-easy recipe from the cookbook of Ohio Senator George Voinovich:

1 package German chocolate cake mix
2 cups prepared apple pie filling (1 can)
3 eggs

Blend all and beat as per package directions. Pour into greased and floured 13 x 9-inch pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 to 50 minutes (until top springs back.) Cool. Top with whipped cream and sprinkle with cinnamon.

And, just in case the Senator is better at legislating than baking, here's another one:

4 generous cups peeled and cubed apples (McIntosh, Jonathan -- any good baking apple)

3 beaten eggs
1 t. vanilla
1 c. white sugar
3/4 c. brown sugar, packed
1/2 c. oil
2 c. flour
1 t. salt
2 t. baking soda
1 t. cinnamon
Nuts, if desired

Beat together eggs, vanilla, sugars and oil. In separte bowl stir together flour, salt, soda and cinnamon. Add flour mixture to egg mixture. It will be very thick!
Stir in apples (and nuts, if desired).

Bake in a Bundt pan for 1 hour at 325. (Can also be made in a 13" x 9" -- but it doesn't seem as moist to me.) This cake has a pudding-like texture and can't be beat with vanilla ice cream and carmel sauce.

-She Who Must Not Be Named

A: Dear Played and Played hard,
Try Weird Al's "Since You've been Gone" and "I'm so sick of you," both found on the "Bad Hair Day" Album. These songs don't specifically target women as a group, but they may provide a little bit of what you're looking for.
-Othello

A: Dear Played and Played Hard,
My personal favorite is "Love Stinks" by the J. Giles Band. And yes, love does indeed stink.
-Benedick

A: Dear played,
That has got to be the lamest pseudonym I've ever read. No WONDER girls write songs about guys being stupid-it's people like you who keep up the stereotype. But I'll still answer your question: maybe there aren't any songs out there that talk about women ticking men off. I mean, since when have they ever done that?
-CAPCOM

A: Dear Recovering from Emotional Bruises,
How about that one "Never make a Pretty Woman your Wife"-that's always a good one. But you know what you need? Go to this website (make sure you have sound available when you do this, otherwise it just won't be good) because it will make you happy: http://www.homestarrunner.com/toons.html and then click on the link on the right-hand menu that says "Strong Bad Sings." Also, try this link (part of the same site) that is pretty good: http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail5.html. (Okay, just so you understand what's going on, the King of Town is this guy that eats a lot). In fact anytime you get feeling down, go to http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html and have a few good laughs. Good luck, Ace, we've all been there before.
~Les Frogs

A: Dear Saddened,
There are two reasons for a possible delay: 1) We didn't receive your question-try sending it again; and 2) We are busy people who sometimes get a little behind. We apologize if it's our fault and assure you that an answer will appear shortly.
-The Board

A: Dear IC,
Patience, patience, my dear bovine friend.
http://www.lethsd.ab.ca/mmh/games/spanit.htm has both the game and the answers for you!
-Caspian

A: Dear Sumbudy,
VO2 max tests (a test to determine your maximal oxygen consumption rate during moments of intense exercise), are generally fairly expensive. If you are a girl, you can just get the ad out of the Daily Universe, they will do it for you I believe; however, otherwise you might have to spend the big bucks (we're talking hundreds here). However, there is a website that will estimate it for you-you just need a stopwatch and a track for which you know the length. Go to: http://www.rajeun.net/vo2max.html and they will help you. Good luck, and remember, breathe...if you don't, you'll die.
~Les Frogs, Medecins Sportifs

A: Dear totally confused buffs,
I apologize for the delay in answering your question. I would like to say that it was because you provided us with an incorrect movie title, but alas, nothing but my own inherent laziness would really stop me from answering a question on time. The movie you refer to is actually called "I love you, I love not." Actually, I did see this movie years ago, and I think I remember being as confused as you two profess to be. In my opinion, it confuses depth with murkiness. Maybe the writer knew what the meaning was, or what he thought it was, but the rest of us are left drowning in the morass. If you must have meaning, I suggest you make it up yourself. I'm sure it will be much better, and more amusing, than the real answer.
-Bob the Tomato

A: Dear Two totally confused movie buffs,
The movie has no meaning, your question has no meaning, life has no meaning.
-The captain

A: Dear Commi,
I teach English at a Utah County high school, and my wife doesn't work. This means that I have some insight in answering your question, but it also means that I know that your question is a very complicated one, and your experience will depend on many factors.

First, you need to consider where in California you will be teaching? Your lifestyle will depend a great deal on where you live. Will you be teaching in a major metropolitan area? Will you be in a smaller suburban area? Will you be in a rural area? The biggest difference about location will be the cost of living, but it will also determine how large or small your school will be, what kind of student population you'll serve, and what you're facilities will be like. Since you're planning on teaching math, you should be able to find a job wherever you'd like to live. According to calteach.com, an excellent internet resource for anyone planning on teaching in California (I suggest you check it out), secondary math teachers are in need throughout the state, so you have more choice in where to live than other teacher candidates might. As you consider where you'd like to live, keep in mind that your classroom will reflect the community. Do you want to teach a diverse population? Do you want to be in the inner city? Do you want suburban students? Inner city schools are often the most in need of good teachers, but it's also very hard to attract teachers to these kinds of areas.

After you know where you will be teaching, find out your starting salary, and consider cost of living. The simple truth is that teachers don't make a lot of money, but they can make enough money to survive (depending on where you live). According to calteach.com, the average starting salary in California is $33,121, though there is legislation currently under consideration to set a minimum beginning salary of $34,000. That's nearly $10,000 more than starting salary in Utah, but you have to consider the cost of living, which in general is much higher in California than in Utah. Salaries are set by local school districts, so you'll have to investigate and find out what you'll make in a given district, then compare that to the cost of living. There are several cost of living calculators available on the web. Here's one that's free and gives you a pretty accurate picture of cost of living in specific cities across the country: http://www.bestplaces.net/html/cost_of_living.html

Also consider what kind of benefits your school district offers beyond salary.

I pay no premiums on my health insurance, and I receive excellent coverage. This saves a tremendous amount of money. Though my salary is extremely low, this benefit is something to consider in the overall financial picture. For example, my daughter had surgery last year. Over the duration of her illness she had many expensive lab tests and spent several nights in a hospital. If we had to pay for the surgery, tests, doctor visits, hospital stays, etc., out of pocket, it would have cost us nearly $10,000. With our health insurance, we paid $100. This kind of benefit isn't something that people normally consider in choosing a career, but it should definitely be a consideration.

There are some general expectations you should be aware of.
In offering general expectations, you need to know that these come from my experience, which may or may not be similar to your experience. Teaching is a very personal art; and, the community you teach in, the classes you teach, the subject area you teach, your administration, the colleagues you teach with, etc., can all affect your experience. Still, I think there are some things you will find in common.

If you want to teach well, you will work long hours.
As a new teacher, especially, teaching well will require spending lots of hours planning curriculum, grading papers, preparing units, etc. If you don't care how well you teach the workload is much less.

Your world will become enormous, while your wife's will shrink. Be sure to include her in your school life.
One of the greatest rewards of teaching is getting to know wonderful people. I really enjoy spending time with my colleagues and students. I teach over 200 students and work with about 70 other teachers, and they are each important to me. While my wife has made many new friends, she certainly doesn't interact with that many people weekly. It's been really important for me to share my new world with her. We go to school events together and she gets to know the people that I've told her about.

Teaching high school requires liking adolescents.
Don't teach because you love math. Teach because you love kids. You'll have students (lots of them) who hate math. Don't hold that against them. Instead, find ways to reach them and affect them and make them better people. They'll love you for it (even if they never do understand when to use the quadratic equation).

I hope I've given you some insight. In short, your experience will be rewarding, even if there's little food on the shelves. It's possible to live the life of a teacher and have a spouse at home, but it requires sacrifice. If you're willing to make the sacrifice, God bless you.

Seriously,
MrPhil

A: Dear Major Switcher,
Proportionally, you are wrong about the most switched from major. The most switched from major is Industrial Design, with a 100% switchover rate. This is because the major was closed, so the switchover rate should decrease in the future, once no one is left in it to switch over to another major. The most switched to major is comparative literature, with marriage, family, and human development close behind.
-Der Berliner

A: Dear That One Guy,
There is no knob or handle because They don't want you leaving the library from an unmonitored exit. As mentioned in the previous answer we gave you, the library's exits are tightly controlled in order to protect the valuable books and materials it holds.
-She Who Must Not Be Named

A: Dear Midnight Wanderer,
The scuttlebut around campus is that there was an unholy alliance between the Organic Chemistry Department and a mad microbiology professor. They combined on a classified project to inject highly efficient plant DNA into humans. The chlorophyll-altering process is said to have been conducted in that room, and the green light is from some sort of sophisticated process like on Star Trek. If you listen closely, you may be able to here strange noises coming from that room, although make sure it isn't the freshman playing night games around campus. They're usually responsible for the majority of the strange noises.
-Benvolio

A: Dear Sick of Waiting and Getting Wet,
I was finally able to make contact with the water warriors of the Cougareat. The final word is this: no new water dispensers.

Apparently, we can't afford to purchase new ones. Maintenance does, however, periodically fix the heads. The next repair is pending new parts. The water dispensers need to be repaired every few months or so.

I say we take this to BYUSA. I would bet that most of the student population at BYU agrees with you on the waiting and the wetting. Let's do a fund drive, host a dance, sponsor a bake sale, have the Cougarettes do a benefit performance to get new water dispensers in the Cougareat. It's a good cause, a worthwhile cause, and I think the BYU student body's pockets will reach deep enough to fund this hydration improvement.

Let's draw upon our resourcefulness as a university and make this happen. Water for people! Water for people! Water for BYU students, too!
-SSAM