All right, stop. Collaborate
and listen: HFAC
's back with experimentation!
That's right. As the self-declared food experimentation kings of the Board, we decided to take this one head on. While I did find glib's answer rather witty, we didn't want to deprive you of a real pseudo-scientific answer.
So it was that Foreman and Claudio convened that fateful day at Foreman's apartment. It was also under these auspices that Foreman's roommates (who do not know he is a Board writer) came to suspect ever more strongly that their friend is insane. Additionally, we think you'll find that there's a compelling new entry in the "Stupidest Things Either Claudio or Foreman Have Ever Done" list (which, though it isn't an actual list (yet), would at least have some strong elements). Be excited. Now... let's do this!
We began with a rather subjective but, we felt, important test. Gathering our materials, we measured out 4 globs of peanut butter, consisting of 2 Tablespoons (the recommended serving size) each. Note that, being a Choosy Mom, Foreman chose JIF.
We then proceeded, in turn, to place this actually-rather-oppressive amount of peanut butter in our respective mouths, give it a few seconds to coat the mouthal interior, and drink a carefully measured half cup (half the recommended serving size) of either milk or water. Both were refrigerated, for consistency and to avoid confounding variables of heat. Claudio went first:
After Glob 1 and his serving of water, Claudio rated his "Peanut Butter Mouth" at a Level 5, on a scale of 1 to 10.
After a palate cleanser of Frosted Mini-Wheats (to ensure a lack of oral peanut butter content and avoid additional complications) was Claudio's milk run. Insert peanut butter, wait a few seconds, and chug milk. After this test, he likewise rated his Peanut Butter Mouth at a Level 5.
Foreman, being a milk fan, was skeptical of Claudio's results. However, his water and milk tests yielded a Peanut Butter Mouth result of Level 6 for both milk and water. This test apparently proved:
1)Just how subjective our testing method was in the first place.
2)It's fun to dance around the kitchen to the Format's "Dog Problems" while laughing at the ridiculous amount of peanut butter in your mouth.
3)Neither of us noticed a significant difference between the effect of water or milk on the Peanut Butter Mouth phenomenon.
4)The Peanut Butter Mouth Phenomenon would be a killer name for a rock band.
BUT, dear reader, we were not yet finished. Oh, no. We set upon a much more formal method of testing peanut butter dissolution rates.
We placed the same amount of peanut butter (2 Tbsp) on the bottom of a dish and poured the same amount of milk or water (1/2 cup) around it. Tilting our respective dishes to one side, we proceeded to use a uniform "sloshing" motion to simulate inner-mouth interactions. Simultaneously, we would tilt our dishes from one side to the other, effectively bathing the glob in its surrounding fluid.
After 50 sloshes, there was no effect in either dish.
After an additional 50 sloshes, a few minor chunks of peanut butter had become unattached from the main glob, but both of an equal and rather insignificant amount.
And so, we concluded from both tests, there is no real difference between the effects of water and milk on peanut butter. The only difference would be flavorful, which varies by personal preference: Foreman prefers milk, and Claudio (having a tragic childhood-based aversion to milk) prefers water.
BUT WAIT! There's more! Finding this lack of differing results somewhat disappointing, we set out to find what substance would
effectively assist with peanut butter dissolution. We repeated the dish-sloshing experiment, this time with a basic solution of soda water and an acidic solution of vinegar:
After 100 sloshes, the base solution saw no change. The acidic vinegar, however, showed a marked decomposition of the peanut butter, indicating that such a substance has notable Peanut Butter Mouth reducing potential.
And so, dear reader, we steeled ourselves for the apparently requisite last experiment (remember that "Stupidest Things Ever" list? Here we go).
Scooping a single tablespoon of peanut butter and 1/4 cup of vinegar each, we scraped the peanut butter off into our mouths, exchanged a terrified look, clinked our glasses, and proceeded to down our vinegar shots.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. UNPAID NON-PROFESSIONALS AT WORK.
After the egregious burning in our throats subsided and it became pretty clear that Claudio would not, in fact, vomit in Foreman's sink (though it was touch-and-go for a while), it was decided that the vinegar really did help clear out the peanut butter in one's mouth, though a) it was difficult to tell when one is concentrating on not retching and b) the amount of water one chugs afterward renders the point somewhat moot. It was also decided to drink some soda water, which settled our burning stomachs and brought about some wicked belches that tasted disgustingly of peanut butter, milk, frosted mini-wheats, and vinegar.
(This is not a staged photo, simply quick camera work by Foreman. Claudio wishes it to be stated for the record that he's not that ridiculously huge, it's his shirt hanging down.)
Fred, don't say we never did anything for you.
To conclude, the results of our experiment are summarized by these handy charts:
Really, the saddest part of this is that, due to anonymity concerns, we can't post unedited pictures, which means you unfortunately can't see our facial expressions during any of this testing, which was surely the best part.
And now... it's time to go lie down for a while.