Dear Mary Jane:
I can definitely sympathize with you. Although I would not go so far as to say that I have found Church vomitous, I am sometimes bored, or annoyed
. There were a couple of months (not so very long ago) where I felt rather apathetic towards the Church. I wasn't out actively rebelling constantly, and I still believed in the gospel, but I (a) let other people's interpretation of said gospel bother me too much, and (b) didn't put forth either the time or effort to really live
the gospel. And part of that, I would submit, means being a part of the Church.
I don't think this is a matter of geography. There are annoying Mormons in Utah, but there are plenty elsewhere. The same is to be said for admirable members. I think this is a matter of your personal relationship with God.
I like how Spencer W. Kimball put it: "I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns" (As quoted here
.) Would you even have the revealed word of God that you have without the Church? No. Would you have your (presumably) temple marriage without it? It's times like this where trying to focus on the positive is probably best, even though it's hard.
I suppose God could have left us to our own devices, but he chose to give us "apostles; prophets; evangelists; pastors and teachers for the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ" (Eph. 4:11-12
). All of these positions aren't meant to ruin your life, but to improve it.
Remember your baptismal covenant? You were once "desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called [part of] his people." You were "willing to bear one anotheŕ’s burdens, that they may be light . . . and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." (Mosiah 18:8-9
). Are you willing to do that now? Beneath all the questionable lessons, past all the conformism, that's what the Church is all about. I think we can go a lot further helping each other than trying to make it on our own. If you give up on it, then that's one less chance to help not only others, but yourself.
I, for one, realized that I didn't really like being apathetic. I wanted to go on a mission, get married in the temple the whole shebang--how could I do that if I didn't care?
How about I make you a deal: I'll go to church, sit through all my meetings and hold my tongue and my inward criticisms, study the scriptures daily, and maybe I'll even attempt to attend Institute next semester. If I do all that, then I bet you can try similar things. Feel free to email me: it's good to have someone to report to.
Good luck. I bet if you study the New Testament, and ponder Christ's life and teachings, you'll come to the conclusion that you can do more good within the Church than outside it.