Dear 100 Hour Board,
OOPS! I fell in love with my friend with benefits.....yeah, we've been FWB since around November 2006. To further screw it up, we only took "breaks" when I had boyfriends, but ultimately, he was the reason my relationships ended.I kinda sorta wonder if we had some unspoken commitment due to the length of time we're talking about, but we ALWAYS say "oh no we're just freinds" when people ask......yeah, I'm gonna get my heart obliterated. Also it might be important to know that, we have a real frienship underneath all the makingout. OF COURSE, I'm going to tell him, but......how? And how unhealthy/possible would it be to REALLY REALLY be just friends?
~His secret admirer
The hard truth is that when you get in to a physical relationship with someone, you often end up getting emotionally attached to them. This is, in fact, why we're counseled not to get into such relationships. What you're doing isn't as serious as premarital sex, but it's still in the same genre, and I find it baffling that people can be so short-sighted as to engage in such behavior and think that no one is going to get hurt.
So, you're physically and emotionally in love with someone who hasn't made any sort of commitment to you and who probably doesn't want to, which means that no matter what you end up doing, it's just going to hurt for a while. At least do yourself a favor and (1) quit making out with him and (2) don't get any more "friends with benefits."
"Also it might be important to know that we have a real friendship underneath all the making out."
Yes. Preferably in that order, too.
Dear secret admirer of his~
I'm glad that you've finally fallen in love with the chap you've been de facto dating for ages. Instead of "telling him", as you say, why not just date him exclusively and ask the same of him? Something along the lines of, "Since we're making out all the time, shouldn't we really be dating each other?"
Are you really in love with him? Well, I think that might be debatable, but you need to stop screwing with your heart and his if you're going to figure out if there really is a friendship buried underneath all of that making out.
~Still not back yet
Do I know you? If not, I know someone uncannily like you.
You don't need to go up and say "I'm in love with you." I agree with Hobbes, though. If you've got the friendship and the love and the attraction, which it sounds like you have, you probably shouldn't be dating other people. Especially if you feel like you're cheating on him, and it's killing your other relationships. If you don't want to define it all, that's okay. Do things together, enjoy each other's company, kiss him, and so on. Don't violate his trust by going on dates with other people, if he's thinking you're only spending time with him. And if you don't want to spend time only with him, then don't lead him on.
At this point, I don't know how possible "just friends" is. The deeper connection you had, the harder it will be, and the good friendship plus the making out makes it nearly impossible. If I were giving advice on how to be friends again after something like this, I'd advise a lot of time and space before you even attempted it. Don't let that discourage you from ending it, though, if that's what you feel you need to do. It'll hurt like crazy for a while, but you'll get over it sooner than you expect, and drawing out the pain because you don't want to face up to things makes it so much worse. If you need to stop, then stop cold turkey, and face the consequences as they come.
If I were you, for the record, I'd stop seeing other guys, and just start seeing the one, if he's up for it. But I'm not you, and this is your call.
-songs of inexperience