Sorry this has taken so long. Given the gravity of this kind of subject I have felt that it deserves a worthy answer and I am unwilling to give it less than 100%. In order to answer this question though we need to turn to the doctrine of the church. As we do I will examine each of your questions:
1) Doesn't it seem a little too dramatic/obsessive to have this do-or-die attitude (towards pornography)?
2) If there was genuine concern for each other, would most people not be willing to "put up" with certain flaws of their partner, even if (perceivably in an LDS context) so gross?
2b) Does pornography really deal that much damage?
3) Can a husband and wife really not get together and communicate about it?
4) If they loved each other to begin with, shouldn't they be able to work it out somehow?
5) Who can dishonor the genuine concern of a loving marriage partner and what love is there if they do?!Doctrines on Pornography
(Note: all taken from the scriptures or the "Eternal Marriage" student manual under "Pornography" unless otherwise noted)
"Using pornographic material in any way is a violation of a commandment of God: "Thou shalt not . . . commit adultery . . . nor do anything like unto it" (D&C 59:6). It can lead to other serious sins. Members of the Church should avoid pornography in any form and should oppose its production, distribution, and use." - LDS.org (see also Matthew 5:27-28, D&C 42:23)
"You cannot afford in any degree to become involved with pornography, whatever its form" -President Gordon B. Hinckley
"The Lord knew that in the last days Satan would try to destroy the family unit. He knew that by court edict, pornography would be allowed to prosper." - President Ezra Taft Benson
"A diet of ... pornography dulls the senses and future exposures need to be rougher and more extreme. Soon the person is desensitized and unable to react in a sensitive, caring, responsible manner, especially to those in his own home and family." - Elder Marvin J Ashton
"A little pornography may not only lead to child and spouse abuse, but it slowly sucks out the marrow of self-esteem" - Elder Neal A Maxwell
"Again, I say, leave it alone. Turn if off, walk away from it, burn it, erase it, or destroy it" - Elder H Burke Peterson
"Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness" - Ephesians 4:19
"Behold, ye have done greater iniquities than the Lamanites ("hatred was fixed, and they were led by their evil nature that they became wild, and ferocious, and a blood-thirsty people; full of idolatry and filthiness" - Enos 1:20)... Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you. And because of the strictness of the word of God, which cometh down against you , many hearts died, pieced with deep wounds. - Jacob 2:35
"[S]ee that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love" (Alma 38:12).
Question #1 for Judgment: "Give an accounting for your relationship with your spouse." - David O McKay
. Counsel on Mate Selection:
"I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes (deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home). You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife" - Elder Scott (Conference, Ensign May 1999 pg 26)Thoughts by C.S. Lewis:
"Or take it another way. You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease act---that is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you come to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on to the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of sex instinct among us? "
"I think ["the state of into which sexual instinct has now got"] is everything to be ashamed of. There is nothing to be ashamed of in enjoying your food: there would be everything to be ashamed of if half the world made food the main interest of their lives and spent their time looking at pictures of food and dribbling and smacking their lips."
"Before we can be cured we must want to be cured... we may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity---like perfect charity---will not be attained by any merely human efforts. You must ask for God's help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again." - CS Lewis, Mere ChristianityThoughts on your questions
Writing this answer has been very dark for me. It's a ugly topic and I don't enjoy talking about it. At the same time, it's important because things are about to get much, much worse.
Pornography. You see that it has the potential, like any other sin, to keep us from happiness. That is good. Yet, based on your questions, I don't think you understand the effects of pornography on a relationship. I also think you see pornography as a sin that we, in the church, have pulled aside and decided to whine about more than the others because it is so taboo and misunderstood.
Here are some of the things pornography does to a family (just based off my own personal experiences with those involved with/around pornography):
To the offender, over time pornography:
1) It embraces their passion and selfishness
2) It suffocates their ability to love others
4) It warps their perspective of life and their relationships with others
5) It eradicates their hope
6) It destroys their self-esteem
7) It consumes and paralyzes them
8) It eliminates their ability to be guided by the Spirit to help and serve their family members.. they can no longer administer priesthood ordinances or provide spiritual guidance to others.
To the offended, over time:
1) It cripples their ability to trust their spouse and feel loved by him/her
2) It destroys their sense of stability.
3) It makes them doubt their own personal worth
Stay away from it. Pornography is the biggest problem within the church. Don't assume you are safe. And, please, don't assume that is is "just as bad" as another sin. It is one of the most addictive, vile and painful sins that the world will ever know.
-Castle in the Sky