Dear Should,

In terms of dating you should be scared of freshmen girls because they are deeply immature, annoyingly dramatic, inexperienced, and tend to giggle unnecessarily. Also, if you marry an eighteen-year-old you'll be hearing about it for the rest of your life. You should be equally scared of senior girls because they are either hardcore feminists (shudder), or desperate crones who want nothing more than to latch on to a husband before they graduate. Sophomores are less flighty than freshmen, but this is not to your advantage, as it means they will have undoubtedly chosen to "wait" for a missionary while they half-heartedly pursue a degree in English. And although the attachment is artificial at best, convincing them otherwise can be time-consuming. You have the least to fear from juniors, who are far enough along in their studies that getting married won't derail them from graduating, so they can get out into the work force and support you while you spend the next six years changing majors.

-the snake whisperer

Dear Grapevine,

I asked a good friend (we'll call her "Bonks," as that is what we actually call her) who got home from Temple Square in November to answer your question. Her response:

A couple mission presidents ago the mission president was so concerned about the sisters' looks that he would tell them to watch what they ate and would weigh them. My mission prez (who just got released in January) was nothing like that.

There is no Temple Square gym or personal trainers. Often we don't have the regular 30 minutes of exercise because we have meetings or lessons that are early in the morning so we have to get up earlier. We adhere to the same clothing guidelines that are found online (and are updated! Finally!).

One of our objectives as given to us by the Brethren was "to uplift the image of the church." Because millions visit Temple Square and they often form their opinion of the church from what they experience there, it might make a difference if the missionaries looked good. That's why elders aren't there. [Editorial note from CK: Whoa, harsh. Not cool. *Goes and cries about how fat I am for three hours while eating a whole Costco chocolate cake and ice cream right from the tub.*] They tried that, but they looked too much like security guards. [Oh. So we're like...husky. In a good way. Dang straight. *Flexes in front of the mirror for three hours.*]

As for the stereotype that all the pretty ones get sent to Temple Square, I guess you'll have to visit and find out for yourself. Just make sure your bring a couple referrals for them. ;)

- Bonks

So there you have it, Grapevine. And seriously, if you haven't been stopped there by sisters looking for referrals, prepare yourself. On my third encounter with sisters at conference this last weekend, I almost gave them the number for Callin' Oates, just for giggles. Bonks, who was with me, did not approve of or appreciate this idea. I say go for it.

- Commander Keen, from the directionless void of hiatus

Dear de nada,

The credit report bureaus work for the average people using banks, which is why there is legislature in place that says they must allow people to check their credit reports once a year for free. ChexSystems, on the other hand, works for banks, not for average customers. Because they work for the banks, they are not required to share their information with average customers. Their information belongs to the banks, not to the individuals. There are only two ways for a person to gain free access to ChexSystems. One, if the person is declined for a bank account, i.e., they are not allowed to open a bank account at all. Or, two, if they are allowed to open a bank account, but it is not a normal bank account; instead, it will be a limited account with the stipulation that it is "high-risk" for some amount of time.

The banker I talked with suggested that I tell you about lawyers. Basically, by hiring a lawyer it will be easier for you to get this nasty stuff off of your record. It should be easy enough for the lawyer to prove that it was not actually you who had bad credit, that it was someone using your social, and then your record will be clean. That would be expensive, but it is certainly something to think about. Best of luck!

-Mico

Dear Person A,

You're welcome! It has been fun to go to my bank every day. All the bankers now sort of know that I'm there doing research. It's only the tiniest bit awkward. 

So, here is what I've learned. The connection between one's name, one's social security number, and credit reports is not as solid as you and I thought. When anyone goes to open a bank account they have to "prove" that they are who they claim they are. In a case such as this, the person needs to provide evidence that the social security number is their own, perhaps by providing a letter from the social security office, or some such thing. The bank where someone makes an account only needs to verify the person who comes in. In your situation, JP Morgan Chase only needed to verify that Person B was really who he said he was. Obviously Person B was lying and forged the information, but Person B clearly did so really well. 

In your situation, the bank was not required to contact you. If you had had an account with them and Person B showed up trying to use your social, then they would have told Person B that something fishy was going on and it would have been Person B's responsibility to move on from there. However, since you were at an entirely different bank, and since there was nothing out of the ordinary going on with your credit reports, they had no obligation to tell you what had happened. Further, even once Person B did get their bank account closed, JP Morgan Chase still didn't necessarily know about you. 

-Mico