Dear in need,

You're in luck; Provo has weeping willows. Head down to the intersection of Provo's Center Street with Geneva Road. Go north on Geneva a few blocks until you hit the Provo River Parkway bike trail. Once on the bike trail, head west toward Utah Lake. I didn't have time to check this out for this answer, but if my memory serves me, there are some gorgeous willows along the river next to the bike path. If my memory has failed me, at least I was able to verify the existence of one willow here (on Geneva between 3rd and 4th North). 

- Eliot Rosewater

P.S. If there are none at this location to your liking, do some driving around the lake (especially the southeast side) and river; there are bound to be some willows there. 

Dear In Need of Help,

Since the weeping willow is my favorite tree, I feel inclined to point out that they're water-loving trees, which is most likely the reason why they're quite rare in Utah. I'm guessing the trees Eliot's pointed out for you were planted there on purpose and are probably quite smaller than what you're used to seeing back home. Still, such things don't make them any less beautiful, right?

I have a few weeping willows in my front yard and I would be more than happy to let you take pictures in front of them, however, I currently live on the east coast.

-Sky Bones

Dear slightly,

At BYU, as anywhere else, there's a spectrum. If you want to find not-super-religious people who watch R-rated movies and listen to rap, you can.

At the same time, many people come to BYU in large part because it's a place where people mostly are pretty religious and don't do such things. If I were you I'd wonder why I wanted to go to BYU. 

It's also worth observing that coffee is specifically against the Honor Code, so you'd have to stop drinking it if you came to BYU. The Honor Code, as the Word of Wisdom, just says you can't drink coffee (nothing about caffeine). If decaf coffee is coffee (I would argue this to be true) then it is against both the Honor Code and the Word of Wisdom. 

~Professor Kirke

Dear SFO,

Yes, there are plenty of people like you, but you are definitely going to be a minority, especially your freshman year. Please be considerate of both the Honor Code agreement and your roommates. If you must listen to explicit music, do it with your headphones on when your roommates are around. Don't go around loudly proclaiming how everyone else is a self-righteous Pharisee. Don't tell your roommates they're dumb sheeple for not having seen rated-R movies. If you do those things, yes, you will hate it here very quickly.

–Concealocanth

Dear Slightly Freaking Out,

Would you please do a favor for me and, with an open mind (and possibly heart, too), read Board Question #63073? I know it's not exactly what you are asking about, but I think it is relevant to how you're feeling.

-Sky Bones

Dear Trying Hard,

While I don't have any good cure-alls for your dire straits, I do know of some good places to go if you want free eats. Check event calendars, and adjust your study spot accordingly. Usually the upper floor of the Wilk and the middle floors of the Tanner Building have food-filled events. Let me be clear: I do not endorse stealing food from events you are not invited to. This is wrong. However, it is customary, if there is a bunch of food left over, for organizers to come out after the event is over, and ask nearby people if they'd like a bite to eat to help them get rid of the food. This has actually happened to me multiple times (guess I'm lucky) though I've never checked event calendars to try to up my odds.

–Concealocanth

Dear trying,

If you're LDS, you should talk to your bishop so that fast offerings can go to use. That is the entire purpose of that program. If you aren't LDS, talk to a trusted friend to see if you can get some help. You can also consider selling things on Craigslist. As a last resort, most cities have some sort of homeless shelter where you might be able to get some help.

--Pilgrim

Dear trying hard,

If you are a student, you might perhaps consider taking out a student loan. There is no shame is taking out modest loans to make your way through school. 

Alternatively, you could start going door-to-door with your herbal tea to play the Bigger/Better game: food edition. Tell whomever answers the door that you are playing a game with friends and that you need a food item bigger or better than your herbal tea packet. Stop playing when you have a decent meal. This might be less awkward if you do it with a friend. And remember: this isn't begging, it's trading!

- Eliot Rosewater

Dear Just,

For the record, I'm in favor of it being wildly popular, because it's a great question. Petra and Optimistic.'s Board romance was the stuff of legends, and is, in my opinion, what all other Board romances should aspire to. It was dynamic, there was intrigue, and the whole thing kept the public guessing. Were they dating? Were they hated rivals? Did they secretly adopt twins and name them Optimetra and Petristic, each taking one after their secret divorce in the hopes of creating a Parent Trap-esque situation where both twins go to BYU and write for the Board, only to discover that they're brother and sister? Who can say, really? All I know is that if you haven't already given it a thumbs up, Uffish's response in BQ#21534 deserves all the thumbs you have.

-Optimistress.

Dear confuzzled,

For those of you who didn't follow the link, the video is "It Gets Better at Brigham Young University." A number of BYU students who are gay talk a little about their experiences; it was made by the Understanding Same-Gender Attraction group at BYU.

I'm not sure what in the video leads you to believe the students have all acted on their feelings. Whether or not they have is entirely their business, but having watched the video twice now, I still don't see what you're seeing. If anything, many of the students interviewed therein specifically said they had worked (in vain) to ignore their natural feelings altogether. The point of the video is to show that there are members of the Church who are also gay. They want to show people that their belief in the Church is strong and they are gay. Yes, these are two things that can be hard to reconcile, and that is exactly the point. They want people to be aware that there are others struggling with this issue, so we should all try to be sensitive and generally aware.

Now, how can they still call themselves LDS? Well, anyone can call themselves anything. Furthermore, religion is something you can choose to be a part of. The students in the video have decided that they believe in the LDS Church, maybe in spite of their sexuality. Because they still believe in the tenets of the LDS Church, why shouldn't they call themselves LDS? Were their baptisms somehow invalidated when they realized they were gay? No. These students are not living the stereotypical "gay lifestyle," rather they are trying their best to live how they believe they should be living. As for my straight-up thoughts on the video, I was quite impressed at how bold those students were to come out at BYU, and equally impressed at the largely positive response to the video among my friends at BYU. So, in conclusion, be nice to most everyone and don't judge. 

-Mico

Dear No It's Not,

I've heard this theory before, including just a couple weeks ago in an ELANG class. My professor credited its beginnings to a President Kimball talk, highlights of which you can read here. Andrew Skinner fleshed out the concept here, quoting President Kimball and scholars who were looking at the Greek. Elder Holland has made comments to a similar end.

There's no denying¹ that the syntax is identical to most of what we'd consider "commandments" in the scripture, and I think that some nice insights emerge from considering it as a commandment. I also think it solves many of the strange things about Peter in the final hours of the Savior's ministry (he lops off the soldier's ear but then chickens out when talking to a "damsel"? That doesn't seem consistent to me).

So yeah, I think it holds water generally, even if it's a bit nontraditional.

No Dice

¹ Haha, bad Peter puns.

Dear Doodle,

I've heard this before, but I tend to think it was more of a prediction than a commandment. If we look at the context of Jesus' statement, we realize that Peter had just bragged (v. 33) that "though all men shall be offended because of thee, yet will I never be offended." After Jesus tells him that he will deny, Peter replies (v. 35) "though I should die with thee, yet will I not deny thee." Yes, it's true that if commanded, Peter could have changed his mind after Jesus' arrest, but it just doesn't seem like Peter knew it was a commandment at the time it was given.

If we look at the end of chapter 26, where it describes Peter's betrayal, it looks like he had forgotten Jesus' words. After he thrice denies and the cock crows, we read, "and Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out and wept bitterly." Does that sound like a man who was purposefully and obediently distancing himself from his Lord? To me it seems like he tragically forgot his Master's words, and only remembered after he heard the cock. 

I love this story, even if it is that Peter denied his Savior. What could be a better story of repentance than a man who was close to Jesus, failed him, but then returned even more faithful to the cause? It reminds me of an old devotional by Patricia Holland, where she talks about how God uses broken things, including Peter--who "returned to greater power and service than ever."

-Hamilton

Dear Cilantro,

Nowhere on your membership records does it list your prior callings. When my roommates and I moved into our new ward they asked us to write down our prior callings for them and my one roommate specifically left off her time in the Relief Society presidency because she didn't want them to think she could handle it again.

If you're trying to avoid a repeat calling, you may be in luck!

-Marguerite St. Just

Dear Ky,

It appears that nobody around here can recommend any summer sales jobs. My feeling is that they get a bad rap for a reason, but they certainly can pay lots of money. You are the one to determine whether you use honest sales techniques, so if you have your heart set on a miserable summer, go forth and make your thousands per week. 

- Eliot Rosewater

Dear Warped,

When I (gasp) revealed my secret identity to a friend of mine, he said, "But [Concealocanth]! You're not the 100 Hour Board! You're the real life Two Second Board!"

So, yes, a lot of writers (myself included) know a ton of trivia/encyclopedic information. Art Vandelay, for example, could school anyone I know in a pop culture discussion. When it comes right down to it, though, being a writer is not about knowing a lot of things, but rather knowing where to find the information you need.

I have no idea if you should apply or not. Do you want to? Are you fine with the commitment? Are you a non-insane, friendly person? Are you fine with researching things that you don't really care about sometimes? Are you serious about deadlines? Search your soul, Warped Mastermind, and come back and apply if you figure out you want to.

–Concealocanth

Dear WM,

Writers don't ask 5+ questions per week.

--Pilgrim

Dear Warped Mastermind,

As far as your decision goes, I agree with Concealocanth, but have one thing to add. Perhaps the best way to see if you'd really make a good writer and enjoy doing it would be to answer your own questions for a while. If you can find the answers to the type of questions you've been asking, you'll probably make a good writer. You can consider that a challenge. Try it for a few weeks. 

Also, on a general note, I'm not alone in feeling like we're a bit understaffed at the moment. I'd like to see more serious applicants. One doesn't have to be Katya to write for the Board; in my private opinion almost anyone who can write grammatical English, has a personality, and is willing to consistently put in 5-10 hours a week can be a great writer. Both times I've applied, I've enjoyed doing the application, and rejected applicants don't even have their thumbs cut off. So don't be too afraid to apply.

~Professor Kirke

P. S. Speaking of grammatical English, this answer originally had "on" and not "one" in the first sentence. Thank you, Mico, for pointing that out. 

Dear Kid,

Social skills are all about mirroring, i.e., copying what the other person does. That doesn't mean that you have to say what they say or mimic everything, but mirroring level of interest, mirroring body language, and just generally taking all the social cues (tone of voice, body language, emotions) that you can pick up on and correctly responding to them, which often involves mirroring. For example, a roommate comes in having had a bad day and is obviously annoyed. Do you A) cheerfully talk about how amazing your day was or B) say sympathetic things to them to help them feel better? (The answer is B.) I don't actually know you, but I think it's likely that you're having trouble with mirroring because you never picked it up from your siblings, because Autism Spectrum Disorders tend to limit the amount to which someone can mirror others.

I know you're shy, but you're going to want to improve your social skills by practice. I recommend setting social goals for yourself: "I will go to FHE and at least two other social outings this week." Also, take a social dance class! Not only are they super fun, but you are forced to get to know a lot of people in a really low-key setting. If you have a friend that you're close to, you could ask them, "Hey, sometimes I feel like I do awkward stuff without realizing it. Do you mind telling me after [social event] if I did something awkward?"

Most importantly though, thinking you're super awkward does NOT help anything. It only makes you more awkward. Really, social skills come from something people like to call "self-confidence." It's extremely difficult to have any of that if you think you are the awkwardest person of all time. So try an experiment: next social situation you're in, assume that you're not awkward and that everyone thinks you're hilarious and loves you. Your awkwardness will probably disappear magically.

–Concealocanth

Dear that kid,

To mirror what Concealo suggested, don't think about your awkwardness. I find that even folks who lack natural social skills can have a lot of friends and be accepted by most people if they are genuine. One of my best friends misses a lot of social cues that the rest of us pick up on, but he's just so doggone honest, caring, and humble that he fits right in. I don't exaggerate when I say that I can name dozens of girls that have had crushes on him over the past couple years. I attribute those crushes mostly to the fact that he is genuinely interested in listening to other people; the chicas don't care that he sometimes misses sarcasm or that his mom still buys his shoes. 

-Hamilton

Dear kid,

The book How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie, is full of great ways to improve your interactions with others. 

- Eliot Rosewater

Dear you,

Guys. THIS ANSWER INVOLVES AN AUSTRALIAN ROCK BAND. READ IT. (Sorry for yelling like that. I felt like most of you were going to skip it after seeing that the question involved The Wiggles, but it's actually pretty cool, so...yeah. Read on.)

I was surprised to learn that The Wiggles do pretty well for themselves. According to Wikipedia, "The Wiggles were named Business Review Weekly's top-earning Australian entertainers for four years in a row and earned A$45 million in 2009."

The same source says they formed because they wanted to make educational music for children, so they're doing something they enjoy. (It's a cool story, actually - some guys formerly involved in The Cockroaches, an Australian rock band, work on their elementary ed majors, start making music for little kids, and end up making millions.) You'd have to pay me a lot of money to do it because I, like you, would feel silly doing it. But they actually want to do it. And not only do they enjoy it; coincidentally they're also making bank. Good for them, even if I don't think much of such children's television in general. 

I didn't find as good of information on The Doodlebops, and I think most groups will not make as much as The Wiggles. However, I'd be willing to bet that most similar groups also enjoy what they do, so there wouldn't be a need for hardship pay. 

~Professor Kirke

Dear worried,

There usually are quotas for classes. Contact the professor in question to get specifics for that class.

- Eliot Rosewater

Dear Donald Driver,

Here is what I remember from driver's ed: you should not break traffic laws to get out of the way of emergency vehicles. In emergency situations where they have their sirens and lights going, they are allowed to break traffic laws to circumvent traffic as needed. Additionally, most ambulances have a handy device that can turn the lights they need green (or turn them all red). However, if you are blocking the only way through an intersection (like in the scenario defined), when the ambulance changes the lights you should be able to clear the intersection (I'd think you'd still turn but would need to get over the right shoulder asap and let the ambulance pass). If they are pulled up behind you and honking like you described, I think that means you should clear the intersection.

Because there are so many ways an accident could happen in a situation like that, I won't even try answering who would be at fault. The answer to that question is entirely circumstantial and would be different for every case I imagine. But then again, I'm no expert and it has been a while since my high school drivers ed course.

-Art Vandelay

Dear Paprika,

My immediate thought was if there isn't a median, they should be going into the oncoming traffic lane (without traffic, of course, because everyone pulled over!). I have a friend who used to drive an ambulance and I remember once we were driving late at night on a mostly deserted, multi-lane road and an ambulance was coming toward us and I started to pull over and he laughed and said I didn't need to do that, so I asked for his experience-based thoughts:

First a word on lights and sirens. As a rule, flashing lights mean the emergency vehicle has somewhere to be. A fire truck going to a fire, an ambulance to an accident, or a police officer to provide routine backup. They will commonly use little blasts of siren to warn traffic as they approach an intersection. This is not the same as having the sirens on. If the sirens are on all the time, it’s a real emergency. The police are on their way to stop someone dangerous, fire could be going to a blazing car on the freeway, an ambulance may be returning to the hospital with a dying man.

Now some background. Ambulances have a legal and moral obligation for the safety of the patient, the crew, and other vehicles. Same goes for police and fire.  To fulfill this, though it varies by state, ambulances and fire vehicles cannot break traffic rules (ie speeding and running lights) and police can only break them while in “pursuit.” There are two things that states do to help emergency responders get places quickly. First, install flashing-light detectors at traffic signals, second pass laws requiring people to safely get out of the way.

On older lights you may notice a small box that looks like a miniature camera. It’s on newer lights too, just as part of the signal itself. That box is a sensor that changes the traffic signal to green when light flashes across it several times. So in theory, as an emergency vehicle approaches a red light, the light changes for the cross traffic and turns green for them. Should you feel so inclined, look both ways for police then flash a really bright flashlight across it a few times. The traffic signal should change.

Getting out of the way of a vehicle with flashing lights only applies when you can do it safely. Every emergency vehicle driver would prefer to be a few seconds later than have to stop because you were in a car accident. The rule of thumb is the same as whenever you drive. Be consistent. The ambulance driver sees you and wants you to keep doing what you’re doing. If it’s changing lanes and slowing down, even better.

On to the question: Can a person run a light because an ambulance is behind them. The answer: technically no. Remember that ambulance companies are private businesses, not government agencies. An ambulance can’t give you any more permission to break the law than a crossing guard can. However should an ambulance find itself stopped, waiting to turn left, if traffic is clear many will pull into the oncoming lanes and enter the intersection that way. If that’s not possible (because of a median) they will wait, expecting you to turn when the light changes.

The only one who could ever give you permission to run a light would be a police officer. If the officer signals for you to go through an intersection, make sure the intersection is clear, slowly pull into it, and turn wide so that the officer has plenty of room to pass you.

The day that an ambulance thinks it’s a police car and directs you to move you have a choice; wait for the light to change (it should be seconds because of the sensor) or run the light. If a police officer sees you run it you probably won’t get a ticket. If you cause an accident, you will be at fault as if you had run the signal just for fun.

My non-experienced advice if you see flashing lights behind you is take deep breaths and think through whatever action is legal and safe before you panic.

-Marguerite St. Just

Dear Violet,

To answer this I phoned Todd Hollingshead, a spokesmen with University Communications who'd commented in the Daily Universe on the drill. He said that although the university supports the effort, due to the conflict with finals week there will be no drills involving students or on a university-wide scale. BYU's risk management organization is, however, involved with the Utah Shakeout people. So you'll be able to take your finals in peace, or at least without worrying about earthquake drills. A big thanks to Todd for his help!

~Professor Kirke

Dear Tasteless,

In my experience, it takes about 48 hours (but change the vinegar to be fresh after 24 hours so it's more potent). After you're done, yes, the egg tastes super disgustingly vinegary. 

Also, you didn't hear this from me, but they make ideal projectiles if you're looking for a satisfying, stinky splat. NEVER aim at animals, people, or anything anyone might care about, though.

–Concealocanth

Dear Reader,

So, in order to answer your question, I'm just going to answer some of the same questions they asked that Board writer, only now it's now instead of being then.

Q: Let's start with the easy questions. What's your name?

A: Anne, Certainly

Q: You guys use fake names, right?

A: Yep.

Q: Okay. How secretive are you guys?

A: It depends on the writer. I'm not hugely secretive.

Q: How seriously [do you guys take secrecy]?

A: Again, it depends on the writer. However, let the record show that if you know a writer's identity, you should NOT just go around telling people about it. 

Q: So you do have parties?

A: Yep. Some of us were actually chilling over at Kirke's house this past weekend. 

Q: Do you have to wear masks?

A: Not at the parties, although when we take pictures that involve our heads, it's customary to either block out the face or wear some type of paper bag.

Q: How do you guys get assignments?

A: We actually choose which questions we'd like to answer out of the Board's communal inbox.

Q: Does it ever take you longer than 100 hours?

A: Like when Saurus answered, yes. We're all volunteers with things to do besides the Board, and sometimes we also run into problems with things like people emailing us back or what have you. Or finals. Yeah.

Q: What's the cop-out method [for answering a question]?

A: So Saurus says the cop-out is to just make something up if you don't know the answer. (A point of clarification brought up by Concealocanth: when you get an answer that is made up, it is going to be an obvious joke answer, not a sneaky lie. We're not evil.) That may happen, or you may just get an irrelevant answer, or you may get an answer that flat out says we don't know, or maybe an answer that answers the part we could answer.

Q: Let's get the dirt: are there rivalries on the 100 hour board?

A: Mostly everyone is jealous of me.

Q: Do you ever know the answers off the top of your head?

A: Sometimes.

Q: Do you know lots of useless trivia?

A: Not necessarily, but I can Google.

Q: Do you always use the name [Anne, Certainly]?

A: Nope!

Q: How many people are on the board?

A: Right now I think we're between 25 and 30 including proofreaders, webmaster, editors and full and probational writers.

Q: So you guys are pretty much a glorified Google search?

A: Well, sometimes, when questions are just that simple. However, if that's all we did, presumably people would just use Google and not wait 100 hours.

Q: Can you tell anybody that you write for the 100 hour board?

A: Yep, though we're not supposed to disclose our pseudonyms.

Q: Do you ever tell people?

A: Yep.

Q: But then you can't use it to impress the ladies?

A: I am a girl, and hence have little need to impress the ladies.

Q: Maybe you should try it.

A: No.

Q: Do you ever feel like Dear Abby?

A: Sometimes.

And there you have it. A lot of the Board is fairly similar to how it was then, though not exactly the same.

~Anne, Certainly

Dear Lector,

To add to Anne, Certainly's lovely mock interview, I'd like to add:

Q: But then you can't use it to impress the [menfolk]?

A: Concealocanth suavely sidles up to manfolk of dreams. "Sooo... I have a secret identity. I write for the 100 Hour Board." Manfolk of dreams: "The what board?"*

Basically what I'm saying here is that no, it's not something you really ever use to impress people. Would that it were.

–Concealocanth

*Okay, so this has never actually happened.