"It's not spiders I dislike, just people." -Petra
Question #91548 posted on 08/07/2018 11 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I would really like to get tested for ADD/ADHD, and I have insurance, but I really can't find where I would go to get tested? I've thought for a while that it's something that I could have. I don't care if I have it but I really want to know so I can figure out my next steps, whether it's counselling and/or meds if I do, or just figuring out how to cope in other ways with a very skatter-brained life if i don't have it.
I want to get tested somewhere that would hopefully do it for free or easily through my insurance? I know there are psychologists at the BYU Health Clinic, but they don't do diagnostics for ADHD (I checked), just prescription work. Is there any service at BYU that'll do this? Maybe CAPS? but I can't find any information on there. Hope this made sense, any information would be helpful. If any of you have ADHD, how did you figure it out? Do you have any advice?

-Doing my Best

A:

Dear person,

If you want a psychological assessment and are a BYU student, there are some good and cheap options nearby.

The University Accessibility Center (UAC) does assessments geared toward helping people get accommodations for school. They are free. I would recommend getting in before the beginning of fall so that you could get in sooner. If you do the UAC thing and are also interested in getting medication, you could talk to a doctor at the BYU Health Center and they can help you. You could then get therapy from CAPS or the Comprehensive Clinic to help work out strategies for dealing with ADHD.

If you want a psychological assessment with all bells and whistles, the BYU Comprehensive Clinic offers them for a low fee of $80. It doesn't matter if you are a student or not, you can still go there. They have a long waiting list, but as you are an adult it might be faster to get in because the graduate students there are in constant need of adult clients (there are tons and tons of kids and only a few adults who come in for assessment). They can give you a ton of recommendations regardless of whether or not you meet all the criteria for ADHD.

I know less about other providers. If you go outside of the UAC or the Comprehensive Clinic, prices increase sharply to hundreds of dollars. You can find providers by Googling "psychological assessments Utah"; all of the ones that came up for me when I googled that are providers of psychological assessments. I'd call around and see what their waiting lists are like if you want to go to a private practice.

-Sheebs

Question #91547 posted on 08/07/2018 10:36 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Is it possible for someone on a H1B working visa to serve a full-time mission? I'm a recent convert who works for one of the big three consulting firms in the U.S. and is on a working visa. I know an international student can serve as a full-time missionary and then return to school by switching vista categories, however, it seems it's impossible for someone who is working full-time. I'm not sure my firm would be willing to hold a vacancy for someone for two years.

-Frequent Flyer

A:

Dear person,

So the main person you should be talking to about this is a lawyer who does immigration law. I believe that H1B visas are trickier than F1 (student) visas, generally speaking (though in some countries F1 visas are also tricky). But again, talk to an immigration lawyer.

-Sheebs

Question #91351 posted on 08/07/2018 10:13 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

There should be classes on how to date. So please teach me: how should you date?

Thanks,
Celine Dion (all by herself)

A:

Hello Kitty,

Oh I thought this said how do I date in which case the answer would be the same as when I hadn't yet retired from the Board: I don't.

-M.O.D.A.Q.

A:

Dear you,

I see two crucial components for successful dating and relationships: honesty and communication. Don't date people you aren't sincerely interested in. Be honest about your goals and your intentions. If you want to date someone, effectively communicate that desire to them. If you don't think a relationship is going to work out, be up front about it.

Following those rules may not help you land dates, but they'll definitely help relieve the frustrations of dating.

Love,

Luciana

A:

Dear Celinda,

With a third wheel.

~Anathema

Question #91496 posted on 08/07/2018 10:12 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Whenever I fast, I get diarrhea the next day. Does this happen to any of you? Have you found something that helps mitigate it?

Thanks,

-My Name Here

A:

Dear My Name Here,

Yes. And no, I don't really know what helps. It's terrible.

-None

posted on 08/11/2018 7:31 p.m.
Fasting after breaking a fast is a pretty normal thing. I fast alot for health reasons (aka, ulcerative colitis), and my best friend is Muslim and fasts one month a year for Ramadan.

The medical reason for it is stimulation of your GI system after it's settled into slow digestion mode. It's really really good for you to do that, but most people tend to break their fasts with big, hefty meals.

This is the worst idea.

If you break your fast with something light, like a banana (avoid oils, fiber-rich salads, dairy, heavy stuff) or dates or toast a couple hours before eating your main meal, it usually doesn't happen.

-med student
Question #91504 posted on 08/07/2018 5:12 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,
I can’t talk to anybody in my life about this but I desperately need help.

I met a boy when I was 16 years old and he was 17. We hit hit off almost immediately and began dating. We lived nearly an hour away from each other, so it was a mostly email and text-based relationship, but we got to see each other maybe once every week or two. I was madly in love with him. We were raw and passionate and fiery. Insert all lame teenage lovey-dovey phrases here, and it described us really well. We talked about getting married all the time and having grand adventures. Traveling the world, living in big cities, doing amazing things.

Then I left home for BYU, over 1,000 miles away, and he stayed home because he was preparing for a mission. We dated long distance for a semester, and he left on his mission that winter. I convinced myself I would wait for him because we were meant to be together.

And then I met my actual future husband halfway through my sophomore year. He is a few years older than me, and our relationship has always been very calm and content. He is not one for big romantic gestures, and is a very stoic and level-headed person. We dated for a year before getting engaged. I broke things off with my missionary, and married my husband my junior year. My missionary got home only 1 month after the ceremony. We have been married nearly 4 years. Our life has very similar to the time we spent dating: very level and content. Comfortable and low-key. We recently found out I’m pregnant with our first child.

I have seen my ex a total of 1 hour in the last 5 years, but I have never stopped thinking about him. He got married a year ago, and I took it hard (even though I had already been married for over 2 years by that point). His wife is very pregnant and due next month, and that was also really hard for me to learn.

Why am I so hung up on this boy that I dated as a teenager? Why do I constantly think “what if, what if?” I hate myself for feeling like this. It’s not fair to my husband, who is a good man who deserves a good wife. It’s not fair to my ex or his wife or their future child(ren), even though they don’t know any of this. I hate to think I’m still in love with a person I can’t have, much less a person I haven’t spoken to in many years. I hate to think I’m making myself miserable, even though I have a very good, comfortable, calm life. I hate to think of the pain I’m causing, but mostly I hate to dwell on what could have been and the life I threw away by writing off my missionary.

What can I do?

-My Name Here

A:

Dear you,

You're not alone in feeling questions or even doubts about choosing someone other than your first love. Past writers have discussed it far better than I ever could in this question. First loves are powerful things, and that's probably why you're still so hung up on yours.

Something I think is important to remember is that we don't have just one perfect person out there for us. There are various people we can get along with, that we can share a life with, that we can fully and completely love. It's hard when you have to choose one person when there are two you love so dearly, and I don't think you should be hating yourself for feeling that way. But don't forget that a life with your old boyfriend wouldn't be better than what you have right now. What is the ultimate goal of life? Happiness. And if you're happy with your husband, then a life with your old boyfriend wouldn't give you anything extra. 

I think it's also important to remember how idealistic we all were in our teens (before the dreaded college and adult years hit). The relationship you had probably wouldn't be the same if it had continued. Missions and colleges and plain ol' life changes people. As humans, we often live in the past. We recall formative events, we romanticize past relationships, and we keep reliving those embarrassing moments. But sometimes we forget that people, especially ourselves, change over time. If we were put in the similar situation (same people, same relationships, but today instead of then), we would find that everyone would react and think differently. A relationship we had in the past is not going to look the same today as it did back then. The life you wonder if you threw away is probably very different from the relationship you had as a teenager. 

What can you do? Frankly, I don't know. I've never been in your shoes before. But I would suggest taking time to notice the good things in your husband, your family, and your life. Tell them to someone or write them down, so the next time that "what if" thought comes, you can hold up your notebook and say, "if I was with my ex-boyfriend I wouldn't have [     ]." Realize you can't guarantee what a life with your ex would have been. It might have been unfulfilling. Look at the growth and development you've done with your husband, and focus on the changes you've undergone because of your relationship. And if there's something you've always wanted to do, or are wistful of from your past relationship, take the reins and do them with your husband! You mentioned how you wanted to go on adventures. Now's your chance! Whether it's traveling to a new city or treating your spouse to a candlelit dinner, you can make sure the life you have is the life you wanted.

It's hard when we have to choose between two good things. I hope you can find peace and true fulfillment in the life you've chosen, because it sounds like a pretty incredible one.

-guppy of doom

Question #91527 posted on 08/07/2018 3:30 p.m.
Q:

Dear married Board writers (also unmarried, if you have insight here),

This is a personal question that will require some personal answers. I would apologize for making anyone uncomfortable, but I'm trying to open some lines of communication here and start talking about a for-some-reason-still-taboo subject: sex (within marriage).

My husband and I have been married a little under a year, and sex is both a big source of connection and the biggest roadblock in our relationship. I consider my libido to be normal for a woman--I want to be intimate with my husband two or three times per week--and his is way higher than mine. (What? Husband wants sex more than wife? Shocker.) The problem we're facing is kind of a power struggle here.

His perspective: If he wants sex, he feels like he has to make everything perfect and make sure nothing bothers me so I'm in a good enough mood to give it to him. He feels trapped and like he has to put on a face and put up with a lot of stuff--my being moody, or laughing too much, or being stressed out--without letting it bother him, or else I won't be in a good enough mood to have sex with him when he wants it. The way he described it to me, basically, he is motivated by his sex drive to be the perfect husband and do everything he can to make me happy, because he wants that reward of sexual satisfaction. The way he talks about it scares me a little bit, because he sounds like an addict looking for a fix; it's a fine line between normal, healthy, sexual desire and an insatiable addiction. He says things like, his whole day is good if he gets some, and he struggles a lot if he doesn't, and he only feels relief after he gets it.

On my end: the issue is frequency. He has such a high sex drive, he "needs" it basically every single day, and it's not uncommon for him to "need" it two or three times in one day. That's too much for me; I physically can't do it. But if he doesn't get the satisfaction he's craving, he feels like I'm dangling this thing in front of him and taunting him with it because I won't just give it to him. He thinks it's not that hard, I can take a few minutes and just make him really happy. But from my end, doing it when I'm not aroused or turned on just hurts and has some pretty negative physical consequences. He seems to think I'm being selfish, but I think I'm acting out of self-preservation. Like I mentioned before, I also have concerns about him exhibiting addictive behavior (based on some past struggles he's had), and I don't want to be an enabler by giving him a fix every time he wants one.

The power struggle: he feels like I'm taunting him and holding him captive because I hold the one thing he wants most, while I feel like I have to subject myself to something unpleasant or else my husband won't like me. I totally recognize that both of our perspectives are colored pretty negatively, and we both need to change that. (I'm working on it on my end; I'm working on being selfless and giving in that way, but for him it still seems like a pretty self-focused thing.) I'm trying hard to understand his perspective, and he's trying to understand mine, but this difference in desires still causes fights. I hate it. I just want the contention to stop, I want us to be equally yoked, and I want us to be on the same team. Right now it feels like we're fighting a never-ending battle, because if we have sex too, much I'm unhappy, but if we don't have sex enough, he's unhappy, and there is no balance here.

So, Board writers... have any of you been through this kind of thing with your spouse? What have you done? What do you recommend? Should I just suck it up and convince myself that I want to jump his bones twice a day, or should he fight his urges and learn to be okay with getting it 3 times a week like other couples do? Any ideas on how to work through this? (I've already read And They Were Not Ashamed, so that suggestion has already been taken care of. It didn't help much with the conflict piece.)

Sincerely,
-Wife

A:

Dear person,

Oh man. Your question makes me feel really sad. You're being pretty matter-of-fact about everything, but I think it would be really hard to feel like your husband only behaves in a decent way toward you because he wants sex at the end of the day. He thinks that you "laugh too much"? Your stress is something he has to "put up with"? All in the services of getting sex? I could be wrong but it sounds like you don't feel like he enjoys any other aspect of your relationship other than sex. Collectively, my reaction toward this is sadness.

First off, you aren't alone in this power struggle. Honestly, we have this power struggle on the level of our entire society. For more information, this article does a really good job of highlighting the issues. It's a good read. I'll give you a sneak peek: Please don't invalidate your pain, it is important. Women are culturally conditioned to invalidate their pain because of the deeply-ingrained male-centric way that people think about sex. Also, having sex two or three times a day is quite a lot. That sounds exhausting. 

Honestly, it sounds like your relationship could benefit from couples therapy. I would recommend finding a really good couples therapist. I actually think that the problem is more on your husband's end because he seems to view his pleasure/release/whatever as being more important than your pain, but it seems you have reached an impasse. I doubt he would agree if you just told him, "I think you have problems and need to go to therapy." But maybe he would be willing to do couples. 

Best of luck with the situation.

-Sheebs

A:

Dear Wife,

If your husband's sex drive is that high, maybe he should look for releases that have fewer negative consequences for you. There are sexual activities you can participate in that can help relieve that stress that don't involve penetrative sex, or if you're both comfortable with the idea, he could masturbate. You can also look into buying lube that would make sex less painful for you, or spend more time with foreplay so you're more aroused.

But you definitely need to keep the lines of communication open, so that you both understand how the other person feels. He may not understand that sex is physically painful for you if you aren't properly aroused, and you may not understand his pain either. I agree with Sheebs that a couples therapist would likely be helpful as well, as sex is an emotionally charged topic and already a source of tension in your relationship.

Love,

Luciana

posted on 08/07/2018 5:08 p.m.
"And They Were Not Ashamed" by Laura Brotherson is a book that has been recommended on this board in the past. If couples therapy isn't in the cards for you, this book might help give you real ideas for how to deal with and understand each other intimately in marriage.
posted on 08/08/2018 2:06 a.m.
I am really concerned by your description of how your husband treats you. Even within a marriage, consent is a thing, and it doesn’t sound like he cares whether you enthusiastically consent to every sexual encounter. You have a fundamental right to not have sex if you don’t want to.
Please consider seeing a counselor individually to help you work through your feelings and learn to validate your own desires, as well as learn communication techniques.