"I like fiery passion, actually." - Olympus
Question #92027 posted on 02/26/2019 12:22 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

When it comes to trying to schedule dates or other social activities, when are you putting in too much effort and/or being clingy about it? I've been trying to set up a date with a particular person, but it keeps getting canceled because of extenuating circumstances (work, etc). I have no reason to believe this person is giving me the end run, but in the past I've been horribly burned by people who were (and were dishonest about it), so even innocent rescheduling tends to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I really don't want to come across as clingy or needy but I'm a little frustrated with feeling like it's not going to go anywhere if I don't keep doing something.

- anxiety is the worst

A:

Dear Anxiety, my old friend,

This is definitely something that I've had to deal with ever since I came to BYU and it is definitely less than ideal. It frustrates me a good bit, because I try to be clear and give clear answers about whether or not I want to go places and do things. I also sympathize, as my anxiety is almost constantly telling me that people don't actually like me or want to hang out with me.

Here's what I do: three strikes and they're out (or they have to put in the effort to schedule something with me instead of vice versa). If someone stands me up or reschedules three times, I let it go. If they want to do something with me, they'll contact me to try again. If this person wants to go on the date, they'll figure out how to do it. Otherwise, I let it go. 

Now, that applies most often to dates or activities with people I'm not already good friends with. If it's someone I already know well, I'll just talk to them. Just be open and ask if they actually want to do the thing and tell them that their frequent rescheduling makes you feel like they don't care. If they have a good excuse, they'll let you know and you can be at ease. Or they'll be truthful with you about the fact that they don't want to do the thing and you can also be at ease. The real trick is to not be angry at them, even if they tell you they don't want to do what you want to do. It happens, and people have different interests and ideas about what is fun. To help foster a friendship environment with open and honest communication, start being real with your friends. Speak up when you don't want to do a certain thing. You don't need to be rude or pushy to make your feelings known.

Good luck!

-Quixotic Kid