"Barring polygamy, you will break up with every person you date minus one." - Yellow
Question #92753 posted on 11/09/2019 midnight
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What is your ex's version of your most recent breakup?

-Dirt

A:

Dear Worm Food, 

I asked him specifically and here's what he said. For context, we never technically dated and I sort of.... preemptively broke up with him. We're still good friends. I'll give you my side of things after for you to compare it to. I've dubbed him Puffer. He knows why. 

"I liked Guesthouse on and off through the last two years of high school. She was cute and pretty cool, and smart and sure of herself- or at least I thought so. At one point Guesthouse started showing signs that she was interested in me. I was confused because at first she was definitely not interested in me and I had backed off and moved on. Anyway, we hung out and as mutual interest grew we went out a lot. Things were looking up."

"One weekend we went on a hike. I was a total pansy which was quite embarrassing, nonetheless, things went well enough (I think?) The next morning I sent a text sort of apologizing about being a pansy. I don't remember what I said but I know I was hoping for some reassurance or a 'hey, don't worry about it.' I don't remember the response specifically but it was essentially a concerned and questioning 'are you on drugs?'. In a panic, I tried to salvage it and said something like "I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes." At the thought of things becoming any more serious, Guesthouse freaked out and blasted my phone with dozens of reasons, excuses and a sudden change of mind that shut the idea of us being together down completely. Some of the reasons were fair, others were total baloney. It was a lost cause, and eventually, I conceded to defeat. It was pretty awkward for a while after that, but time and space heal and I'm very glad we're still friends and things worked out the way they have. P.S., congrats on the engagement to my best friend who I vented to the most about all of that." 

There you go. Most of that is... pretty accurate, but here's my side of things. And uhh Puffer, if you're reading this, I'm sorry? 

I went out with Puffer a lot through high school because he asked me out a lot and I was under the impression you weren't allowed to say no. I had fun when we did stuff, so it wasn't really a problem to go out with him, but I wasn't actually interested in seriously dating him. When senior year rolled around and I applied and got into BYU, my mom started telling me I should be dating people to get real relationship experience (because she didn't want me to get married to the first person I dated seriously in college which... is exactly what I'm doing.) I guess I took her seriously even though I thought her advice was dumb, and since Puffer was the only one really consistently asking me out I figured I'd give it a try. I looked for reasons to like him and tried to imagine being in a relationship with him... which is probably when he started seeing signs that I was interested... because I was like... trying to be interested? Anyway, it sort of worked and I kind of liked him for a bit. Also, he took me to the Coldplay concert so like, how could I not at least sort of like him? But at the same time, it always felt kind of awkward and unnatural, especially when he had me sit and listen to him sing in his basement one time. I hate being serenaded. What are you supposed to do? SIT THERE and stare at them??? Weird. 

In any case, it was around this time that we went on that hike he mentioned. And I love hiking, so it definitely was kinda annoying to have to take breaks really frequently (granted, he had valid reasons to stop, but I still thought it was lame.) When we got to the top of the hike, it was really chilly and windy and I was kind of cold, so he did what any awkward teenager who is interested in a girl would do, and he put his arm around me. At that precise moment, I was exceptionally uncomfortable and it was very clear to me that I didn't want to actually date him. Again, it felt unnatural and awkward and forced to me, and that's not how good relationships feel. I sat there and tried not to make it obvious how uncomfortable I was (which... I think I failed because I felt very tense) and I tried to give us a reason to leave pretty quickly. 

I talked to my girlfriends about it that night, and told them I didn't actually like him like I thought I did, and they told me I should probably let him know, even though it was stupid to have created this situation in the first place by 'faking it' to try to do what my mom said I should do. Him texting me the next day isn't what sparked my response - I would have sent it anyway. I basically told him I didn't actually want to be in a relationship, and he's right... a lot of my reasons WERE baloney, but that's because I didn't really want to hurt his feelings by telling him that I felt really uncomfortable when he tried to show any level of affection. Instead most of my reasons had something to do with how old we were, or school, or our friend group, or being scared of drama.... whatever else. 

Puffer talked all of his heartaches out with Pebble... at the same time, Pebble started spending more time with me and my girlfriends. Eventually, Puffer went on his mission and I think that that helped him let go because he had other big things to focus on. After he left, Pebble and I started dating, and now we're getting married! But it's all just as well, because we all still hang out and it's kind of a funny joke sometimes in the friend group. There are no hard feelings and I'm glad that it worked out as well as it did. 

 

TL;DR - I freaked out when things got more serious and gave bogus reasons to avoid commitment, and then started dating his best friend, who I am now engaged to. True story. 

I hope you enjoyed reading it. 

Cheers, 

Guesthouse ☾☀

A:

Dirt,

Lolz. None of them would call me their ex. I know it makes me sound bonkers, but hey. If I took them seriously and I dated them a lot and it felt like an event when it ended, I call it a breakup. 

I'm guessing the most recent one calls it a nice fling with an average kisser. 

Babalugats

A:

Dear Dirt,

"Wow, Goldie Rose? I haven't talked to her since I blocked her on all social media outlets four years ago. She told me over the phone that the spirit told her to break up with me. She assured me that she wasn't seeing anyone else, but since she was at BYU I didn't believe her. It came out of nowhere because we were trying to figure out how I could live closer to her. I was even flying in to visit her that upcoming week. I didn't cancel the flight and saw my grandparents instead."

All true. I got home from my mission and we started to text again when he came to my homecoming. (After he Dear Janed me halfway through.) The Spirit told me from the very beginning that it wasn't a good idea to date him but I ignored it. He was going to fly out to BYU to see me as he still lived in California. Finally a week before he was going to fly out, I dropped it on him that I didn't think it was a good idea. It was really awkward since we both wanted it to work out, but life wasn't syncing up properly. But I'm really glad I broke up with him, we weren't as compatible as I thought. He actually got married five months before I did which was surprising. 

Life Lesson: Listen to the spirit the first time around. It will save you a whole lot of heartache.

-Goldie Rose

A:

Dear soil,

"He was clingy, but at the same time, I didn't treat him well at all, and I regret that. ...But we were kids and didn't know what we were doing, and we've both grown and changed since then. I don't really think of him as an ex."

Funny you should ask, really. My opportunity to answer this question (after some years of wondering it myself) came just this semester when 2E, of all people, moved into my ward, of all wards. The first Sunday of the semester was, in a word, awkward.

But it was a good conversation. We've both moved on, more or less, and to hear her frankly apologize for her part in the way things ended between us actually provided an enormous amount of emotional closure that I hadn't realized I desperately needed. I can't promise this first-person rendering of what she said is verbatim, but having just had this very conversation with her about a month ago, this is pretty darn close.

Pensively,

9S