I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. –Jack Handey

Hey you! We've got some big news! For the full rundown, check out Board Question #90641, but the short version is that we're changing our URL! As of Monday, November 13th, the 100 Hour Board you know and love will now be found at 100hourboard.org. Be sure to update your bookmarks so you don't miss a thing!

Posted on 04/20/2018 12:40 a.m. New Correction on: #91164 Ok crew, this one's a toughie. I'm looking for a specific book. I checked it out ...
Thursday, April 19, 2018
Question #91171 posted on 04/19/2018 9:12 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I love singing but at best I am mediocre. I often sing in the ward choir, and can't quite hold my own, but if I hold onto the voice next to me I'm not too shabby 3/4 of the time. I feel like I have potential, but I don't know where to go from here. I've heard (from here on the board) that MUSIC 111R is a good option, but I might not be able to make that work.

What else can I do to improve my singing? I mean, I could just pick songs and try to sing them, but I feel like without guidelines or instruction I'll feel a little aimless and not improve, and maybe give up. I'm not opposed to the idea of occasional private lessons, but how/where do I find one (a good one that preferably doesn't cost too much)? Or besides that, what other things could I do or turn to?

-Songbird

A:

Birdie,

I almost said you can improve on your own, but Anathema changed my mind. You can improve very basic things but for anything like Anathema describes you will need a teacher. If you're pitchy I think you can improve that with a friend, a piano, and learning harmonies. A lot of people get pitch confusion when they're hearing competing lines. I think you can improve on that by having a friend give you your note, then adding other notes while you sing yours. When you're good at that you can start doing whole phrases. Breathing and projecting could probably be improved with Youtube. But things like tonality, open sounding high notes, emoting, projecting etc will require instruction. Thumbtack is an app that connects you to teachers who kind of submit bids to you and you pick. You can find pretty cheap rates there, but keep in mind that anyone can sign up. I liked it as a passive convenient way to reach out to potential piano students. Facebook Marketplace is a good one too. 

Babalugats

A:

Dear Songbird,

I'm similar to you, in that I love to sing but I don't have the greatest voice. I took Music 111R in the hope that it would help me improve, and while it was definitely a useful class, it didn't provide a great deal of individual instruction like I had hoped for. Private lessons are likely going to be the best option, and at BYU where there are so many talented people, you should hopefully be able to find something that doesn't break the bank.

At BYU specifically, you could probably ask around your ward, maybe starting with the ward choir director or anyone else you know who is interested in music, because there's a good chance they'll know someone willing to give lessons. If that doesn't work, you could probably put up an advertisement in the HFAC somewhere and find some interested students.

Outside the BYU community, you could visit local theater establishments and inquire there. The internet is always an option as well, and one that might require less work from you in order to find a suitable teacher.

Love,

Luciana

A:

Dear Bluebird,

At the end of the summer directly before my senior year of high school, I tried to improve my singing. I recorded my voice, and worked on all the things I heard that were not very good. After about a month of this, I felt like I had improved quite a lot. In reality, I didn't. I had no idea what the right things to look for were, or how to physically change the way I sang to put less stress on my vocal cords while going into higher registers. I simply didn't have the right knowledge to be able to get significantly better.

Soon after beginning that year of high school, instead of just trying to improve on my lonesome, I got into private voice lessons. These lessons are what raised my skill level in singing from being okay to being good. Now, I'm not nearly at professional status or anything, and there are many people even just here on the Board who are much better than I am, but I do have an above average voice (actually, after hearing me sing solos in church, I've had several people assume I'm a music major; it's funny to see their faces when I tell them I do math instead). 

After taking private voice lessons for a year, I also took Music 111R about a year ago. It was fun, and I think I got a bit better at singing, but I didn't notice any drastic changes like I did with the lessons. 

So, if you want to truly get better at singing, my advice would be to get into private lessons. 

~Anathema


0 Corrections
Question #91131 posted on 04/19/2018 5:54 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What were some of your favorite moments from this General Conference?
I felt like this was one for the books for sure.

-Guesthouse

A:

Dear you,

Some of my favorite moments were:

  • Sustaining the new Apostles and President Nelson
  • Seeing multiple people that I know perform in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
  • Creating one big Elder's Quorum
  • Feeling the Spirit
  • Being with my daughter for her first conference

-Sunday Night Banter

A:

Dear Guesthouse,

My ultimate favorite moment from this General Conference was having minnow here. My second favorite moment was attending the afternoon Saturday session of Conference with him. 

And then I have to admit that we spent the morning Saturday session traveling on the frontrunner, priesthood session getting dinner, and Sunday introducing minnow to my various roommates and friends in Provo. So admittedly I still need to read most of the talks. However, I will share one thing I thought was absolutely amazing:

29790776_10155429768268499_6099506636898597361_n.jpg(credit goes to a friend's random Facebook post)

-guppy of doom

A:

Dear GH,

General Conference was so good. Writing this answer has made me realize how much I need to go back and read the talks because even though conference was so spiritually uplifting I've already forgotten pretty much all of it. There were however, two talks that were especially meaningful to me.

  1. Meek and Lowly of Heart by Elder Bednar
  2. Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives by Elder Nelson

I can't tell you how much these talks impacted me (partially because I can't put a coherent sentence together, but that's beside the point). I walked away from conference with a feeling like I could do this and that the Lord would be there to help me when I fall. I highly recommend reading these talks and all of the other talks. Conference is basically the best. Hope this helps.

Peace,

Tipperary

A:

Dear Guesthouse,

This Conference was fantastic! I was THRILLED about the new apostles. The talks were great. My mission president got called as a 70. Also, I love President Nelson. I have a thing for old men where I just think they're all really cute, and it maybe seems inappropriate to refer to the prophet as "adorable," but that's the adjective I most want to use to describe President Nelson! He's so adorable! I've had the privilege of meeting him before, and he's truly one of the sweetest, most loving men I've ever met, and I could just see that love and humility and faith emanating from his face during Conference.

-Alta


0 Corrections
Question #91032 posted on 04/19/2018 5:52 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I'm a guy, and I'm glad to be a guy... but I also think I have much more of a feminine side than a lot of other guys. I feel like in many situations, I relate much better with girls. In fact, I relate with them so much that a while ago I briefly wondered if I was attracted to guys. I almost immediately realized that no, I am not attracted to guys. Definitely just girls.

That being said, there's a part of me that's really jealous of girls. When I see a girl in really cute clothes, I don't only feel attracted to her, I also just... like her clothes. And it's frustrating because I feel like girls have so many more cute, fun options for outfits and accessories that I don't have as a guy. And also, I kind of don't just want more options, I would like THOSE cute options. I'm also jealous of cute hairstyles... relationships and closeness girls have with each other... even their bodies and female body parts and physiological experiences (such as how they experience pleasure). There's a part of me that really wants to be pretty. That just wants to be a girl.

It's not that I want to be trans, because there are definitely things I like about being a guy and I do prefer it and I do believe that my spirit is male. But it's frustrating when I have these feelings and desires and elements of my personality that I can't and/or won't ever have or experience.

I'm honestly not totally sure what my question is, but it does feel good to write this out to someone. I guess my question is, what should I do about it? How can I feel happy and fulfilled with what I have and am?

Thank you!

-Me

A:

Dear You,

I just want to say that it's okay to feel that way. It doesn't make you a bad person, and it's okay to like what you like. It's also okay to be really into fashion, even if what you like is not typically masculine. Wear the clothes that make you feel good.

If this is causing you distress, you might consider talking to a therapist. Not because you're broken, but just because they can help you work through some of your feelings. If you're a BYU student, the Counseling Center is completely free and confidential. 

-Alta

A:

Dear person,

This answer is intended to be entirely informational. If what I say seems unhelpful/irrelevant/redundant to your existing knowledge, please feel free to ignore it. 

Some people prefer an androgynous gender expression instead of a definitively masculine or feminine one. That doesn't have to mean anything about their gender identity.

With regard to gender identity, not everyone identifies as either cisgender or transgender. For example, some people identify as non-binary or having multiple genders or as being partway between genders. Sometimes learning about different labels can help people to put words to their experience. I am not sure where the best places are to read but here is a good Wikipedia article about genderqueer identities if you are interested in learning more. Additionally, on the right under the flag there is a non-comprehensive list of some specific gender identities if you'd like to read more (also, there are many more than what the Wikipedia list says).  

-Sheebs

A:

Dear friend,

I totally identify with your question. For the most part, men's fashion is just... boring. Like, a well-cut suit is snazzy and all, but where's the fun in that? Where are the cool colors, cuts, and fabrics? If you look at menswear internationally and historically, the options certainly open up, but Western stuff is sorta meh. Sure, some guys can dress really snazzy, but it seems to be all variations of pants, shirts, jackets... you know. Women seem to have more hair options. I occasionally see guys with long hair, but it's difficult to pull off—we can't all be Fabio.

There's also a weird double-standard with who can wear whose clothes—it's cool and stylish when women dress in menswear, but it's pretty stigmatized for a guy to dress with women's clothing. Also, because of the way it's styled and cut, when I do see it happen, it doesn't really seem to work as well. 

Three things I don't like about women's fashion, though: Weird shoes. Purses. No pockets. For the love of all that is portable, why?!?

You said you don't want to be trans, that's fine and I respect that. On a semi-related note I recently enjoyed reading a Time article about trans people in America who compared their experiences—including those with sexism—as men and women. You may find it interesting.

Particularly relevant to our topic is this discussion of male and female friendships.

Most trans men [the author] spoke to also identified another commonality: Once they transitioned, walking became easier, but talking became harder. To be more specific: walking home after dark felt easier, casually talking to babies, strangers and friends felt harder.

“I have to be very careful to not be staring at kids,” says Gardner. “I can look at a mom and her baby, but I can’t look for too long. I miss being seen as not a threat.” Ditto for kids on the playground and puppies, multiple guys said.

And to a man, everyone said they’d experienced a moment when they were walking at night behind a woman, and suddenly realized that she was walking faster or clutching her purse because she was scared.

“If I start to get too close, I can feel her fear, I can feel that she’s getting upset,” says Milan. “And it’s really just an indication of how dangerous this world is for women.”

Some other notes on relationships:

Many white trans men said they felt it was easier to walk through the world, freed from the myriad expectations placed on women.

“As a female I felt I had to smile all the time, just to be accepted,” James Gardner said. “As a male I don’t feel a sense of having to be pleasant to look at.”

Many also noticed a shift in their friendships after they transitioned, with some struggling to make friends with cisgender men, unsure of the social cues of male friendship.

“I’m still trying to figure out all of the different secret codes that guys use to talk to each other and to make friendships,” says Mitchell Davis. “But I still I don’t know what the language is. I don’t know what that punch on the arm meant.” He says he doesn’t know what a close male friendship looks like, only that it probably looks different than a close female friendship.

I find myself wanting to have stronger platonic friendships with women, including married women, because just because they got married doesn't mean I don't care any more about what happens in their life, or stop enjoying their company, but as a guy I find this challenging without feeling like my intentions are regarded as suspect. It might be less a construct of maleness and more one of culture—anecdotally, I feel like the married women I know who aren't Mormon are easier to befriend, just more, I dunno, friendly. But maybe it's all in my head. 

In the end, am I glad I'm a guy? Generally (partly because periods sound lame/excruciating). But are there some cool things physiologically, stylistically, and culturally about being a woman? Also. 

In the end, I don't have any solid advice about what to do other than what Sheebs and Alta have already said, but thanks for writing in. I know I appreciated it.

-a writer, a friend


0 Corrections
Question #91174 posted on 04/19/2018 3:18 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Between the Sunday sessions of General Conference there was a video of President Nelson that BYUTV aired. We missed it, but I would really like to see it. Is there some place to find it?

-Momma Chubbs

A:

Dear Momma,

I looked through all the recorded shows on BYUTV and couldn't find it, but I did find this video of President Nelson by KSL News. It matches your description so I think this is probably the video you're looking for. Enjoy!

Peace,

Tipperary


0 Corrections
Question #91087 posted on 04/19/2018 2:30 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Have you been following the story of the LDS women who said in 1984 Joseph Bishop, then president of Provo MTC sexually assaulted her when she was a missionary in the MTC? She went to talk to Joseph Bishop and recorded their two hour conversation. I've heard that she gave the audio file to MormonLeaks, but I've also heard that it was leaked without her permission. On Tuesday the 20th, the church gave a statement about this.

Thoughts? Why are there people who are victim-shaming her/saying we can't believe her because she isn't a 100% perfect Molly Mormon? Did the church do enough when she reported it to Elder Asay or her stake president? What should the church have done? What should they do next? Did this shake your faith?

PDF here: https://mormonleaks.io/wiki/index.php?title=File:2017-Joseph_L_Bishop-Transcript.pdf

Audio file here: https://mormonleaks.io/wiki/index.php?title=File:2017-Joseph_L_Bishop-Audio.mp3

Church statement: https://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/statement-former-mission-president-alleged-abuse-joseph-l-bishop-march-2018

Personally, reading the transcript leaves me fairly convinced that Joseph Bishop sexually assaulted at least two women. Every organization has people who do bad things, so although I'm sad about that, I'm not shocked. However, I am surprised that Joseph Bishop continued getting callings with such authority, and I am concerned that the church has done so little about this. I realize that they might not count this transcript as proof, but I also know people who felt like they were subject to disciplinary councils/sent home from missions/released from callings without any proof. To me, this looks like like the church plays favorites, and those who have "higher" callings get punished lightly.


-BYU Student

A:

Dear student,

To be honest, I was tempted to ask this very question myself. I've been following this story since it first came out. I may not be the best person to write a response because I have very, very strong feelings about this. But I've been sharing this story with all my friends, so I guess sharing my thoughts and feelings on here isn't that different.

First off, I am extremely upset with MormonLeaks for releasing this without her permission. While the topic of sexual assault and abuse in the Church does need to be addressed, it should not come at the expense of the victims. Sexual abuse is disgusting and horrifying but to destroy a victim's reputation and possibly her life is not the price we should pay to end this abuse. We are better than this.

[Update]

I do not understand people who victim shame this woman. First off, if you were sexually abused, would you be the same rational person you were before the abuse? Of course not! We know this woman was sexually abused by her father as a child. To then be sexually abused by a spiritual leader you trusted—I would be shocked if she was a 100% perfect Molly Mormon.

Second off, and most importantly, it doesn't matter. We have a tape with Bishop admitting in his own words to sexually abusing women. This isn't a he said/she said. This is a he admitted himself to sexually abusing women. Victim shaming is not going to change anything that he said. I don't care if she was completely off the wall crazy. Bishop admitted to sexually abusing women. 

And more and more evidence is coming forward to support her claims (Which again, aren't just her claims, but are Bishop's admissions). Bishop, while he has not admitted to raping this woman, did tell the police he had asked her to reveal herself to him. Considering in the tape he asked the victim if she had a breast enhancement (to which she laughed and said she had no breasts when she was 21) makes me think Bishop got this victim confused with another girl whom he asked to reveal herself to him. In addition, the victim said Bishop took her to his basement room with a bed and TV when he raped her, and a former MTC employee has confirmed the existence of this room. Furthermore, this woman reported this abuse to her bishop in 1984. When asked if he reported the abuse, the bishop said he did not, as  “I didn't think it had much credence. I wasn't going to risk sullying the reputation of someone based on that kind of a report."

Why are people victim shaming her? Because cognitive dissonance is hard to bear. Because it's a lot easier to blame the woman than to say, "This could have been me. This could have been my daughter." It's so much easier to deny this than to accept that an MTC president sexually abused multiple women and that sexual abuse is more common in the Church than we would like to think. It's so much easier to highlight the fact that this woman was a "former Church member" who "served briefly as a missionary" whose story, compared to Bishop's (excluding the fact he admitted it on tape), is "not surprisingly, ...dramatically different." It's so much easier to drag this woman's name through the mud than to acknowledge that, like most organizations, we have a sexual abuse problem that needs to be addressed.

When it comes to what the Church did—well, you can imagine what I think. Instead, I'll share a good thought from my dad. He expressed that the Church may not have known about any of this, especially as we now know the bishop she reported it to didn't pass it on. When it comes to what they've currently said, my dad pointed out that that's probably the PR department doing what a PR department is paid to do—save their organization's reputation. We don't necessarily know if any of the apostles were involved in this. We also don't know if the Church has been taking actions to stop it ("Don't judge too quickly," as my dad told me).

My opinion of what they should have done? Apologize. While I am upset with Bishop, my fight is not with him. It's with the organization that is attempting to protect him. As my dad said, every organization has three powerful groups: Public Relations, lawyers, and financial. Likely the PR department is arguing that acknowledging this sexual abuse would blacken the Church's name, lawyers are pointing out that acknowledging this would make it easier to people to bring up and win lawsuits against the Church, and the financial section is arguing that acknowledging this will increase the monetary costs the Church will have to pay to victims and to change the system to protect against future abuse. Standing up against these three groups is going to be hard. But it is the right thing to do. 

What should they do next? There are several articles discussing this, and I love many of their ideas. But I think the first thing is to take responsibility. To acknowledge the faults in the system and attempt to fix them. To apologize for not acting earlier.

To be extremely honest, it did shake my faith. However, I completely understand how it could not for people (and I'm not talking about the people who are victim shaming, I'm talking about aware people whose hearts hurt for the women abused). The Church is organized of men. Much as James Madison said of government, if men were angels, no churches would be necessary. The Church has been imperfect since the beginning due to fallible people and some untrustworthy people. Again, I don't want anyone to walk away from this saying, "I still believe in the Church, it looks like guppy thinks I'm a horrible person." Because I'm not. I completely understand how people separate the corporate/organizational side of the Church and the spiritual side of the Church. This experience says nothing about the gospel of Jesus Christ. But it does highlight changes the Church needs to make if it wants to protect victims and let victims feel as if they are being heard, not denied and ignored.

As this goes forward, I think our attention needs to turn from this woman and Bishop and to the Church's words and actions. I am truly sorry for this woman and even for Bishop for throwing this into the public spotlight, because both of their lives, and likely that of their families, are going to be picked apart and publicly ruined. If the Church had the proper institutions set up to protect victims, Bishop would have privately been released from these callings, his victims would have received the proper attention and help, we would have fewer victims today, and Bishop's conscience could be a lot cleaner. If you listened to the recording, Bishop is constantly apologizing and saying he shouldn't have been in those situations. It doesn't excuse his actions, but it does show that, if the Church properly addressed sexual assault, so many people, including the abuser himself, would have been so much better off.

It's high time the health and acknowledgement of victims became more important than our reputation.

-guppy of doom

Update: I finished this answer this morning, and this evening the Church released an updated statement that another woman, who had also been assaulted by Bishop in the 1980s, reported Bishop in 2010. In 2010. And it went to Bishop's leaders, who asked Bishop, who denied it, so the whole thing was dropped. And the Church knew about this when they released their first statement backing Bishop's story. I'm not going to change what I've written, because it certainly doesn't change the disgust and horror I already feel, and I can guarantee more evidence and statements are going to be released that show exactly what that woman reported in 1984, and it's taken this much to write coherently instead of angrily ranting. But I just want to plead with everyone out there: please believe women. Please believe women when they tell you they've been sexually assaulted.

A:

Dear Student,

My heart is so broken about this. The transcript is so heart-wrenching, and to me it looks so much like two people who are both just trying so hard to reach some closure. And the fact that the Church, which is supposed to help us as we strive to follow Christ, actually sort of impeded that for both of them, is so sad. It's obvious how the Church didn't do right by her, but reading through the transcript, they didn't do right by him, either. If someone had approached him all the years ago that she was talking about this, he would have had the opportunity back then to really truly repent. And the Church didn't do right by all the other women he was able to victimize, and all the other women who have been victimized by Church leaders who nobody will believe or do anything about. And that is heartbreaking. 

The problem is, a lot of this comes down to what individual leaders do. Maybe if her bishop had believed her all those years ago, instead of dismissing her concerns, that would have helped. Maybe if Elder Asay had talked to him after hearing about this woman's story. Maybe if a bunch of individual people had broken out of their conditioning to implicitly trust priesthood leaders, this would have panned out differently. I believe in the gospel, and I believe in the Church, but it's clear that at least on an individual level, the principles of the gospel weren't upheld in this case, and the Church's system isn't fail-proof. That doesn't mean the gospel isn't true, or that leaders can't be inspired, just that imperfect people can still find ways to do terrible things.

It also saddens me that the Church's response has been to question the credibility of the woman in order to protect their reputation (subtly casting doubt on her story because she went home from her mission early, or because she has since left the Church). Why couldn't they instead have questioned the responses of all the people who knew about this and did nothing? I don't know why the woman had to be the one under scrutiny here. I don't know why as a society we're only willing to believe women who are the "perfect" victims—nothing that could be interpreted as even remotely scandalous in her life, but also upset about what happened to her, and willing to speak up, but better not wait too long to do it, but also even if she does speak up right away, it all comes down to who she's accusing, nice but not a pushover, stands up for herself but not mean, etc etc etc. If we truly want to end sexual abuse, we all have a responsibility to believe women even if their attacker isn't someone we would have pegged as an attacker, or even if we personally don't understand the way that they have dealt with the effects of being abused. 

With all that said, I don't think the Church in and of itself was trying to play favorites here. I think certain individuals certainly messed up in how they handled the situation, and that now the Church is trying to cover itself, but like guppy says, that's what legal teams do. I also think that because we're immersed in a culture that often doesn't believe women, it can be hard for people to realize that that's what they're doing, because it just seems like the norm. That's not to say that that's okay, just that people aren't necessarily trying to be malicious when they discredit women, just being sort of ignorant about their own implicit biases. 

-Alta

A:

Dear person,

Guppy touched on this, but here is an article that discusses more thoroughly the psychology of victim-blaming. Essentially, people blame victims because it allows them to keep believing that they have control over their own safety. 

As for my reaction, I am very sad that (likely) so very many women suffered at the hands of this predator. I'm also angry at the church's response. Similar to many other organizations in society, I believe fundamental and pervasive institutional and cultural changes are necessary. It is not okay that women's experiences of sexual assault are so often discounted and invalidated.

However, I think the church has even tougher challenges than many other institutions due to its leadership structure and certain cultural beliefs. We cannot attribute all potential for abuse to individuals like Joseph Bishop (as LDS people are prone to do due to a strong belief in individual accountability) when tremendous power differentials between priesthood leaders and vulnerable children, women, and men are inherent within the system. In other words, while the existence of predators is necessary for the occurrence of sexual assault, I don't think it is the sole and sufficient condition. These predatory individuals thrive more in some contexts than they do in others.

This all makes me sad because it makes me think about the unavoidability of power differentials in certain relationships (such as between parents and children) in general. Bad people are everywhere, and the vulnerability of human beings is terrifying to me. I hate the abusers who take advantage of it. 

I wish the culture of the church (and society more broadly) placed a greater value on empathy and sensitivity toward the needs and protection of the vulnerable. I think such a value is at the real heart of the teachings of Jesus Christ. While I think this is important for all demographics, I believe it is especially pertinent for boys and men as they are the ones who end up in positions of power. I think many are ignorant of the institutional vulnerability of women within the context of the LDS church and culture.  

-Sheebs


0 Corrections
Question #91077 posted on 04/19/2018 2:30 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I'm looking for the name of the movie/tv show with this scene in it. I can't quite place it.

The scene: one of the lead characters is sent to prison. He decides that he has to beat up the biggest and meanest guy in the prison to earn respect. So, in the cafeteria, he whacks the biggest guy in the prison over the head. The big guy says something like "Ow! What was that for? That wasn't very nice." It turns out he's actually pretty docile.

I feel like it might be from Family Guy, but I'm not sure. Could you help me find out what show this scene is from? And, if appropriate, provide a link to a clip?

-Mysterious Stranger

A:

Dear Mysterious,

I thought this might be Brooklyn 99 when Jake gets sent to jail, but it turns out his situation is the opposite—he tries to make friends with someone, but the guy actually says he's going to stab him if he gets too close. 

And alas, none of my googling turned up anything, I'm sorry. It looks like it's not Family Guy, either, though.

As a consolation, though, from that Brooklyn 99 episode I mentioned above (season 5 episode 1), Jake's cellmate is a mild-mannered cannibal, and they have this whole hilarious exchange ("You eat nine people and suddenly they 'don't know who you are anymore'" and "If we go by what I'm most passionate about, I would actually call myself a woodworker.")

-Alta


0 Corrections
Posted on 04/19/2018 2:23 p.m. New Correction on: #91098 My roommate and I went to see Single Wide last Saturday evening. (By the way it's ...
Question #91170 posted on 04/19/2018 1:30 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I recently moved to a nice city with lots of fun things to do--museums, parks, arcades, etc. In an ideal world, I would be trying out one of these interesting activities a few times a month with my friends and/or as dates with my boyfriend.

However, my desire to go do stuff with my friends and loved ones frequently ends up getting in the way of me actually getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things I'm interested in, due to scheduling issues (there's always the one friend who has to work weekends) or simply lack of interest (I occasionally enjoy baseball games; I'm pretty sure no one else in my local friend group does). Many times it seems like my entire social network would rather stay in and watch Netflix any time I suggest doing something like going out (bearing in mind that I'm only trying to get outside my comfort zone like, once a week. The rest of the nights I'm totally okay with just chilling at home!)

All of this is to say, how do I get comfortable with going out to explore the city/do fun activities by myself, without anyone to share the experience with?

-The Lonely Adult

A:

Dear Lonely,

There's a quote by Richard G. Scott that I love, where he says, "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become." You may be asking how this is applicable to your situation, but I interpret this quote to mean that the only way we accomplish our goals is to just try doing them. It might take some time before you actually feel comfortable doing stuff by yourself, but the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll eventually feel. It might also help if you try to meet people while you're out and about on your own, and make new connections and friendships with the people you meet. The good thing about doing stuff by yourself is you get to make your own schedule and decide who to talk with, so it could be a really cool opportunity for meeting new people, and then you would have friends who also like doing stuff in the city!

Then again, maybe you'll try doing stuff by yourself for a while and you'll never really like it. That's okay, too. Maybe you could try to reach some sort of compromise where you don't go do stuff with your friends every single week, but once a month or something. Once a week may not seem like a lot to you, but it could be overwhelming for someone else, so try to start small, and maybe eventually you can increase the frequency.

This sounds like a hard situation to be in, but hang in there, friend. Things will work out eventually.

-Alta

A:

Dear LA,

In my experience, the more you do things by yourself, the more comfortable you'll feel. The first time I went to a table service restaurant by myself, I felt totally awkward and self-conscious. Now I can do it and feel confident, because I've grown accustomed to the situation. I've learned to enjoy my own company and the experiences I'm able to have by treating myself to fun and interesting things alone.

That being said, there are definitely experiences that might feel more meaningful with company or a different perspective. When I went to see Black Panther, I really enjoyed myself, but I also found myself wishing I could have seen it with someone African-American, because that would be an entirely different perspective on the film than mine (that thought also got me missing Yossarian, but that's an entirely different can of worms).

However, just because you experience something at different times than your friends and loved ones doesn't mean you can't discuss the experience together. If you have a relative who enjoys baseball as much as you do, you can always call them and ask what they think about a recent game. If your friend who works weekends goes to see a play on a different night than you, you could still get together and discuss your thoughts. You could start a book club, and get together once a month without even needing to leave the apartment.

If none of those options work well for you, then I also find enjoyment in evaluating my own thoughts and experiences in depth, usually in writing. If I visit a museum or see a movie that particularly impacts me, I'll write about it in my journal, contemplating my own thoughts and exploring various perspectives as best I can. This helps me feel as though I've experienced that specific thing to the best of my ability, regardless of whether I experienced it alone.

Love,

Luciana


0 Corrections
Posted on 04/19/2018 1:11 p.m. New Correction on: #91164 Ok crew, this one's a toughie. I'm looking for a specific book. I checked it out ...
Posted on 04/19/2018 12:13 p.m. New Correction on: #91172 I was taking a walk today and I passed by the Provo Amtrak station. I’ve noticed ...
Posted on 04/19/2018 12:13 p.m. New Correction on: #91164 Ok crew, this one's a toughie. I'm looking for a specific book. I checked it out ...
Posted on 04/19/2018 12:13 p.m. New Correction on: #91164 Ok crew, this one's a toughie. I'm looking for a specific book. I checked it out ...
Posted on 04/19/2018 12:12 p.m. New Correction on: #91133 I heard a rumor that President Nelson is a vegetarian but I haven't seen any real ...
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
Question #91172 posted on 04/18/2018 8:06 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I was taking a walk today and I passed by the Provo Amtrak station. I’ve noticed it before but never really thought much of it. I am curious though. Does Amtrak even come to Provo? If not, when did it stop coming? The station looks decently well-kept.

-Mags

A:

Dear Mags,

The last time I took Amtrak from Provo was in July of 2016, but as of that date, it was still operating. Some basic Googling gives me no indication that the station has closed, so I'm assuming you could still catch a train there if you really wanted to. It's a very small station, and the train only stops there for about 3 minutes, but there's a bigger station in Salt Lake and I've caught the train from there as well.

But let me tell you, you don't want to take Amtrak. Taking the train is not the most pleasant experience I've ever hadthe train from Provo to my hometown takes about 17 hours and it doesn't pick up in Provo until the late evening, so you're stuck in an uncomfortable seat overnight. And the train is full of weird people, like poor little college Luciana who was too poor to afford to fly home. It's better if you have a friend there with you, because otherwise some of those weird people will sit by you and ask what your horoscope sign is, or try to hit on you even though you have headphones in and are blatantly looking in the other direction.

Love,

Luciana


1 Correction
Question #91098 posted on 04/18/2018 7:19 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

My roommate and I went to see Single Wide last Saturday evening. (By the way it's lovely, everyone should go.) We sat in the Pardoe theater in H9 & H10 next to two very charming gentlemen in H7 & H8 who laughed at our stupid asides we made during every applause. We didn't talk to them, and totally regret it. We're in despair. Any ideas of how we can track down these gents? This seems like the perfect time to utilize the "BYU Crushes," FBook page, but it's not in existence anymore. You're our last hope!

- Determined Detectives

A:

Dear Detectives,

Hopefully they read the Board. Unfortunately, even if they do read the Board, them knowing you asked this doesn’t help because both groups are still anonymous. You could always pull a Prince Charming and go tell your asides to every fair lad in the kingdom to find the mystery men from the show. Pretty much anything is a long shot here, but maybe if you keep going to musicals and hope they show you’ll see them again. It’s a small world after all. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Peace,

Tipperary


1 Correction
Question #91164 posted on 04/18/2018 1:45 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Ok crew, this one's a toughie.

I'm looking for a specific book. I checked it out from the fifth floor of the BYU library a couple of years ago.

I originally found it through an online search on the library site while I was researching William Wordsworth and other Romantic poets and their connection to ghosts and hauntings. I've been doing every search I can think of online and can't find it again! Unfortunately I am not near the BYU library now, but I was hoping I could find it just so I could have the title and look for it elsewhere.

Some details:
-I believe that some version of the word "Victorian" was in the title.
-The title also contained a span of years (eg. 1732-1889. It wasn't those years. I just remember it had years like that listed on the cover.)
-The cover had a black and white picture on the front, I think of a city of village, and then a purple bar (I believe at the bottom) with the title on it.
-The book was a scholarly review of the role that ghosts played in the Victorian age. Some of the chapters talked about how women could use ghostly appearances as proof to uphold their accusations of violence or promiscuity against their husbands. Their word alone was not enough to accuse their husbands, but if a ghostly apparition had visited them or their friend, that counted as weighty evidence.
-The book also went into the history of seances and Ouija boards, and talked about how contacting spirits was not the dark, scary thing that we make it out to be today. Rather, Ouija boards were popular activities for courting couples because the game gave them a legitimate reason to sit close to one another and touch hands.

Thanks in advance!

-The Pagemaster

A:

Dear Pagemaster,

I was spending my boring less intensive class looking on HBLL's website, but I couldn't find a book matching your description. (Great description, by the way! I'm impressed you remembered that much.) Unfortunately, now that that class is over and finals are rapidly approaching, I won't be able to give this question the proper attention. So instead of holding it over for two hundred more hours, we'll make a competition out of this! Readers, you have all proven yourselves quite skilled at finding obscure facts. So today, on the eighteenth of April, I, the fintastic guppy of doom, declare a competition! Whoever can find this book and add a correction with its title and author will receive a poem about you written by yours truly. To claim your prize, either email me (guppyofdoom@theboard.byu.edu) or ask a question with your name or 'nym and various random facts about yourself, including but not limited to your favorite fish, a catchphrase (yours or one you love), your dream job, and your favorite song. Regardless of when you post the answer and contact me, you will receive your poem after finals, but I can promise that it will be beautiful and worth the wait. In fact, if you give me your address I will mail you your poem, with lovely drawings of fish (which will probably be drawn by my roommate because I have no artistic ability.)

Go forth, readers! May the best googler win!

-guppy of doom


4 Corrections
Posted on 04/18/2018 1:44 p.m. New Correction on: #91163 I love watching german translations of movies that I love in English (mostly Disney movies and ...
Question #91129 posted on 04/18/2018 1:24 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I need some words of encouragement. I feel so discouraged lately and it feels like everything I do is useless and bound to end in failure. I feel like I can’t be a good enough mother, wife, employee, daughter, or friend and I don’t have the energy or motivation to fix it.

-Blah

A:

Dear you,

You seem like a good person. In a leadership class I took a guest lecturer told us "Having moral dilemmas is a good thing. It means that you have morals and that you're in a position of influence." I think your concerns show that you are a caring person that has a positive influence on those around you. Caring for and serving others can be exhausting both physically and emotionally. We have finite capacities and it's important to realize that. 

For example, if you were to run a half marathon everyday with only 4 hours of sleep what do you think would happen to you after a few weeks? You'd probably get exhausted, or sick, or even injured. Sometimes we forget that we are mortal beings with limited time. We can only do so much right now, and that's okay. We are growing, but we are far from perfect. Any one of the roles that you just mentioned is hard so don't be discouraged if you can't give 100% to all of those 5 different roles. I think if you are trying your best and keeping good priorities then you're doing what you need to do.

You asked for words of encouragement, but would it be okay if I share with you a secret to help avoid discouragement? Okay, so, I'd like you to take a look at this graph (inspired by Anathema’s recent graph):

 boardplot.PNG

Which of these three graphs is doing better? The yellow line started off higher but then went low. The red line started off low but went higher. The blue line just stayed in the same spot the whole time. There are plenty of judgments you could make off these graphs; but, before we do I think that it's important to look at the axis. As you can see the x values are only between about 7.85 and 8.4, and the y values are only between 15.6 and 16.9. This graph is only a tiny piece of the big picture. If you zoom this graph out this is what you'd see:

Boardplot1.PNG

The three lines now look very similar because they are the exact same function shifted ever so slightly. When we compare ourselves to others it's easy to get discouraged. We're all on different time lines and comparing ourselves to others is not useful and will only get us down. If you were the yellow line in the first view you might've thought "Things are going down hill. I'm just not as good as the other lines. I can't do this and might as well give up."

Looking at the bigger graph you can see that such comparisons don't make sense. All three functions have their ups and their downs but they are all heading toward infinity. Comparing ourselves to others, or focusing on a very small period of time, gives us a skewed view of where we're at. Life is full of ups and downs and growth takes time. I know not being able to reach our expectations is frustrating, but if we're kind to ourselves and trust in the Lord we'll get to where we need to be and the Lord will take care of the rest.

I hope this helps. I'm really glad you asked this question because I was in need of some motivation as well and seeing all the other writer's answers has been really encouraging to me. You're definitely not the only one with struggles, and neither are you alone in your struggles. As a mother, wife, daughter, employee, and friend you have children, a husband, parents, coworkers, and friends there to support you. You also have us and you always have the Lord. You've got this.

Peace,

Tipperary

A:

Dear Aziraphale,

Let me start off with a super inspirational song/music video by Josh Groban.

Alright, now that you have either listened or are listening to the melodious tones of Josh Groban, let me continue on with giving you encouragement. First of all, those lyrics you're hearing are true: you are loved. And failing does not make you a failure. 

Maybe you can't be as good as you want to be right now. But the fact that you care about doing well is a pretty good indicator that you're a good person. And sometimes that's all that matters.

~Anathema

A:

Dear you,

You are most definitely, sincerely not alone. In fact, I'm not a wife or a mother and I struggle just to be the other things on your list, so without even knowing you, I admire how much more than me you manage to accomplish.

On the note of accomplishment, I've learned that when I feel overwhelmed and when I lack the energy to tackle major tasks, accomplishing anything at all gives me a sense of satisfaction. Simple things like going grocery shopping or taking out the trash mean that I've checked something off my to-do list for the day, therefore even accomplishing one thing is worth celebrating. Even by the act of being an employee or a mother, you accomplish something useful each and every day.

Personally I find satisfaction in knowing I'm not alone in feeling lazy or lacking motivation, so I collect pictures on my phone that remind me it's okay to not be supergirl all the time, as well as photos that inspire me to be a better, more productive person. Here are a few I particularly like:

 

Answer 1.jpg

Answer 4.jpgAnswer 2.jpg

Some of my saved photos are more positive than others, as you can probably tell. But the bottom line is they remind me to take care of myself, and that it's completely, totally okay to have days where I struggle to keep the existential dread away. You're going to have a lot of bad days, and they will often feel overwhelming. I've had lots of bad days lately, and at times it feels like bad days and lonely days and lazy days are all I have. But when I feel that way, I reach out to the people who care about me and they help me get through it, they support me when I don't feel capable of supporting myself.

You're amazing, and you're accomplishing things every day that seem totally overwhelming to me. Things will get better, and you'll get through it. I believe in you.

Love,

Luciana

A:

Dear friend,

It's okay to not be 100% at everything you have to do. In fact, there will probably be few moments where you feel you're doing everything perfect. And that's okay. 

One of my favorite songs to listen to when I'm feeling depressed and overwhelmed is Michael McLean's "Which Part is Mine." It tells the story of a woman who is caught up in raising her children, working, and being a good wife. She finally asks God, "Which part is mine, and which part is yours?" This has really stood out to me lately: God may ask us to do our part, but He recognizes that our part may vary. There are some days where the most we can do is get out of bed, and God can work with that. Often I hold myself to a much higher standard than God does. God only asks us to put in some effort, and He will provide the rest. 

Future success is not dependent only on you. You're not the only one fighting for your children, husband, parents, and friends. You have someone on your side who has infinite love for your friends and family and will never stop fighting for them, and will never stop fighting for you. It is never just you. Your efforts will be multiplied by the thousands by your Father in Heaven. 

You've got the creator of the universe on your side. With His help, everything will be okay.

-guppy of doom

A:

Dear you,

I feel like I can’t be a good enough mother, wife, employee, daughter, or friend and I don’t have the energy or motivation to fix it. 

HELLO!

I am a:

Mother: My baby spends more time watching TV on the couch with mom than is recommended! (Pro tip tho apparently babies aren't supposed to watch like ANY TV and how on earth do they expect newborn babies' mothers to night nurse like that)

Wife: Sometimes takes me multiple days to do certain simple household tasks (*gasp*)! (I will empty the bathroom trash tomorrow...tomorrow...tomorrow...) Also, my husband and I eat pizza at least once a week straight up. 

Employee (barely. Super part time): Sometimes I don't save my work frequently enough and then my job's software crashes! Hooray for re-doing and wasting time with doc recovery!

Daughter: It is theoretically possible that some birthday gifts end up being selected off an Amazon wishlist (so impressive, much thought, wow) or never sent at all!

Friend: Sometimes I totally fail to make sure my good law school friend and I actually have that Skype date we've been meaning to have for weeks!

These aren't huge things, but they're things that probably wouldn't happen in a perfect world.

But guess WHAT! I DON'T LIVE IN A PERFECT WORLD AND NEITHER DO YOU!!! 

So let's break down your feelings into some smaller pieces and go through them.

You feel like you're not doing good enough:

First things first. Some stuff is serious and should cause you serious concern. If you're abusing your spouse, kids, family, or friends, that's serious and you need significant and immediate help to improve NOW. If you're embezzling money from your company, likewise. In such a case, please contact your bishop immediately as step one. However, I'm guessing that you're a lot more like a lot of LDS women: you're doing okay (or even well) at most stuff but you feel like you're not quite enough compared to either other women or your own demands. If that's the case, read on.

Let's do a hypothetical thought train. Do you agree with the following: dangit, if I tried hard enough I would get things right and that means if the outcome wasn't perfect I didn't do "good enough." I think a lot of us can fall into this type of thinking (and Satan's probably pretty happy when we do). As we grow up, we learn about the things that we're good at and about our capacity and how much we can accomplish when we try. So we set up goals for results that need to be achieved that will help us determine whether we did "good enough." 

PRO TIPS FOR LIFE: that's not how it works. How does it work? Here's a super super simple but encouraging metric for "good enough."

"If you will really try and will not rationalize or rebel—repenting often and pleading for grace—you positively are going to be 'good enough.'" In the linked talk, Elder Cornish (who is way wiser than I am so probably just read his whole talk) comments that "We falsely judge our self-worth by the things we do or don’t have and by the opinions of others. If we must compare, let us compare how we were in the past to how we are today—and even to how we want to be in the future. The only opinion of us that matters is what our Heavenly Father thinks of us. Please sincerely ask Him what He thinks of you. He will love and correct but never discourage us; that is Satan’s trick."

You feel like you can't do good enough:

Here's what I think: I think that God understands inertia. I think that God understands that even if we want to be better, it's hard for us to make huge leaping strides towards better-ness, sometimes especially at the beginning when we're trying to overcome bad habits or nurture less-used virtues. 

While God expects us to eventually become perfect people, the Atonement exists not just because God knew we'd mess up but because He wanted us to be able to keep improving over time while having access to grace throughout that process.

You feel like you don't care enough to try hard enough to be good enough:

The fact that you're asking this question shows that you care. And that's great. There's a scripture about faith that discusses what to do if we only desire to believe. It sounds like you desire to improve even if you're struggling with actually doing it, but I think that just like with faith that desire can be the start to nudge us towards taking small, experimental actions that over time make huge changes for us!

Maybe you're struggling with motivation. That's common. But don't get discouraged because you don't have the energy to get up tomorrow morning and suddenly be the perfect employee all day who then comes home and cleans the whole house before making a delicious dinner (which your perfect children help you prepare before playing games together nicely afterwards) and then has a special dessert baked for her husband before the kids are all in bed at 7:30 and you sit down to work on family history together. 

I'd suggest trying to break this down into way smaller steps. I think we please Heavenly Father by trying to improve even when the results we get seem frustratingly slow to us. What is ONE thing you can do tomorrow to be better in one or two of your roles than you were today? Please note: finding the motivation to do things better is easier when you are well (enough) rested and taken care of yourself. If tomorrow evening you spend a half an hour in the tub reading a book and eating chocolate while husband takes care of the kids and you then feel rejuvinated enough to make some improvements, let that be your starting point. Neglecting family and other responsibilities isn't okay, but taking some time for your own mental/physical/emotional health is important to enable you to have energy! Here are some thoughts for tiny improvements: you don't need to use mine, but these are examples of ways little beginnings can start:

  • Find one meal you can add a fruit or vegetable to to make a tiny health improvement.
  • Find 15 minutes that you can go on a walk down the street/around the block with your kids or spouse to combine exercise and family together time. Or, turn on your music inside and dance for 15 minutes. Or, turn on a favorite show and workout in front of the TV.
  • Try to say one extra kind thing to your spouse/kids tomorrow. Notice an attractive quality about your spouse, or thank them for a service they do for you. Tell your kid something you love about them.
  • Do one thing at work that you've been putting off or doing with less than full effort differently.
  • Text one friend just to say hi. Make plans for dinner or a game night if you're feeling ambitious. 

Etc. etc. etc. These are just a few examples. You're unlikely to quickly get better at everything in your life, but prayer and reflection both for help knowing what your first priorities should be and for strength to improve them can enable you to identify ways that you can take steps (even if they're not flying leaps) in the direction you want.

Love,

~Anne, Certainly


0 Corrections